Adult Children

This post is also available in: Italiano (Italian) Debi wants to know, “I am 60. Does there ever…

This post is also available in: Italiano (Italian)

Debi wants to know, “I am 60. Does there ever come a time when you stop trying to make-up for your short comings of parenting?

If you have a child of 42 years of age, do you still take responsibility and blame for their life not being good?

Is it my fault for not being a good parent? I believe I am a great Grandparent. I cannot change the past but try to be better now.”

  1. I believe that everyone does the best they can with the ‘tools’ they have. If someone is raised in an environment that doesn’t nurture and allow them to grow and give them a decent set of guidelines to ‘adult’, that person will either repeat what they learned as a child or break the mold, knowing they don’t want to repeat their childhood existence. We can’t change the past, but we can always work on becoming a better person.

    1. I have 5 children. All are grown. You would have thought I was a drug addict/ prostitute the way they treat me. I have not seen or talked to any of them in years. I’ve reached out and gotten no response. It hurts so much! Everyday I think about them! I have grands I dont even know. I feel your pain! Im a pedi nurse of 32 years so it’s not like I’m a screw up!

  2. I think this is part of our generation. My 41 year old son is furious with me, denies me communication with him and with my 9 year old grandson, because of what a horrible person I am and what a horrible mother I was, in his opinion. According to him my opinions are irrelevant, not wanted, but his are gospel. I feel sorry for him because when he comes to realize I’m human and did the best with what information I had it’ll be when his son treats him the same way he’s treating me now, and I’ll be long dead.

  3. I am 72 with a son and daughter in their 40s and 3 grandchildren.
    I have never stopped being concerned about all of them, praying daily for them, doing what I can to show my love and support.
    I have regrets about mistakes I made raising my kids. But I also work on remembering all the positives I was responsible for . When youknowbetter youdo better.
    My belief is to concentrate on the here and now and keep improving no matter how old you are.
    Love is the main thing no matter how old our kids are.

  4. Estranged from 3 daughters. I don’t worry about it now. They are all healthy and happy. My only son and my other daughter accept me for who I am… Brash.. 😂 I’ve apologised for being silly years ago with some of my decisions.. I don’t make judgements on them, and they still ask for advice.. I love them and they love me.

  5. Who is putting that on you? You or your children? Listen, you can only do what you know how! If your children are upset have that conversation, apologizing sincerely and tell them you did your best! Acknowledge their hurts but then YOU BOTH NEED TO LET IT GO! It’s over, done with, gone! If they cannot accept that and take responsibility for their own lives that’s on them once they hit 21 years old! (Or whatever the legal age for adults is in your area). Life is too short! Love who, when and where you can!

  6. I am a 70 year old mom/. My 38 year old daughter has not spoken, refuses to have any contact with us since September 2019. She won’t allow us to see my 7 year old grandson. We have been supporting her since her husband left 6 years ago. She has a Master degree in Business, but says she can’t find a job.
    My husband retired last year. We just can’t afford to support her on her income. We told her in August we would not help anymore. She blames me for everything…everything! I’ve apologized so many times. My heart is broken.
    I so

    1. You KNOW what has happened in her life is not your fault. Please don’t feel guilt and you KNOW she has to put her big girl panties on and support herself and her children.

  7. Funny how I stumbled on this read and I just got ripped a new one from my adult son. I raised 4 alone, paying a mortgage, building a career, and watching my spouse run the streets and ultimately cost us everything, my children go through these fits of anger when life slaps them around and two of them are constantly blaming me for their shortcomings in life. I spent several years apologizing and spending a lot of time money and heart into repairing…..but I noticed when they’re life is going bad they lash out at me, and man is it painful. I’m a gramma now too, for 18 yrs…and have been a fabulous gramma! I mean 1000% in love with those babies, I travel to see them constantly…and still, when that one child’s life is going sour…I’m the one paying, as usual. Talk about tough because I was raped and tortured for ten years of my childhood and I have tried desperately to be a good parent. They grew up in a phat house in a great neighborhood with little to want yet they tear into me like they grew up in the ghettos. I’m offended.

    1. I believe you deserve a better (happier) life. If you’re not seeing s therapist, please find one. It took me 2 years to “rise above” that type of relationship with my son. I told him that as much as I love him that I would not speak to him again until he began therapy. It took a few months, but he did. I had to realize that I did the best I could & his life is now his responsibility. Guilt & blame doesn’t have to ruin your life. The past can’t be changed & we have to live in the present by accepting who we are and knowing we deserve happiness. Good luck to you and your family.

  8. I grew up in a less than ideal environment. When I became a Mom, my mantra became”not like my Mom”. I did my best and they have turned out to be amazing men. I have guilt for all the mistakes I made. I am lucky and blessed.
    We all do the best we can. There always has to be someone to blame for the ills in their lives so instead of looking to themselves they blame you.
    Chin up, head held high, it is their problem not yours. No matter what, move forward and continue to do the best you can do.🤗👍

    1. This. When I was able to forgive my mother for lack of parenting, I realized she did the best she could given the circumstances, I was able to forgive my own parenting mistakes as well. I’ve always done the best I could given my circumstances. Forgiveness is the key. Give it to others as well as yourself.

    2. Libby…Excellent answer! I grew up that way also. Mom was always drunk and abusive to all SEVEN of us. I finally realized that my anger wasn’t hurting her it was only making me crazy. So I let go. It was hard. And then I spent my life doing that same mantra you did! Not my mother!!! My son is my life. We have an awesome relationship and he yells me all the time that it’s easy to be a great son when you grew up with great parents! So something worked!!

  9. I am 72 years old. I have three adult children. One of them continues to cut me out of her life periodically. We are getting along fine ( at least I think we are) and she stops communicating. Doesn’t return calls or texts, basically ghosts me. The first time I tried to stay in touch. Eventually she did communicate and it was back to happy time. Then it happened again. I went through a hard time at that time, to the point of considering taking my life. I finally realized I either had to move forward without her or did I really want to end my life? I found out I wanted to live and enjoy my grandchildren and other children. When I found out through rumors around the small town we live in that my daughter was very ill, I contacted them. I visited and everything went back. I helped with meals and encouragement. However 8 months later it started again, distance, unavailable. This time I had a relationship with Christ. After many prayers and tears, I gave my sorrow to God. Only God can change lives. I love my daughter, pray for her. I know there is something inside her that I can’t fix. My guilt ( I am Mom, I should be able to help her) won’t help. It is sad.

  10. I am in the process of “finding” myself again. I was a potter in my youth and at last have the time and space to pursue it seriously again, I had to let go of my studio and work fulltime as a teacher to support my two young children after the divorce from their father. I live in the same town as my two children, my daughter and I are in constant contact and I am part of her child’s life. I have to get used to not seeing much of my son and his children because his wife is very nasty to me and I am not allowed at his house when she is there. My son works very hard and sometimes brings his children to my house for a short visit when he has time, I am excluded from their lives otherwise and it has been extremely hard for me. I sometimes get very depressed about the situation but so far this year, all 16 days of it, I have been fine. It was very hard over Xmas and New Year’s because I could not spend time with them and I felt awful the whole time. It is easy to say that I should concentrate on my daughter, but I have always been mainly a mother and now I have become unneeded, invisible and unnecessary in my son’s life after 8 years of getting along well with his wife.

  11. 5 children and umpteen grandchildren. Always helped out babysitting, lending money etc. 2 treat me like a human being/friend,mother. 1 treats me like everything bad in her life is down to me. Other 2 are quite snappish at times. I admit their childhoods were not the best, thanks to abusive husband. He is out of our lives a long time. But i feel like, I’m the guilty one.

  12. Oh my goodness! Really needed to read these posts. Come to find out; I am not the only one in this boat.

  13. Do you forgive your mother for not being perfect? I firmly believe there must come a time when we stop blaming our parents for not being all that we wanted and start to see how (in almost all cases) they did their best in the circumstances in which they found themselves. Trust your children to do the same. Technically I was a pretty terrible mother – and there have been periods where my children have been less than loving – but thankfully they are intelligent, ‘real’ people, who as they grow older, understand that life is not perfect and people make bad decisions along the way. There is no need to ‘forgive’, they just understand that even when I screwed up, I loved them and tried my best. Just as I let go of the childish resentments I held towards my mother, once I tried seeing life from her perspective.

  14. This makes so much sense. I think can move forward now with a new perspective. Thank you.

  15. Every night I go to bed and think about all the wrong things I did or said to my kids, my daughter really can’t be bothered with me but loves her Dad, and my son lately has been treating me as though I am an idiot who knows nothing. I am now 78 and have just realised that next time he speaks to me rudely I have to say something like I am not listening to this, ring me back when you can be polite. Does anyone agree? A lot of the problems in the home were caused by my husband never saying anything negative to them, never backing me up, so of course he was the angel and I was the witch.

    1. I’m glad you are going to say something to your son the next time he speaks rudely to you. Because I felt guilty about my parenting, I let my adult kids speak horribly to me. Not anymore. Stand your ground n set boundaries.

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