A Raw Glimpse into a Troubled Marriage

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“I am almost fifty-five and my husband is fifty- six. We have been married twenty-seven years and most of it has been querulous with the exception of the first few years…

He suffers from untreated depression although most often it feels like I am the one suffering from his depression. This has been a bone of contention for decades. Our sex life was amazing in the beginning. Rollicking, joyously, never knew sex could be so wonderfully amazing. It was the glue that held us together. Whether arguing or at peace, sex returned us to each other. But, it was always just sex.

He doesn’t understand any other type of connection. So during sex I felt like the most important person in his world, immediately afterward I could have disappeared and that would have been fine for him. In fact, he began to leave the bedroom and go watch TV most nights after sex. So, around the time he turned fifty he met a woman fifteen years younger than I and fell head over heels for her.

I fully believe it was only an emotional affair, but it was deep. He cherished her in a way he never cherished me. He defended her against my anger. We stayed together through this time only because when things became heated she denied any interaction with him. I know he would have went to her if she had been willing. And, this is when he began to lose interest in sex.

For the past several years he has become more and more impotent. It has been months since we have had sex, and he shows no interest and has no confidence when we do attempt it. He has tried the prescriptions with not much improvement and has even gone to a specialist, but refused to have any type of surgery to try to improve the situation. Any discussion about the situation leads to arguments.

I am emotionally exhausted trying to fix this on my own. I am lonely even when he is home. He ignores the fact that I would still like to be a sexually active woman. My self esteem is almost nonexistent at this point. I hate that I am becoming bitter about this. I feel completely alone. I don’t know what advice I am looking for. I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has lived through this kind of thing. And how? I feel like years are passing me by and it is so frustrating. Thank you”

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32 thoughts on “A Raw Glimpse into a Troubled Marriage”

  1. Please leave! There is a wonderful life out there just waiting for you…go for it! You deserve to be loved ..but you also need to love yourself. I can understand the hesitation of being alone, trust me, I’ve been alone for many years. But as my wise mother always said ‘your peace of mind is everything’! Good luck!

  2. It will be hard but you need to GO. It is, unfortunately, never going to change or get better. Bottom line, he cheated & lied to you. He has shown you over and over what you mean to him. I know this is harsh but move on. I did not want to but I had to start over at 66. I’m feeling lots better now & love being home alone.

    1. Go…leave while you can…same boat as me….
      I’m looking into getting a tiny house…I need more than what he can’t offer. He doesn’t have it, never had it!

    2. How did you stay with him throughout his affair? You don’t mention children – they’d be grown now anyway. Why are you still with him – he has had no regard for you. You have to leave him and get a life. You are not even 55 yrs old! You are seeking advice. All the advice given here, is for you to leave. Don’t be afraid or anxious. It will be a whole new chapter starting for you. I wish you all the best. Life will be good again.

  3. A, Learn to take care of your own needs, sexually, physically, psychologically. It is very freeing to understand that your dependence on him is an illusion. Then you can make decisions. Best of luck with cutting the cords of your ties to a relationship that was never complete, satisfying.

  4. Whether or not you stay married to him you need to live your best life, you only have one. If it’s as roommates fine. But go for a walk. Join a book club. Fix YOURSELF a fancy dinner. Light some candles. Talk on the phone with your friends. Drink some wine. Binge watch a chick series. Get a manicure. Take a bubble bath. Meditate. Do yoga. Basically take care of yourself. For you!!! You deserve it🤗.

    1. Good advice, I’m in this type of situation and I concentrate on me, and start inventing yourself, life is too short, enjoy whatever it takes! Blessing to you!

  5. Because I have been in your position, I feel I can be harsh. Your husband is a narcissist and the other woman feeds his ego while you no longer do. Without constant, positive attention narcissists become angry or depressed. The only thing that keeps you in this marriage is fear of change and loss of life as you have grown to know it. He has eroded your self confidence and feeling of worthiness. Do whatever you need to do to get them back and you will no longer question what to do. You have many wonderful years of positive experience ahead of you.

    1. Perfect!! I lived this nightmare, and you are spot on!! This is a narcissist. There is no winning with this type. Unless you feel like constantly stroking his increasingly needy ego, but trust me, you can go as far as debasing yourself for his pleasure, and even THAT will cease to be enough after a time. The affair you speak of, is the only one you KNOW about, but trust me, there were plenty more. Narcissists cannot live without constant ego stroking, and one ‘stroker’ will never be enough. Anywhere he goes regularly, like to work, or a store, coffee shop, whatever, is where he’s having his affairs. And Narcissists ALWAYS have more than one dangling after them, so don’t be surprised if you separate, and he immediately moves another into his bed and home. I lived through the exact same situation you described, and once his mask comes off, with the visible affair, you are going to start noticing more and more inconsistencies in the way he acts, discover more past lies he has told, and he might even start becoming so enraged in your presence, that you fear for your safety. That’s because he’s exposed his weakness in front of you, (cowardice) and he hates you for it. Get yourself a counselor, and start letting a professional help you through this, because no matter what you decide, your life is going to be rather bumpy for the next couple years…

    2. I have been in the same situation only he cheated many times I just didn’t know it
      Until I caught him. We hadn’t had sex in twent years . I filled for divorce and about that time he became very sick and had to have a caregiver, well that was me.
      Long story short either put him out or you go believe me their are me that will carry you on a silver platter. Please please dont give him one more day of your life. Live while you can.

    3. Been there, done that, got out. The only way to win with a narcissist is not to play … cut them out with no contact.

  6. You do not need to seek approval, if you feel no love and resentment then do what you feel is right, does the other woman still play an active part in his life?
    This is a decision only you can make as you need to feel comfortable with it

  7. The most lonesome lonely in the world is when the man you love is six inches away from you in bed and yet, you are alone. I was marrieds 20 years to a man who would withhold sex from me, yet cheated constantly. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. I was a beautiful young woman, the breadwinner, kept house, cooked. It took a lot of counseling for me to understand it the issue was his. Offering you prayers for guidance.

  8. It appears that the issues in the marriage have always been there and that your physical relationship in the beginning, was the only positive that you experienced with each other. It also appears that what you describe as depression, has always been a part of his life as well. If he will not seek long term counselling for his mental health issues and does not indicate that he wants to have a better marriage with you, then perhaps it’s time to separate and evaluate what you both want. Sometimes changing your circumstances can be beneficial in identifying what you really want. It may also motivate your husband to seek help. Actually getting a diagnoses if he is depressed, may help him get the medical help he would need.

  9. There two ways to look at this. There’s divorce or counseling?? If he would go you might work it out but then he still might be in love with the woman he was in love with. The question is are you willing to take less in life?? Or get back out there and fall in love?? Praying for you!!

    1. I agree. You never know what else is out there. Think it would be scary to be in the dating scene. Enlighten yourself.

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