A Piece of Advice

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This post is also available in: Italiano (Italian) “I went through a mild depression when I started having health…

ByGreyFeathers
August 10, 2019

This post is also available in: Italiano (Italian)

“I went through a mild depression when I started having health issues when I was in my late 50’s. That lasted quite a while but with each new health issue, I decided to just let it be what it was and not act like it wasn’t bothering me. Getting a therapist helped with the mild depression and anger issues over other things. But as I’ve gotten farther into my 60’s [68], I decided to find things that make me laugh and make me happy.

I spend time every day on YouTube looking at funny videos, and just plain cute videos. I also looked for meditation music [meditation also helps me], and discovered there is even nature music on YouTube. I have several videos bookmarked that are just the sound of rain.

Being alone isn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I became a widow six years ago. I’ve adjusted and am now enjoying my time doing whatever I want. Or not doing whatever I don’t want to do. My suggestion is to find what makes you happy and makes you laugh, and get a daily dose of it. Even if you’re not feeling all that great, laughter will help you feel better.” -Anonymous

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GreyFeathers

33 minutes ago

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Oldie but a goodie

GreyFeathers

1 hour ago

“My question is this, do you stay in a marriage that is ok? I am 58 and have been married for nearly 37 years. We have an okay marriage. We don’t really fight anymore, but we are also basically roommates. Sometimes I’m ok with that, but other times it makes me so sad and lonely. Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? We don’t do anything together except dinner out once a week and enjoy our kids when they come back for a visit a couple times a year. I am so curious to know if others are in the same boat.” -Signed not old, just lonely ... See MoreSee Less

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What are you waiting for? Men love old shoes, old habits, and ingrained patterns. If you want excitement, change, novelty, fun, then instigate it! In the slow dance that long term marriage is someone has to take the lead, and if he’s content but you’re not then it’s up to you to lead the way! Convey your feelings, ask for different, instigate .. Dont let lack of communication spoil your life..

There is a beautiful French word for this feeling - ennui. Look it up. Suggest you try harder to seek stimulation, excitement, new life experiences outside the marriage, become that sparkling, enthusiastic lover of life person you were in your 20s. Do an art class, go on local winery tours, volunteer work - eventually your husband may want go join you, and you'll both become more interesting to each other.

On my wedding night, my mother’s words of wisdom were “don’t expect anyone else to make you happy “. Take care of yourself, you don’t have to walk away from 37 years, that’s quite an investment !!

Tell your husband what you are feeling. Communication is key. Chances are he’s feeling the same. If not, then discuss alternatives. Usually when I felt this way so was my husband. God bless him I would love to have him back. Once they die it’s to late.

Believe me, i'd be so happy to have a life with someone.. sounds like a peaceful life.

Fall in love with your spouse again! Start doing the things you used to do for him!

You have one life and ok is not how you want it to be..even when other stuff in your life is just ok your marriage should be your happy place and your husbands company your favourite..don’t settle for less

Don't throw decades away unless you're prepared to spend the rest of your life without a companion.

I’m in the same boat with you except we live in different dwellings… we don’t argue except for his occasional screaming cursing outbursts when he concocts false ideas in his head (concerned it may be dementia) … yes its lonely … yes it deeply hurts … wish I could not remember the good times … it is what it is, no changing this situation so I have basically stopped pondering over it… we have grown children and grandchildren we are raising… they go back and forth between our homes… my nerves are worth more than to stay tore up over this…. thankfully I am getting in mindset I don’t think about it much … my life is full of washing clothes and running here and there with the kids … you know prayers change situations, depending on your hearts desires Go to God and keep petitioning Him on your behalf … hope you get to a peaceful resolution 🙋🏻‍♀️🙏

Talk with him about it. He probably feels the same. See if he will go away with you, camping / hotel / tiny house / trekking, whatever and see what you come up with. You have kids so it's worth it for all your sakes. No one else will love your kids as much as he does, no one.

Change it, do some different things we go out to dinner more than once a week go for walks and days out whatever you both like doing don't wait for him just say shall we go here today hope this helps x

Your not alone Goddess in feeling this. I have felt that way for so long. We have started going out for walks,lunch etc once a week. I think as people as we age and face life's ups and downs we become quite a different version of ourselves. We are not intimate and I struggle with this,I am a young 58 and still have those visions replaying in my head of when we were intimate. My partner is my soul mate so I know I want to stay married,we laugh and we have good moments and I relish in them. I agree with others make some changes in your own life that fulfill you and bring new conversation into your relationship. Maybe if your partner see's you growing and enjoying new things he may want to join you.

In a word... " No ". I had counseling. I just couldn't take it anymore. Been happy ever since. 11 years now. I'm 61 and doing great...alone!

Why don’t you arrange things to do if you want more out of your relationship. It’s a 2 way street. I lost my husband and would love to be in your shoes.

A week or two ago I separated from my husband after 28 years together. My story is your just a little further down the track. I won't know if the decision I made was the right one but I felt an immense sense of freedom and relief whatever you decide be kind to yourself. ❤️

Exact same situation here. I have 'created' my own life: work, friends, personal interests and I guess that I'm ok with it the way it is.

"we don't really fight anymore". Well, that's good. Were you ever in love with each other? 37 years is an investment that we don't walk away from lightly. I would suggest couples counseling to see if you can get the spark back (minus the fighting).

It sounds like this couple have lost each other. Maybe they could find a whole new relationship with each other ( like new partners ) and fall in love all over again

First off , get some counseling they have great ideas fir getting your magic back if it's possible ! Men sometimes can't verbalize their issues , So maybe he feels like this also ? That many years you owe to yourself kids and him to decide together ! Don't give up on happiness and peace !

You only have one life, what do you really want search your heart, dont settle but theres a lot to be said for peace and companionship, you know what you need to do

Many couples don't even go out to eat once a week. Be grateful you have that much.

I dont know. The thing is, whatever you decide, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Trust your gut feelings, perhaps tell your husband how you feel, we all know how important communication is in any relationship. I am happier alone than I ever have been in a relationship. Its peace and freedom.

I feel you are lucky. You just need to go out with friends and enjoy some quality time with them.

Go now. 58 is still young. Be happy 😊 don’t just exist 🙏🏻

Omg l could have written this but I’m staying and it is what it is grandkids close daughters close I’m lucky

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GreyFeathers

1 day ago

“Has anyone has weaned off Ambien, and what was your experience?” -Doris ... See MoreSee Less

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PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL! My 43-year-old nephew took his own life in early July. He had been on Ambien for seven years and had been trying to wean off of it. The last thing he googled on his phone, the evening before the morning he took his life, was 'side effects of Ambien withdrawal.' His suicide was completely unexpected. He had not complained of depression, was making future plans, etc. We firmly believe the act was due to Ambien withdrawal.

I have been taking Ambien since my ex husband came out of the closet in the early 2000’s. I will NEVER give it up! Being able to sleep is priceless! I combine 5 mg nightly with 50 mg of Benadryl and 10 mg of melatonin.

Ask your doctor the best way to wean off any long term medication. Never suddenly stop any medication you have been taking regularly.

My experience was waking up during the night on the floor with a jar of peanut butter in my hand never took it again no problem getting off of it

CBD is very good for sleep honestly. Also a weighted blanket.

I took it for years and decided to get myself off it. Be prepared for a few nights of little sleep. Start reducing how much you take, working down to none at all. The first week was rough, the second week much better. Now I take magnesium and melatonin at night and sleep great.

I take cbd gummies to help reduce anxiety and improve sleep…no side effects.

I called all my exes one night while taking ambien with no recollection the next day until one was kind enough to tell me. Not good!!

CBN from cannabis is a good sleep aid.

Just like I quit cigarettes. Just stop. My outlook is that the only thing stronger than me is GOD , and I prayed a lot.

When coming off any drug, especially this kind, go VERY slowly and wait until the 'jolt' has passed before taking the next step down. And preferably do it with your doctor's knowledge and advice. Best of luck!

I have! Off a full dose a long time ago. Went to half for a few months, then a 1/4 for awhile- now zero, sleeping fine til i need to pee and go bk to sleep right away. One thing wh helps is to sleep on my side as i hv apnea. Good luck- ifvi can do it you can🥰

Due to the neuropathy in my hands, I haven't been able to sleep without zolpidem in a long time. No issues from it, though - I just worry that I'll forget to bring it with me when I travel.

I was for about a year then switched to cbd.

It can be rough. Do it slowly. I had bad rebound insomnia and awful nightmares.

I just quit taking it and was fine

My husband couldn’t take these, they made him hallucinate.

I'm surprised it's still on the market- it's a dangerous drug.

This is a dangerous drug especially for older adults. My mom was addicted to it years ago before she passed and never could get off it. 😞

I used it years ago and wrote some.of the best poetry in the middle of the night without a memory of any of it. I had trouble getting off of it. It's definitely addictive.

I was an educator so I had my summers off and that is when I took myself off of Ambien after taking it for two years. It was a challenge but I succeeded.

Someone I know ended up in the psych ward addicted to Ambien. Got off Ambien after an evaluation and placed on meds for Bipolar 2.

My doctor is reluctant to prescribe it. I took it briefly while going through chemo. Now I take 6 mg of (OTC) melatonin and that does help me sleep.

I'm still on a low dose for about 15 years. It helps me a lot since I still work part time and on somewhat of a schedule. Any suggestions on slowing down my brain would help to rest. Thanks everyone

It is not easy but just do it. I was working at the time and took 5-6 days for me to feel at least a bit normal. Never again will I take a sleep aid.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

“My son, who is close to 60 years old, had a rough start, being the only child of divorced parents. He was eight at the time; I've never remarried, although I've had two major relationships post-divorce. I'm in my 80s now. Both his father and I were messes. For most of my life I've been in therapy and have been a present, generous, supportive parent to him for the greater part of his life. He also has done some work on himself. However, a lot remains unresolved for him, and he is, in my opinion, a man who wants to be accommodated but has no desire to accommodate me. As an adult, he hasn't been present for either of the surgeries I underwent, nor helped in either of the two moves I've made. I live abroad, but it's not he who helps with any paperwork that originates in the US. Two years ago, I sent him the money that is his legacy from me, as I knew he needed it, and I wanted him to have it while I was still living. Recently I asked him to enlighten me on why he refuses to be on Facebook, which is a venue I'm comfortable with, and which would make it very easy for me to send occasional information relevant to his work. He loudly and adamantly stated he was NOT getting on it, and that he didn't want to have to read stuff I might send, and then feel guilty for not doing so. I listened, once again shocked by the absence of any consideration of me, by his utter inability to do something simple and harmless just for me. Last time he visited, he'd said he would help with anything in the house, but when he saw the closet I needed help with, he said I should leave it until I moved. Translation: he didn't want to do it. I keep finding ways to stay connected in the face of his limitations, because he's my son and I love him, but the Facebook outpour really got to me. I told him I was taking a break and would call him when I could. I feel so very tired of being the accommodator, and I just don't know the way forward any more. It will be up to me to contact him to reconnect; he has never done it. Should I give up? We do have wonderful conversations and he always says he loves me. But my experience of him is the love only goes as long as there's no inconvenience, nothing asked of him.” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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You just have to accept he isn't the son you would love to have, he is the son you have. Enjoy your conversations and be blessed when he says he loves you.....that is still more than what some mums get

We are not defined by our children. He is an adult now. Let him know you love him. He is free to contact you when he wants etc. Pray diligently for him. Then go live your life. He has shown he can't be relied on so get others to help you. I have children that don't want to contact me etc. My door is always open to them but I don't try to force them through it.

Good advice from a great friend “You can’t fix him. Stop trying. You’ll be happier if you do”. I’ve made the conscious effort to stop trying to “fix” anyone other than myself and I AM much happier.

You’ve given him your legacy- he obviously doesn’t need to be there for you anymore. Make your own life and if he wants to be in your life he will make the effort. Sorry to be so frank but that’s what it looks like to me 😰❤️

You don’t say what your therapist has advised you to do or not do about this situation. Do you disagree with what they have advised? I was told by my counselor at one point to leave one of my children alone. I was constantly trying to get them to connect with me in a way I wanted, but just because I want something doesn’t mean I get to have it. He may not remember or see you as present, generous or supportive.

From another viewpoint.. I am 66 my mother is 86. I cut all ties with her 3 yrs ago, I know she is cared for in a nursing home. Myself and my siblings had a rough childhood, I accept that it’s how it was , but spent to long trying to talk to my mother about it. Her response was always that she was a good mum, did her best, and loved us all . In fact she only loved herself. In the end for my own sanity/peace of mind I cut all ties. I am finally happy xx

Unresolved childhood issues are manifesting now. Don't shut the door on him completely, however stop pining for accommodation from him, which deep down you know probably won't happen. You did your best given the circumstances at the time. Enjoy your twilight years by involving yourself in stuff that makes you happy.

We can only control ourselves. And, that is darned near impossible sometimes too. I hope he awakens to all the feelings that make a whole human before you are not here. I encourage you to be reflective of your true self where he is concerned. If he continues in his partially somnambulist state, that is just who he is. You are not alone. It sounds like there are thousands of children who cannot appreciate that their parents did their best...whether it was good enough or not, and have love to give now.

At ages 80 and 60, there isn’t much left to “accommodate “… he sounds like a spoiled brat….

Be kind. Keep in touch. life is short and keeping contact is important for you both, even if he doesn’t realise it.

It sounds like he needs to grow up, he’s 60 not 6. He sounds like a selfish person who is really only interested in himself and his own feelings. Let him reconnect with you if he wants to.

Interesting dynamics here...I sense some co dependent issues that possibly started with the divorce and parent/child interaction long ago. You cannot live your life, nor base your contentment/happiness through your son. It seems to be that your son has "disconnected" emotionally from your relationship. I'm sure there are reasons behind this that only he would understand. Unfortunately I believe there probably should of been some counseling long before now,, yet would possibly benefit both of you to some degree at this point and time. There seems to be a "push and pull" of emotions in order for you both to have a sense of control over the other. The best thing to do is for each of you to be OKAY with YOURSELVES. To love and interact without expectations and find acceptance in ways of your love and differences. Without expectations and acceptance you let go of trying to control one another and love should win in the end. Otherwise the two of are like mixing oil and water....pick your poison... LOVE OR INDIFFERENCES BATTLES OR ACCEPTANCE Life is short..Live it with no regrets.

True.

It is my experience with only children that they can be selfish regardless of their upbringing. He has had time to get over the divorce & time to become a decent human being and instead he has chosen to be an ungrateful & selfish brat. Sorry, but not sorry😳

Sounds like he has issues, possibly nothing involving you, but he's choosing to use you as an emotional punchbag. Look after yourself hun, he knows where you are.

I'm usually a silent observer, but - families are complicated and adult families even more so . I see this as a choice about whether to accept what can be given voluntarily, or to reject that because these gifts are not what you want or need. We only have the power to change ourselves, not others - perhaps the wonderful conversations can continue, if its possible to no longer expect or need anything further. I have a friend who has always grieved for what is absent in her son, this caused a lot of pain for her, and in the end an estrangement. Maybe it's worth concentrating on what works with your son, and to focus on finding support and caring from those who freely choose to be in your life

He is your son. Love him and call him when you want to talk. FB is not for everyone.

Never expect things from your children. You could be making him feel obligated. You also are the one who moved away, dont expect family to help you out for a decision you made. Also social media is not for everyone.

I would tell him how I feel in a hand written letter. Not a mean letter, but one from your heart. He's old enough to know better. He sounds like a spoiled child to me.

Why do you have so many expectations?? Having these sets you up for disappointment Live your life and let him live his. Children do not have an obligation to make our lives right abs vice a versus. I love my son and miss him and wish we had more contact but the world is changing and we are all trying to survive.

He is paying you back for the not so good childhood he had. He is hurting still. He doesn't seem ready for a relationship with you and at that age I doubt it will happen. Let him be. You have done best you could. Dont spend your last few precious years moping. Look for alternative interesting things to do...and friends. Keep busy and happy. Who knows...he may circle back to you.

Hi there, I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt by your son. You said that you do enjoy the conversation when you have them. In my opinion it doesn't matter who's reaching out at that point as long as the conversations are good. I feel that would be huge loss to stop contacting him. Sometimes people stop contact thinking that it will only be for a short while. Then, before they know it the time becomes so long that it is awkward to reach back out. I would Keep those conversations that you enjoy and the "I love yous" coming

We are only getting one side of this story. Has the OP given her son the opportunity to vent his hurts and disappointments without judgement or defensiveness? His POV might be entirely different from hers.

Why are you stressing yrself out. He obviously does not want you in his life. The saying goes" if someone "wants" to be in yr life, they make an effort. Do yrself a favour, leave him be. If he reconnects for the right reason, youve cracked it....not easy i know...

I have a grown grandson I raised who has functioning autism. I struggle every day with dealing with his issues. It sounds like your son has no real empathy for his aging mother. I feel your pain. Mine lives with me. I’ve tried all avenues for help. Sometimes I just let go and say he’s in Gods hands. I love him in spite of himself.

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GreyFeathers

3 days ago

“Help! I lost my husband over seven years ago after a somewhat lengthy illness. We were married for 33 years.
I met a very nice man. I’m 63, he’s 66. He treats me well and he’s fun to be with. I like him very much. He’s used the “L” word. I have not.
I don’t want to sound shallow and self-centered. However, when we met, he was about to get knee surgery. So, we never did anything that required a lot of walking. There was lots of talk about trips, and other activities after he got his knee surgery. I nursed him through his knee surgery. His mobility is still rather limited, he’s had some post-op problems, but has made an effort to do some things. He bought a camper so we would be able to travel. I’ve kicked in money, because I like to pay my share. Here’s the kicker. Now he needs a heart stint. We had planned a camping trip to the beach for a week, which had to be canceled. Regrettably, this is not the first time we have had to cancel travel plans due to his health. I am a fairly independent, active woman, with my own money, house and part time job. Here’s my issue... I’ve already been a nurse. I don’t want to go through taking care of another person. It seems like one health issue after another with him. Maybe that’s how it is after 60? I like him, I like his children and grandchildren. They call me Nana. I’m just sick about hurting anyone/everyone. Life is short. I feel like my life is on hold, and passing me by. I want to travel. He told me he wanted the same. But here I am two years later, still in a holding mode. He kiddingly asked me if I wanted to trade him in for two 30-year-olds. I sort of do. Except they require too much food (LOL). How do I get out of this? Should I get out of this? Am I being selfish? Self-centered? Shallow? A _itch? HELP!” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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ANONYMOUS WRITES: "Just go deep down inside your heart to know what you actually feel for this person. Do you feel intense love for him, and sacrificing yourself for him won't ever seem a big deal to you, and only just thinking about leaving him sucks out the life out of you, or burdens you terribly with misery? If 'yes' is your answer, then stay. Stay with him forever. However, if that's not the case and you don't feel as if he is your 'life' etc; and you want to help him sometimes like sitting with him to cheer him up once every, let's say, six months or so as a good friend but not each and every moment; you burdened when you think of dedicating your life to him and thinking about leaving him makes you feel okay after all he has his own family - grandchildren and all - it's not like he is all alone and helpless in the world! It's time you start to live your own life. Now is the time to gradually start parting from him, to be moving out from his life gently... not telling him point blank that you are leaving, just quietly begin to fade away from his life. You have been so kind to this person. You have done well by him without any sort of an official commitment. You never vowed that you would always stay! So now it's time for you to be kind to yourself too. Later on in life you will get on in years and not stay as youthful and active as you are at this moment. This moment is the right time to start planning your own life, for all those ripe years ahead of you. Now is the time."

As women, we tend to put other's needs before our own. There comes a time, when we need to put ourselves first. Do what you really feel in your heart, what will bring you the most happiness! Life is so very short..I'm just beginning to practise this myself..😊

Run fast as you can away from this love or it will eventually make you bitter. You already know the answer to what you want honey just be brave enough to do it you're not being selfish you're being honest. Good luck and many blessings and enjoy your life, I know🌷❤

Darling you do you! Life IS short! You have already nursed one sick husband. It’s time to think about yourself and no that’s no selfish! You only get one life ☀️ He has family to care for him. You must do what is right FOR YOU 💜

If you are already questioning this, therein is the answer. I am married and my husband is very ill; things haven't been easy but I am committed to the end - even through some very rough patches in our journey. I've determined to be a good friend at this point and see him through. No need to question perspective. What do YOU want now and for your future.

Take a break. Does it really have to be all or nothing? If you have feelings for him be honest with him. He already has a feeling something is wrong and it sounds like he really wants to be healthy to be able to travel and do things with you.

I think you already know what you need to do and are looking for validation...go with your gut..follow your heart..Set boundaries or the resentment will swallow you up alive .YOLO...Good Luck..God Bless...

Do a bit of traveling on your own and have a separate life from him . If he loves you he'll understand and encouragement you . Life's too short you are not tied to him and you could still be friends. If he doesn't like it then tell him to do one no-one owns you .

Can you have both. Go traveling with friends. Come back for time with him. If he can’t accept it then he can move on to something that suits him better. You may be completely done with traveling after a few years of it. Life is forever changing, grab it all.

go live your life plse - there are many care services and his family to take care of his needs and if he were a good man he would totally get it - love does not mean nurse maid!!!

You are thinking of ending the friendship ---- walk away before you become his oh so convenient caregiver.

He's not your husband. Be honest and help when you can but don't put your life aside. Tomorrow may not come❤

I took care of my life partner until he passed and I'm not willing to do that again anytime soon, so I get it. Be honest with him and move on.

Listen to your heart. I cared for my husband of 43 years until he passed away in our bed 8 months ago. We had a wonderful journey, but now I’m free for the first time since 1970! I’m enjoying being single. I’m 70 and still live adventure, not settling for a companion that will require “nursing.” It’s too painful. Be brave! Love is easily recognized, if you don’t feel it, it’s not there. God bless and guide you. 🌻

Read over what you wrote here. Your answer is right there. You don’t want to nurse anyone. You want to travel. You are independent. He's said he loves you and you have not responded. You would rather have two 30-year-olds. He sounds like a good guy. You sound like you want something else. My SO has had two open heart procedures and 16 stents since we've been together. He's also had a shoulder surgery and is now battling cancer. He is more important to me than anything else I may want. If you can't say the same, don't lead this man on.

I think you’ve answered it yourself. If you loved him wholeheartedly you wouldn’t feel as you do. Be honest and move on

I would be honest with myself. It sounds like maybe things got off track a little under the radar but it’s time for you to be truthful about what you want in life. At this point it feels like you’re stringing them all along. The easiest thing to do I think is get away for a couple weeks by yourself — a little retreat. If you don’t miss them all like crazy, you know it’s time to move along. Tough situation. God bless

This is a hard one. If you loved him it wouldn't be an issue. You wouldn't want to leave him. It sounds like he is in love with you but you just like him as a friend? Maybe you need to tell him this. The longer you stay the harder it's going to be to leave.

A stent will not put him out of action for long.

Be his friend Not his carer Life is short Get out there While you can

I would walk away. I lost my husband last November and I had nursed him for five years. I did that because I loved him and it was my duty. But it was hard work with not much in the way of thanks or appreciation. I wouldn't want to do it again. I'm six years older now but still active and want to start living my life. He has family to look after him and you must do what is good for you or your physical and mental health will suffer.

I would be choosing some boundaries, where you aren’t his nurse, but his friend, companion and lover. If you want a week at the beach, plan it. Take a solo holiday or go with a friend. I would choose a different beach to the one you planned with him... But don’t spend your life waiting

Follow your heart. You sound like you need to fly free. You deserve to be happy and to live your life. You can’t be the Nurse forever because life’s passing you by. I wish all the best for you.😊

I would follow my heart and it’s not with him You are already resentful as he’s stopping you from doing what you want to do I would make the break sooner rather than later You will just make it worse for everyone by ignoring the truth Good luck 🤞

I spent 10 years being a caregiver to my husband. I would do it again in a heartbeat. However I am now NOT looking for another companion. I do not want to be a nurse or a purse! I am planning on having some adventures before I run out of time. Being a little self centred isn’t a bad thing.

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