The February Snow of 2016

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Ty Dutcher

During the summer of this year, Ty Flood contacted me and said while he thought GreyFeathers was a nice website, it lacked a little comedy. He had a point. I asked him to send me what he had. I had forgotten about our exchange and somehow last week we reconnected and below is the story he originally sent.

It snowed in Colorado yesterday and today. I know, “shocking…” It snowed a lot. During said snow shower my Direct TV went out. Again, “shocking.” When the Direct TV went out I did what any lazy American would do – I called tech support.

Ty on phone with Aphoo

I sat on the couch talking to, Ahpoo from India, who, I’m pretty sure doesn’t know what snow is. I think he also works for Micro-soft tech support. Me and Ahpoo figured out how to communicate with a few grunts and awkward silences.

Twenty minutes later, Ahpoo decided that this problem could be solved by pushing a combination of buttons on my remote (my solution involved ripping the satellite off the roof and sliding down the street in it). Well, after pushing all the buttons on my remote I can now flush my toilet from my couch, make all the dogs in the neighborhood bark at the same time, and make the light in the fridge stay on when the door closes. I just can’t watch Direct TV from the couch.

After hanging up, and missing my new friend Ahpoo, a little, I decided the only recourse I had was to climb on the roof and knock the snow off of my sled, I mean my satellite. Easy-peasy-chicken-sneezy, right? Nope. I forgot the one screwed up part of the equation was me.

Ladder on roof

Anyhow, I leaned my extension ladder onto the roof, climbed to the top of the ladder and decided this was not a very good idea but since all my neighbors and the one person in the neighborhood who will say that he’s my friend were watching (and placing bets – I think I saw my wife playing the part of the bank)I had no choice but to continue. I climbed onto the roof and thought “I’m going to die,” and not in a cool way. I figured the fall itself probably wouldn’t kill me, but freezing to death would, ‘cause my wife would not help as the new snow covered me up, out of fear that the neighbors would know she married an idiot.

I climbed onto the snow and made my way across the roof towards the dish. Scooching through the snow in loose fitting clothing will cause certain cracks and crevices on your body to fill up with snow. I don’t remember seeing this on “1000 ways to die” and I certainly didn’t know I had so many cracks and crevices!

After I got done chipping the ice and snow off the dish (I had to use my keys ‘cause someone didn’t plan this out well… and forgot a scraper, a tooth pick, and a blow torch…). With all the snow off the dish I decided to scooch back to my ladder. Fail. FYI you can’t scooch down a roof. Nope, scooching turns into power sliding towards death. Fortunately, I’m fat and that slowed the descent, somewhat, so when I hit the edge of the roof I didn’t fall off. Oh no I’m too cool to fall off the roof. I did however kick my ladder off the edge and into the snow. So, I sat, silently cursing Ahpoo for not flying to Colorado to help me fix my Direct TV. I thought we were friends. After crying a little, praying to God and making some promises I really wanted to keep, I decided I would call my wife and beg for her help.

Man couch watching TV

My journey to this point started at 2:00pm. It is now 7:30pm and not only can I hear my wife still laughing, but the neighborhood dogs have joined in, and I think my one neighborhood friend is selling hotdogs and watching my Direct TV – on my couch.

The moral of the story is not to climb onto the roof when you have 2 feet of snow on it. And the other moral is to take the damn remote with you so your wife has to help you down!

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