The therapist asked me what I wanted to do.
“I want to climb on a roof top and scream to the world that my husband was having an affair!” I told the therapist it was like someone tore open my chest, pulled out my heart, and flung it on the ground so people could stomp all over it.
Did that make me feel any better? Maybe in a tiny way it did. I never went back to the therapist. Instead I pretended everything was great in my marriage. I didn’t share that piece of information with anyone until we got divorced some ten years later. (We didn’t get divorced because of the affair)
I found out about the affair when he came home late one night. He ran up the stairs in our little apartment and said he had something to tell me. That I should sit down. I was 25. We had been married for two years by then.
I have to tell ya’, in my wildest dreams I would never have imagined what he told me, not in a million years. I was naïve and I was clueless. (which only reinforced that I had been stupid since repeating first grade)
He sat me down on the sofa, sat right next to me and while he was crying he told me that he had been having an affair – with the same woman – since before we were even married. My husband was 30, she was already 40.
He’s crying, and I’m hugging him because he was crying. I stayed silent trying to digest the magnitude of what was just revealed.
I guess he didn’t like that I was quiet and asked if I understood what he had just said. Then I got ticked. What the heck? Dude, YES, trust me, I heard you very loudly and very clearly.
Can you imagine, the woman calls me on the phone about fifteen minutes later to ask if he had told me about their affair. And then asked if I was going to stay with him, or would consider divorcing. I was shocked, stunned, and more than angry.
My entire world just fell apart and I didn’t see it coming. Stupid stupid little girl.
All those nights he called me to say a party was running late (he was a chef), that I should go to bed and not wait up for him.
I asked him only two questions:
How long had it been going on?
He said about six months before we got married, off and on until now. He tried breaking it off with her several times, and each time she threatened she would tell me if he broke up with her.
Was he in love with her?
I knew that if he was not in love with her that I could forgive him. What I didn’t know was how long that would take.
If the person who supposedly loved you, all of you, who you told your deepest secrets to, who you thought had your back, who would take care of your emotional well-being, who you wanted to grow old with, have children with, wanted to spend a lifetime with – trades that in for a relationship with another woman – how can you forgive?
And how will you ever be able to trust again? Not only with him, but with anyone going forward in any type of relationship.
You almost can’t. You always have your guard up. You can never honestly just BE with anyone because you just can’t trust that they won’t hurt you.
This was a LOT for a 25 year old to reconcile. Especially not being able to share this with anyone.
After two years of praying every day, I got a phone call from someone and somehow God lead the discussion in such a way that I knew what was happening (the caller did not) – and the monkey that was on my back suddenly jumped off and ran away.
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