GreyFeathers.com Blog - Old Chickens Make Good Broth.

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Encouraging Words Needed

ByGreyFeathers
June 22, 2021

Anonymous writes, “Our 39-year-old daughter has been married for 12 years. She has three gorgeous little boys, ages…

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Spouse

Smoking Pot on Weekends

ByGreyFeathers
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Anonymous writes, “I am wondering what to do with an issue that really bothers me. We’ve been together…

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Children

Where do we go From Here

ByGreyFeathers
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Phyllis writes, “My 7-year-old granddaughter was caught by her mother looking at porn on the internet…

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Aging
Poetry

Crossed 70 Heading Towards 80

ByGreyFeathers
April 18, 2021

“I asked a friend who has crossed 70 and is heading towards 80 what sort of changes she…

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Aging
Poetry

I Am Not Old… She Said

ByGreyFeathers
April 18, 2021

”I am not old… she said I am rare. I am the standing ovation At the end of…

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Have I Failed Them

ByGreyFeathers
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“I have two sons, 40ish, gainfully employed, but who binge-drink every weekend. Their father came from a family…

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Bipolar Disorder Acceptance

ByGreyFeathers
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Anonymous writes, “I am 56, married with three grown children and one grown step daughter. All the kids…

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Spouse

Had a Wife but Couldn’t Keep Her

ByGreyFeathers
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Anonymous writes, “My husband of 40 years is a good provider but his job is a 95% travel…

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How to Cope with Suicidal Mother

ByGreyFeathers
April 7, 2021

“My mother is very depressed, so badly she doesn’t want to live anymore. She is almost 86…

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Poetry

Things You Can’t Really Tolerate

ByGreyFeathers
April 3, 2021

Things you can’t really tolerate… You just can’t let go when… * If you’re living everybody’s life, giving…

GreyFeathers

17 hours ago

TRUTH!! ... See MoreSee Less

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Have a friend who has been repeating her stories for a few years now. I keep listening...my husband can hardly stand it...I just tell him, it could be us one day...

Same here. At age 92, my friend is forgetting details now. I help her by filling it in as I’ve heard it thousands of times. She is grateful and continues to tell the stories of her past. Gotta love our elders. Been with them all my life. ❣️

My grandmother told me the story of The Little Red Hen a thousand times. And it never got old. What I would give to hear her tell it one more time.

My kids listening to grandma over and over again and feeding her the triggers of their favorite stories so they could hear them again and again🥰

Me with my grandma. After telling her a couple times yeah you told me that, I just let her tell it because it brought her joy and all it took from me was listening. It doesn’t hurt anyone to just listen. I’d love to listen to just one of her stories one more time.💗

I am sure my family listens to me repeat my stories. Glad they love me.

Me with my Dad's stories xoxo

Yup,l know i repeat myself,but its ok.My family loves me,and I love them.🥰

I needed this. My mom is 87 & tells me everything at least 15 times. I will keep listening with love.

Kind of like my kids/ they would laugh a grandpa’s jokes heard for the 2,000 time!

So true! I had my Nanny until I was 53! Never got tired of hearing her. She was 94 when she left for her eternal journey.

This is me listening to my granddaughter talking non stop about whatever pops into her head …because she’s totally awesome, I adore her, and I will always listen to her.

Yes and of course!! Happy to listen!!

I loved listening to my grandparents tell their stories.. Now that is all I have left, I'm grateful that I had time to hear those stories

I was this person. I wish l could hear it again ! But ask questions as a grown up!!

My grandmother repeats her stories I have heard over and over I sit and listen because one day I won’t get to hear stories

Yes I can relate to that! Lost my grandma two years ago , glad god let her stay on this earth for 102 years!! And she use to tell same story every time we meet and I listen so carefully 🥰 miss you nanima💕

What Inwould give to be able to listen to my gramma’s or my Dad’s stories!!!♥️

My Mom and I had a running joke when she would tell me something again, I would say that she already told me and she would say I'm telling you again! 😃❤️

Many times I tell stories of growing up and of my Mom. She’s been gone 31 years now but she’s still close in heart. Telling stories about her (even for the 1,000th time,) is my way of keeping her with us♥️

Was just reading in my paper about our elders’ stories & how they contain kernels of truth, and fit into categories: seeking a better life, importance of making an impression, sticking together, overcoming hardships, and tales of fun & mischief.

I listen to my 93 yr old Dad no matter how many times I've heard it.❤❤❤

And she loves you more.

Miss my Dad and all his stories of WW11 and history. Repeated many times but I always acted like it was the first time I heard it. Loved my dear old Dad. Miss him everyday since Aug 28, 2013. ❤❤❤

Could easily be a wife there. Ask me how I know...

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GreyFeathers

17 hours ago

Anonymous writes, “Two of my kids are estranged from me but I’m very close to the youngest one. He couldn’t come for Thanksgiving. Christmas is the worst because I want it to be with family but that won’t happen. My youngest will be here for a few hours. I’ll be fine once it’s all over. Thanks for your prayers.” ... See MoreSee Less

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In a perfect world, our children would live around the corner and we would be a part of a big family with no stress. I am blessed to have my daughter and Grands just around the corner. But even that close - they aren't responsible for my happiness. I had to accept that they have a family unit of their own. I'm an "auxilary" member. My son, who lives out of state, also has his own life. That is what we raised them to do. My suggestion: build your own life. It's hard, after spending evey waking hour of 20+ years feeding and raising them. Make yourself happy. My divorce, 25 years ago, fractured us in every way imaginable. But we've "walked" through that crisis (after years) and are on the other side. You don't control them. You never did. Make a wonderful life for yourself and, if they want to participate, all the better. They only thing you control is you.

Are you a believer? If so, embrace 'the reason for the season' ... maybe serve meals at a shelter, be a foster grandma, gather with neighbors who are also alone? (Same feel-good outcome if not a believer; I like to give a shout out to Jesus where I can. ☺️) I'm not trying to minimize your situation. Most of us have had family hardship in one way or another. Most of us are here to be a support network. xo

I am in exactly the same boat! Two eldest girls (with my grandchildren) are estranged and I have a relationship with my youngest, son. My family has been fractured for the past year and a half. Has been the worst battle in my mind I have ever fought.

There is always two sides to every story and I am sure the other two have theirs. Time, makes both parties forget their part in the drama and your story becomes your truth. Look deeper into the part you played and start from there in the healing of relationships. Don't be overbearing or forceful though, come from a place of truth and love and forgiveness and above all, be authentic in emotion. Also as mentioned above, there are many places that could use your help on Christmas Day. Be of service, it is heart balm. Blessed be.

I feel your pain. I am estranged from my 2 kids and Christmas and the holiday season is the worst. Every christmas, easter, mothers day ,and their birthdays I cry in the shower then paste a smile on my face ANF go on with the day. I can't ruin the day for everyone else because I'm trying to not fall apart.

When my youngest daughter moved 3,000 miles away for school she first lived with a lovely young woman who was gobsmacked that my daughter was looking forward to a visit from me. She knew nothing but stress and demands from her own parents. I decided then that I would do anything necessary to maintain good relations with both my grown kids. It has been difficult recently with my other daughter because her husband has become an anti-vaxxer and I fear for their 4 children. One did get Covid. My daughter is trying to please everyone, keep her kids safe, her husband happy and I know she doesn’t need additional pressure from me. She needs me to support her even though I disagree with her husband. So I visit and stay away from the subject. It takes two to tango.

As a mother, I would continue to try and mend fences with my children. That would be an awesome Christmas Miracle. God can make a way. 🙏❤🙏❤

I understand, my 3 kids prefer their dad and family. I hate Christmas. So, I will be working shifts and ignoring it as much as I can! Try not to dwell on it, it will make you crazy! ❤️🙏 Ps I am an active volunteer with homeless.

Families today have so many issues.. you never used to hear of so many families with these sort of problems.. it really is sad that we don’t feel we can count on each other.. have we given our young people too much.. I wish I had the answer..we live near and have many Amish friends.. they work together, play together and pray together..have a Blessed Christmas and do something special for yourself I always feel good when I reach out and do something for those less fortunate….prayers!

I helped raise three step kids... full time, in my home with zero help but lots of drama from their dysfunctional mother. 9,8 & 5 when I married their dad. Tried to do family the way I was raised. Nightly dinners, vacations, sports, hobbies, vehicles and college tuitions. Sadly their mother was murdered by her boyfriend and she became “the best mother ever” martyr. I helped the kids plan her funeral. They were an angry bunch to begin with but after that it got worse. My husband started seeing his old girlfriend so our marriage ended. He married her, now all of them are one big happy family. And I’ve never heard from them again in last fifteen years. Thinking maybe their rejection is my protection!

I came to the conclusion I wasn’t going to have the lovely family holidays I’d hoped for. And in time decided Christmas is about Giving in every way I can find. I start in October now. So many are lonely So many are in need. I can truly wear myself out with all the giving opportunities- but it’s a good way to make it through this otherwise lonely season. I shop all year long then wrap & mail ….and I expect nothing in return. I just decided it’s about giving….and saying goodbye to a sentimental dream. Took me a while to get here 🤗

Two of my kids won’t speak to each other, so I understand a little bit of what you are going through. We haven’t all been together for years and it’s so sad. I’ve come to the realization that it may never change, but I will never give up and pray for reconciliation every day. Sending you prayers of comfort and peace.

This is very sad and becoming more common children taking out their life frustrations or failures n parents..

Consider yourself to be blessed. At least you are a mother. You held them in your womb. It’s such close relationship that no body had this with your children. So pray for them and be happy that you are their mother. Lord Almighty will make you happy because HE made you their mother. He will bless you.

Prayers for you. I won't be seeing my kids or 2 grand daughters this Christmas. I hate it so much. They can't come here to Al. work obligations and we can't get there. My husband is losing his job Dec. 31st. The plant has shut it's doors, he's maintenance so he's doing clean up. Good ole economy and bad management. But with Good Lord's help we keep muddling along.

I am so sorry that your heart is broken and your family has big bumps right now. I don't have a solution other than prayer-Ask God to help the situation. A while back, I was in a hurtful situation and I just couldn't carry the load anymore. Here is a prayer that I wrote and prayed that brought peace. It's called Peace with Release.... I found much peace when I truly handed it over to the Lord. I hope you find the same. As a result, the situation resolved when I Let Go. I hope the same happens for you. God bless you and may your Christmas be filled with much peace regardless of the situation.

It is so very hard when you carried that child under your heart for 9 months. Love protected and adored them. To find out you weren’t the parent they needed . It tears your heart apart and leaves you grieving. The holidays are very hard filled with memories . I live life second guessing everything I did or didn’t do. All I know is I loved my child and I wish her everything wonderful.

WHY are so many women dealing with the problem of estrangement??? I can't believe how many grown children don't have anything to do with their parents, that is so sad 😔

I too am estranged from my son, which means somewhat of a strained relationship with his three children…… I confess that sometimes it’s easier to think of him as dead , it heals my broken heart for a short minute !….. no one has an answer as to why this happens…. Or how to change it….Who would think that as we hold that precious baby for the first time, that this different kind of pain would eventually happen to us ?…. Life is just a mess sometimes 😥

It’s horrible but incredibly common. Time to take care of yourself, take the time to do things you enjoy. If they come back to you all good and well, but don’t waste time waiting for it. Go out and love life again.

God is always by your side. Talk to him as much as you want. That’s what he loves. He wants to hear from his children. God bless you and enjoy your freedom and the holiday season.❤️

Sorry ladies for your unhappiness with your children , I’ve had the same although we’re on good terms now I know the feeling . I disagreed on many things with my mother but I would never ignore her , I did the right thing .

Sadly perfect Christmases only happen in Hallmark movies and set most of us up for disappointment when we attempt to re-create those perfect images that never really existed. Be flexible with the holidays, celebrate with family when and if they are available. Do not use guilt to pressure them into doing what you want. It may get them to attend but unwilling guests do not make good company. Spend Christmas Day volunteering at a homeless shelter, seniors home, animal shelter, walking in nature or at home curled up with a book. Treat yourself to foods that you don't normally eat and learn to enjoy your own company. Make the day special for yourself rather than expecting your family to do that for you.

I too am a stranger from my two children , one of them lives 5 mins away from me with my youngest grandchild . I chose to work it makes the day go faster . 💗

I started moving our Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations when my kids got married and had kids. My After Thanksgiving Dinner is always on Saturday on Thanksgiving weekend. Christmas is usually the weekend before the actual holiday. In moving my dates, the kids now plan around them, they still get to spend time with in laws, and celebrate with friends. On my day, I have my kids and grandkids all day and into the evening. No one has to rush to make it somewhere else and if they are traveling it’s on days that traffic is light. Think about it. It’s much easier for us, at our age, to be flexible than for our kids families.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

“I have one son, 28, who got married in 2016 to a girl who was barely 18 and about 8 1/2 months pregnant. They have known each other since 2012, and here's my problem:
She has caused all sorts of problems which get bad at holidays and won't come out to my house. My son gives in to her and went to her aunt's this year for Thanksgiving and the next day came to my house with the two babies. I sacrificed so much to help them plan and pay for their wedding on my own until five days before when her dad gave me half of the cost, and got all of the praise for the beautiful ceremony, dinner and wedding cake. I babysat for three years for them at a personal cost of not finishing my nursing degree (prior to Covid) when her own mother wanted to charge them (she, btw, conveniently bought herself a new car so she didn't help with the wedding). I'm happy to see them, but how do I get past every holiday being put last? It hurts since we were always so close as I was a single parent raising him." -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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Celebrate the weekend before or after, there is far too much emphasis on “the day”. Then make plans for yourself on “the day” anything from going to a show to volunteering. It doesn’t matter which day you get together, it matters that you are able to get together. Good luck!

He has to live with her, so he's going to put her first to keep the peace at home. Once your kids are married, you just have to reconcile yourself to the fact that you are not going to be first in their lives any longer. It doesn't mean they don't still love you, but this is just the way life usually works; our children grow up, and move on from us. That's healthy, if a bit sad for us as parents.

From a boy mom: You are never going to be first choice for holidays. Just get used to it. As far as the other problems go, remember that you chose to help them, others did not feel the same obligation. Change things up. Make different plans for the next holiday. Let them know they are welcome, then move ahead with a plan everyone else can enjoy. Don't put pressure on your son, he is probably already stressed, just knowing you're not happy. No more recalling injustices and thoughtless actions of the past. Move happily forward with, or without them.

There is absolutely nothing you can do that will change her. I'm in the same situation and have tried everything for 15 years without success. We finally decided to go on with our lives, not to let her steal anymore joy from us because our clock is ticking and we want to enjoy our remaining time. Stay in contact with your son but don't expect him to try to change her ideas.

Put yourself first. I know, for a mom, this is very hard to do at times. Explain how you feel then step away. Let them come to you and be thankful for those times. Pursue your dreams. Let them figure out other resources to fix their own problems. Love you.

Personally I would overlook the slights, and the injustices and just love them all. How fortunate you watched the children - and that they come to see you last or first - the children will remember you and your care, and making them feel special. Life is short, cultivate what’s good. Now it’s time for you to finish your degree - if that interferes with child care or whatever, give them notice and be there as you can. Things can turn around - let the past go and be there now.

Sad fact about sons They join a new family Daughters bring to the family Often they don't come back till their own family has grown and they realise and hopefully your still around for them to visit

When you have a daughter, shes a friend for life. When you have a son, he takes on a wife. It took me years to get that thru my head. Dont we raise our sons to be good husbands? Dont we want them to put his wife and family above others? I spent way too many years thinking that my son loved me less, when actually he was becoming how he was raised. When I looked at it that way, the hurt feelings went away. About the wedding, his father probably made a big deal of it...its gone, you were there to help and you wouldn't have done differently. Be happy. Live your best life

I mean this with all kindness but I think you are all in a bad pattern. You list all the things you have done for them like they owe you and it sounds like you are bitter about her parents. Everyone is doing the best they can and their best isn’t the same as your best. You may not agree with her parent’s choices but those choices aren’t your concern and are independent of your relationship with your son and his family. Sometimes we have unconscious bias and we aren’t even aware that we may be making others uncomfortable. You can only be responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions so choose carefully. It’s obvious that you love them, it’s never too late, best of luck to you.

There’s an old saying, ‘When a daughter marries you gain a son. When a son marries you lose a son’. Even the Bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Maybe get involved in your community more or volunteer work? Schools can always use volunteers. My heart breaks for you. I will soon be in a similar situation as I have one child, a son.

Holidays are just DAYS. I told my sons GO celebrate w your new family I will always be here and we can do celebrate on another day I don’t want to be the mom who insists that they come when the other side comes is insisting. By easing up on the pressure put on some of these “kids”. — my home is welcoming

I have had to work through the idea that doing all the right things and always being there to help and serve does NOT mean you will automatically have their admiration and affection. I always thought if I made those altruistic choices, good things would happen- with adult children I’m learning that is not true.

Most of the pain in life is due to our not accepting reality. The old saying a son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life is truth and as it should be. Let go and enjoy your life and enjoy your grandkids and son and dil when you can.

Once the children grow up and make their own families, the parents are no longer first. Alrhough it hurts, they will make their own plans and their own traditions. They will do what works for them. As parents we can't expect to be first just because we are the parents. That might work when they are single, it won't work once they are a couple. Give them time to come back around or have the day after together.

I make Christmas Day about a week and a half earlier for my family, I choose a weekend and it has never interfered with the other families and then on Christmas morning, I’m not sad or stressed, I’m relaxed with a cup of coffee with tree lit up and Christmas music. I made a choice to change what was happening

Definitely would have a heartfelt discussion with both of them. That way nothing gets twisted. If that doesn't work, quit being the giving, tighten up and take care of yourself. Sounds like they both have an entitlement issue. You have to do things for them, without expecting anything. Just remember that.

I understand how it stings about not getting any credit for your half of the wedding, but I would imagine most people didn't know the back story and automatically assumed the father of the bride paid for everything. I would be thankful you didn't get stuck with the total bill. You wouldn't be the first mom who got burned by investing a large sum of money into two young people who maybe don't make the best decisions. You are never going to be able to control what either of them do, so the only thing you can do is be gracious and available and hope they grow up soon and realize your value. I'm afraid that trying to talk to them about how you feel will end up in you getting blown off even more, or them taking it as being attacked or corrected or guilt tripped. I've seen too many bad reactions over the years and I'm probably jaded though.

Just always reminds me of this picture. He is a world famous soccer player. His mother worked three jobs to be able to support him as a single Mom. Now that he has a successful career, he said he will never forget his Mother’s sacrifice and she is an an important part of his family’s life, because without her he would have never made it!!

It's funny that when a man limits his wife and her time with her family he is abusive and controlling. When a woman does the same you get the old "a son is a son until he takes a wife" nonsense. As a husband and father he should put her and his children first. As should a wife. That's what we teach our children along with honor your mother and father. It becomes an issue when a woman becomes threatened by her husband's relationship with his mother. A good wife will attempt to build a relationship with his parents as he should with hers. Unfortunately too many mothers quote that ridiculous "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life and a son is a son until he takes a wife" garbage. That's definitely not from the Bible and is not God's will. "A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her home" is true...but no where does it say dump your parents. I worked in long term care for 25 years. I met some wonderful children who were their parents biggest advocates and protectors. But I can honestly say the ladies with only sons were protected and coveted more than any. And more times than not even the daughter-in-laws were there in support. I always spent holidays with my in laws. I took my mother-in-law shopping and on trips with just me. She wasn't my mother and couldn't ever take her place. But she gave my husband life so therefore she gave me a gift. Talk with your son and let him know you want to be a part of their holiday plans and make it easy on them to accommodate everyone. As the years go by dynamics change and so do relationships.

All these years you allowed yourself to be put last. The past is now water under the bridge. What choices you made in life, you own. Appreciate, forgive and move on. Enjoy the time you have with family when you get it, but don't wait for it. This also applies to any favors asked by the son in the future. Ya can't buy love, you can demand/expect respect. IMHO

Let it go and enjoy the time you have with him. Don’t worry about who got praise and recognition, your son knows what you did. Don’t give him a hard time when he does come to celebrate with you, just enjoy him and the grandbabies. Maybe his young wife will mature with time, or maybe she will always be horrible, but you don’t have any control over it. Don’t put your son in the middle and make him choose because you would most likely lose and then he might not come at all!

A man’s a man ‘til he gets a wife-but a daughter’s a daughter all her life(so the saying goes) Live your life for yourself now!

We often need to point things out to people..expecting them to be mind readers about how we are feeling. I would have a quiet, honest conversation about how you are feeling.

Be happy he made sure to visit the day after Thanksgiving. Don't dwell on what you did in the past wedding, babysitting because you shouldn't expect a return for what you gave. Tell your son it bothers you to not have the holiday but you appreciate that he brought the babies by to visit. When the 4 of us siblings got married my mom told us she no longer did Thanksgiving go to the in-laws 😂, we had Saturday night Easter buffet and she hosted Christmas dinner for whoever wanted to come. Definitely made our lives easier.

I always tell my children anytime I get to see them is a holiday. They do not live in town so they are always torn about which family member to spend holidays with. I wanted to take pressure off so any time I see them we celebrate big time!

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GreyFeathers

3 days ago

“My 30-year-old daughter dates a man from a different race. Her dad and I are fine and happy for her but her grandfather’s very racist and because of this, she has never introduced us to her friend.
I say it’s grandpa’s problem and he can leave if he has an issue. She’s afraid he would say something inappropriate to her friend but I don’t think he would. We shouldn’t be dealing with this in this day and time! I just want my daughter to be happy.” ... See MoreSee Less

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My daughters are both happily married, within their race, so now it’s my granddaughter. I would rather have her date someone of a different race than someone of the same race who would mistreat her.

Just tell her grandad that we maybe different from the outside but from the inside everybody is pink ,this I learned about 20 yrs ago about a friend who needed a kidney transplant and the patient was white and the person who volunteered to give him a kidney was black and it matched and the patient gave him half his business cause there was not even one friend who wanted to try the test to see if he matched and the doctor those were his words that he said that we are all the same from inside

My step daughter was dating a man from another race and she was afraid to introduce him to her dad (my husband). She and I decided they would come with us to church,, then we would go out to eat. Meeting in church and a public place, my husband had to meet this man and be civil. It worked out wonderfully. Now we have 2 wonderful grandsons.

First of all...Grandpa...is your relative, instead of applying labels and writing him off..how about sitting down and talking about this? Speak to him from your heart, hear his reasons. Explain why you are concerned, I do believe he will open his heart for his granddaughter. Once he has realized that his granddaughter is happy...he will be happy too. Is this your father? You don't say, but you certainly bear some resentment towards the man. If you handle this with love for all involved it will turn out well. Remember Grandpa deserves love and happiness as much as your daughter. Being so ready to write him off isn't trying to gain his trust and help your daughter at the same time. One of them is not more important or deserving of happiness than the other. You are the key, now open the doors to understanding and love, starting with yourself!

my father was very racist he called my friends 'darkies ' and asked why I was riding around with them.. he obviously came from another time and another place... at 75 years old I was not going to change him .. I guarantee your daughters friend has heard it all before and will have the ability to handle it, just as my friends' do and did, it will not reflect on you or your daughter, I would not worry about it, its something you cannot control > it will make you uncomfortable , but again its no refection on you and I am sure the young man will know how to handle himself in the situation especially knowing that you and your husband do not feel the same way.

Tell grandpa ahead of time what is going on, lay out expectations of his behavior and give him an out so if he chooses to hold on to his antiquated evil mindset, he can do so away from everyone and no one has to be hurt (at least no more than his absence from an occasion because of his mindset will already hurt). Lay it straight and say if he can’t or won’t be respectful and kind then he needs to eat dinner in his room and not come out or say a word to anyone until he’s been told the guests have left.

Things were very different in "his day and time". We forget that sometimes. My Grandma was the same. She never even acknowledged our two biracial grandchildren. But she was in her 80s. I still loved her.

Talk to grandpa in advance. Lay out the boundaries and move forward.

Sometimes God brings people into our lives to change our ways of thinking. I pray she shares him with great love and pride. Grandad just might change his ways, if not, his loss, but it should not stop her. Yes the world will be cruel, but God will prevail. ❤❤

I’ve dealt with this in my family. Tell the friend. If you think others races do t have this issue you’re wrong. Then tell grandpa if he wants to be a part of the entire family he needs to be nice and hold his tongue with the person around. It’ll be fine. The heart can accept many things.

My niece finally brought her Japanese boyfriend to Thanksgiving. Her father showed WW2 Japanese propaganda movies. He survived.

Talk to grandpa, establish the rules. If he can’t behave like an adult, he’s not welcome to be there. I experienced this very thing with members of my own family. They are no longer family 🤷‍♀️ in other news, my husband and I have been married almost 25 years, and have five wonderful children and a beautiful granddaughter. Prejudice has no place in our lives

So disrespectful to Grandpa. He’s lived his life. Seen more than most folks. His opinions matter as much as anyone else’s. Grandpa’s the reason the following generations are alive.

Does Grandpa live there? Otherwise, why does he need to be there?

It’s likely (and unfortunate) that your daughter’s friend has experienced racism before. She should invite her friend over and if grandpa behaves poorly, your ‘smack down’ will let everyone know that racism will not be tolerated thereby establishing ground rules. If your daughter is serious about this gentleman, she’s going to have to face this head on.

Welcome to 2021 ! She is blessed to find someone to love 💕 As long as he's a good person and treats her well everything else is irrelevant

There is only ONE race...the human race. Dating someone with a different ethnicity shouldn't be an issue in this day and time. Sounds like grandpa needs a good tongue lashing and a stern verbal warning of what is expected when his granddaughter brings around her man to be introduced.

Has she been introduced to his family? If so, there may be more to the issue. Talk openly to her. Invite them to a nice lunch or dinner out without her grandfather. I hope you can all work this out.

Perhaps if she discussed this with Grandfather b/f she tried to introduce her friend: he would have time to digest the news before meeting him. It is unfortunate that Grandfather expresses any racist views: it is (most likely) a reflection of the times in which he grew up.

Did you ever think she just might have respect for him and his feelings (right or wrong it’s HIS feelings

So I married a puerto rican back in the late 70’s. My father referred to my child as a little S**c… I made it clear he would never see my child again if he continued and he stopped. Years later my father moved to NM and became immersed in hispanic culture. He realized how ridiculous his attitudes were. He passed a few years ago with a much better appreciation for people as humans instead of people as races. Encourage your daughter to bring your future family member home. Pops will figure it out, or not, but its his process.

Grandpa needs to keep his opinions to himself. Smile and wave Gramps, not your choice

Avoid Grandpa. But you step out with open arms. You can't change Grandpa..but you can avoid him.

My son is white and married a black woman and they have a beautiful son. He brought her home and though we have had some fairly racist relatives in the past, no one said a word!

...or give grandpa an Ansestory.com DNA test....see what colors crop up....

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GreyFeathers

4 days ago

“Our family needs help on how to stop an elderly person from driving without making them depressed and angry. I’m sure many others have experienced. She’s not admitting that her reactions aren’t as fast as they should be, her eyesight suffers and she’s, quite honestly, dangerous. How do we do this with compassion? Is there a way for a government agency or doctor to do something (with knowledge from us)?” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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We talked to his PC who ordered a simulated and on site driving test. He failed and the doc ordered no more driving. He was not happy. We had arguments about it. I had to be a little mean because he was a stubborn man. This happened after he fell asleep at the wheel and ran off the interstate after lunch one day. This was the second car he totalled in 6 months. One person injured in the second one and never really recovered. It's not about their happiness when it comes to driving. Its about the safety of others, adults AND children, who could be impacted horribly by you not wanting to hurt her feelings. It's so very hard to do.

Good luck. We took our dad’s keys because he had a stroke. He had a friend drive him to a dealer and bought a new car.

That was the hardest thing I had to do was take the keys from my Momma. She had Alzheimer’s and I could not risk her getting out and causing an accident or getting lost She cried. I cried She cussed me out and all I said was I understand and I’m sorry. But I love you and you trust me to take care of you I promised her anywhere she wanted to go we would always get her there Our Insurance Agent Thanked me when I called to remove her a d why. He said I know that is hard but it’s love.

If you can have a discussion with her Dr. If he feels she is not capable he can gave her license revoked. Sounds mean but her Dr should be able to handle this (training/experience) and if she gets mad or depressed you can address that also with her Dr.

Before you have the talk’, do some research into other transportation options that may be available to her (such as senior shuttles) that could help her get places she needs to go without making her feel like a burden to others

My father was hurt and angry when he was forced to give up his keys after a fender bender. He had dementia and simply couldn't do it anymore. My sister and I were nearly killed as teenagers when we were hit by an elderly woman who shouldn't have been driving. 41 years later, we still have the scars. I also knew a woman who killed another woman for the same reason. I've told my son that if I get too old, he must take my keys or report me or whatever it takes. Do it before tragedy strikes. No amount of regret can bring back someone's child, parent, sibling or good health.

When our mom had to stop driving, due to having a mini stroke, and dementia, I didn’t try to make it sound ok, just told her how sorry I was, instead of trying to cheer her up. I felt so sorry for mom, losing her Independence, but it was non negotiable. Our youngest sister is primary caregiver, and she told mom, and while dad hasn’t driven in years, he still holds hope he might some day. Getting older, and losing Independence sucks, but safety for EVERYONE matters, and vehicles are too dangerous to let them take the chance of hurting anyone. Edit to add: “I’ve always been grateful that was how I acted, cause I can be too “tough love”, and she just needed straight up compassion. I will too, when it is my turn.”

We had to do this with our 90 yr old aunt. She still felt she could drive, but we felt she was a danger to herself and others. She hadn’t driven for a while due to a fall, but when she was able, my husband took her to a large parking lot to let her see how she felt behind the wheel and so my husband could see her reaction time for himself. She still felt like she could drive but he didn’t. He asked her to wait until she saw her doctor. I then heard a story from a friend about her 90 yr old mother who also still felt she could drive. She got in to a car accident and was in the hospital for 6 weeks. In that situation, the lady just didn’t have the reaction time to avoid a collision. We told that to my aunt and that struck a cord and she herself said as much as I don’t want to, maybe it’s time I stop driving. She held on to her car for about a year, just in case, but she never drove again. We started doing her shopping and taking her to her appointments.

My mom and dad lived with me for years and my mother made this decision on her own, and it was a relief. But it is taking their independence away. My advise is begin by being available so they do not have to drive. Be there to take them to the doc, drug store, hairdresser or grocery store. Yes, it does become a job but if they do not have to drive they'll will be less likely to fight giving up the keys.

Help her "see" the need gently...but let it be her decision..maybe involve the license branch to test her skills and either give her credence to her license or revoke it...that's how we handled it with my 90 year old dad (last April).

Talk to her doctor. He will "prescribe" that she not drive.

I can sadly relate to this. Here in Australia, after the age of 75, one needs an annual certificate from a doctor to renew one’s driver’s licence. When my Mum became a danger on the road at the age of 89 I phoned her doctor & begged him to not to re-issue her certificate … I hated having to resort to this but felt that in the interests of everyone else on the road I had no choice… dealing with elderly loved ones is difficult & confronting & I wish you well going forward 🙏

Do it with LOVE and.be prepared to replace Her transportation spend more TIME put yourself in Her shoes and act accordingly 🥰 BE KIND

A little "white lie" helped with my Mom who had Alzheimers. We told her car needed engine repairs & my brother was "slow" in getting the work done. Every time she asked we just said it wasn't fixed just yet. Seemed to be ok with her & yet she didnt feel it was taken away from her.

I have been there. Went so far as to consult with an attorney. Can't talk to her doctor -- HIPAA prevents the sharing of medical information unless you are given that right under a Health Care Proxy. You can try to report her to the DMV. I didn't go that route because my sister's colleague tried it and all they did was give a vision exam which the elderly man passed. My mom was involved in three - THREE - one car accidents in the course of three years. No one was hurt and the only damage was to her car each time. By the third time I had taken her keys (only one set as I couldn't find her second) and we had HUNDREDS of talks and arguments over the course of the three years. Finally after that last (at the age of 94) she agreed. My arguments included the fact that we are SO lucky we live in an age where we can use the computer to have food delivered, arrange rides to anywhere, etc. I have an aide in five days a week now, pay all of her bills, handle all of her doctor's appointments, etc. But, it was a long year until she let go. It's another full-time job to manage my mother. It's hard. My blessings....

We hadn’t realised how bad she’d got but our local policeman came and had a word with my mother in law saying he’d seen her driving erratically and was concerned for her welfare. He convinced her now was the time to give up.

In Ireland, anyone over 70 has to renew their license annually, and they must get a clean bill of health from their doctor, which includes an eye test, to do so. I know it feels intrusive to the person who thinks they're fine to drive, but other health issues might be a factor. My mom was limited to 10km by her doctor because of her heart problems. She was not a happy camper!

Her doctor can help by telling her how dangerous it is and can void her license. I understand you want to have compassion however she could potentially harm someone or even a child. That’s how we approached it with my mom.

As one of the elderly, I want to make another point here. I do still drive, but only short distances. A friend of mine cannot convince her children that she should not be driving. She lives in an area with no public transportation at all. When you have no choices, you do the best you can. If your parent tells you they cannot drive any longer, believe them.

I talked one on one with my Mom. Told her she did not want to wait until something tragic happened. Something she would never forgive herself for. She researched alternatives and there were many for her age.

Doesn’t she have to have a medical and eye assessment every year?

I like the idea of having a local police officer or her doctor speaking to her about her driving. Having an alternative plan for her to still get out of the house once in awhile is necessary. Some local senior centers have weekly trips to the grocery store. They use a small bus/van and pick up seniors at home drop them at the local grocery store and pick them up and hour or so later. This is a good way for her to meet new friends too!

We can't find the keys. Hide ALL the sets at another house even ! In looking for them ......distraction occurs......get side tracked & repeat. This went on for months. Finally one day she said knew where they were.... She must have buried her husband with them in his pocket. She never looked for them again

We had to do this with my Dad. He was driving 20 mph on main roads, trying to keep people from passing him and then towards the end leaving the house and getting lost. He was hurt and angry and he never understood his keys being taken from him. My brother tried to get him out daily for rides. He didn’t want rides. He wanted to drive! Best of luck to you.

I always told my Mother “let me take you, that way I can spend time with you!” She got used to being “chauffeured” around and gave up driving on her own.

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