Parents Archives - GreyFeathers.com Blog

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How to Cope with Suicidal Mother

ByGreyFeathers
April 7, 2021

“My mother is very depressed, so badly she doesn’t want to live anymore. She is almost 86…

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Trying to Help

ByGreyFeathers
February 25, 2021

“Have you had any people/relatives coming in during the pandemic and taking elderly family or friends out to…

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Turning Back on Daughter

ByGreyFeathers
January 29, 2021

“About six years ago my brother started cheating on his girlfriend, they had been together 19 years. They…

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Parents

Verbally Abusive Mother

ByGreyFeathers
December 29, 2020

Anonymous writes, “I am lost emotionally. Living with my quite ambulatory and still driving 82 year old mother…

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Parents

Warning about Bad Caregivers

ByGreyFeathers
December 15, 2020

Phyllis has some very useful information: “My mother died in 2011. She was a widow for 15 years.…

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Priceless Christmas Memories

ByGreyFeathers
December 13, 2020

Remember, as you go about your holiday shopping… Some of the best gifts in life don’t cost a…

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Taking Care of Mom

ByGreyFeathers
December 2, 2020

“I’m looking for some advice from the other readers. I’m 57, married to a wonderful man for 34…

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Aging Mother in Law

ByGreyFeathers
November 28, 2020

Anonymous writes, “My husband and I relocated earlier this year (just before the pandemic) and I am not…

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Parental Bullying

ByGreyFeathers
November 15, 2020

“I am soon to be 57-years-old and have a situation that seems to have always been there with…

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Light up the Darkness

ByGreyFeathers
April 19, 2020

“Our world is feeling dark and hopeless these days…

GreyFeathers

1 day ago

“Is it as awful as I feel it is, that our grandson who will be three years old in April, is not allowed to stay the night at our home?” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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Just be thankful you have him during the day, I haven't even met one of mine yet. Enjoy your time with him and don't look for trouble where there might not be any. If you push it, might just make it awkward and worse. Enjoy what you have and enjoy a good nights sleep. Sometimes we just have to make happy where we can find it. I wouldn't worry about it.

I always say, meet them where they are. It may look different - but the feelings are the same. Have them over for the day, invite them all to dinner, watch the child while they work or have a date night- I don’t know the reason - and the reason might not make sense to you - but the child is theirs to raise - not yours. Make the best of all the time you have with the child - and just maybe it will change. 🙏

My grands dont stay at my home. But they live within an hour and when they were younger and their parents went out, I went to their homes and Grandma slept over. Precious memories of them getting up and climbing in with me to snuggle.

Maybe mom doesn’t want to inconvenience you and has a hard time leaving her child places. I’d find positive in that. Instead of punishment, let it be a blessing…. 😉

It took several years for my daughter to allow my first grandchild to stay the night . It was her anxiety issue in leaving him so I let her decide . Don't look at it is something against you she just may want them where she can be sure she can get to them if she needs to. Enjoy the blessings of being with them .

My son tried that a few times to stay with grandma. He didn’t settle. He was awake and didn’t go to sleep. He was just sitting there looking around. So we got a phone call to come and get him at 9 or 10 pm. Grandma realised he was just too little. He was just too young. I think 3 years old is just too young to sleep without mum. I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t take it to heart.

This is sad. My grandson expects to stay the night everytime I see him, which is usually 1-2 times a month. It's a perfect date night for my daughter and her husband.

Its not about you, its about the child. Maybe he has a hard time settling in at night .

Children NEED grandparents. Teaching children independence and freedom from extreme attachments at an early age is imperative. I hope this works itself out soon.

It may be a personal fear as well, not geared at anyone in particular but maybe because the parent was ‘hurt’ as a child and may feel very protective…I didn’t let my children stay the night anywhere… till around 11… because of what happened to me as a child… so it’s not personal if it’s due to a trauma 🙏🏽 Find peace with it for now and maybe have a light hearted conversation soon, to see why 🙏🏽

We didn't spend nights away from our parents that young. We only allowed our own kids to stay the night after they could communicate very well and be able to express their feelings of homesickness or being afraid

It feels awful to you and you’re entitled to your feelings. Is it possible to have a conversation with them about their reasons? If not, then enjoy your time with him when you do see him. Trust their decisions for their child.

At 3 he may not be ready.

My 3 year old granddaughter loves coming to spend the night at my place sometimes she stays longer. My 4 granddaughters aged 6,5,3 and 2 have stayed with me the last 4 days. They all love sleepovers

I keep my grandsons everyday. My daughter can not wait to get home from work to pick them up. My 1st grandson wasn't allowed to spend the night till he was 3. Mommy didn't want to burden me, plus, she was afraid to be away from them over night. Chill out. You had your turn with raising your babies now let them be parents. When they are comfortable being away from their kids, they will give you the opportunity to have a sleep over. But just enjoy them when you have them and stop undermining what the parent feels good with now. It isn't you, they are new parents. They need to decide what's good at this time.

3 yrs old is a little young, unless it's a necessity for the care for the child. Wait for the child to express it self and parents are comfortable too. although they are our grandkids, they are the parents children, respect their wishes

So sorry!! My only grandchild has stayed overnight since he was a few months old. I can't imagine any other way. Maybe there are reasons the parents haven't told you about. He is 15 now, just lost his granddad and is wanting to live with me to take care of me. Lol keep on loving your grand, it will all work out!!

My sweet granddaughters were able to spend nights at my house since they were days old and it's been wonderful This is their second home ❤️❤️❤️

It’s a parents personal choice. And, yes they have their reasons. Trying to guess why or be judging takes away from the love we feel for each of them. We have both sides where one family allows theirs to stay & the other has only allowed day time sleeps here. Enjoy them when you can. 💞💞💞💞💞

My 4 year old grandson will not go anywhere without his mommy. We understand and don't push the issue. He is still insecure and that's fine. It differs from child to child and I promise he will still have many sleepovers when he is mature enough.

Does he stay overnight other places? How far away are parents? Do you smoke vs them not smoking? Do you folloe rhe parents rules when he is with you? I don't think it is that unusual to be quite honest but each situation is different.

I think that is a choice for the parents to make. I don’t think it’s awful at all.

I would never have left my children to spend the night without me at that stage of their lives..with anyone.

I’m the other end of the scale … I’ve looked after my granddaughter 5 days a week since she was born so my daughter can go to work … she’s 3 now … and she generally sleeps a couple of nights a week … just because she tells my daughter she misses her mammar … 😳💗but ALWAYS sleeps on a Friday … as I did at my grandmas when I was a kid 💗we have a very special bond her and I. The first sleepover was at 3 days old so my daughter could adjust and recharge ready to be a mummy x

I know a number of grandparents in the same situation. I wonder if it’s the hovering parent syndrome. It seems like parents these days have a much harder time urging their children to be independent of them. I would like to think a grandparent’s home would be a safe place to give them a little independence.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Borrowing from Cheeta. 🥰“I counted my years and found that I have less time to live from here on than I have lived up to now.
I feel like that child who won a packet of sweets: he ate the first with pleasure, but when he realized that there were few left, he began to enjoy them intensely.

I no longer have time for endless meetings where statutes, rules, procedures and internal regulations are discussed, knowing that nothing will be achieved.

I no longer have time to support the absurd people who, despite their chronological age, haven't grown up.

My time is too short: I want the essence, my soul is in a hurry. I don't have many sweets in the package anymore.

I want to live next to human people, very human, who know how to laugh at their mistakes and who are not inflated by their triumphs and who take on their responsibilities. Thus human dignity is defended and we move towards truth and honesty. It is the essential that makes life worth living.

I want to surround myself with people who know how to touch hearts, people who have been taught by the hard blows of life to grow with gentle touches of the soul.

Yes, I'm in a hurry, I'm in a hurry to live with the intensity that only maturity can give.

I don't intend to waste any of the leftover sweets. I am sure they will be delicious, much more than what I have eaten so far.

My goal is to reach the end satisfied and at peace with my loved ones and my conscience.

We have two lives and the second begins when you realize you only have one. "

Beautiful words of wisdom by Mario de Andrade.

The photo below is from Michaela Magaela Durisova of Bratislava, Slovakia who has an Esty shop where she sells these extraordinary crowns. Nearly all of the crowns are crafted out of natural materials. ❤️ ... See MoreSee Less

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This is why after 45 years of Florida Paradise I came home after retirement to grow old with my friends and classmates that were here also. Was having such a wonderful time for a few years reconnecting with everyone and now covid has taken all of that away from just not myself but everyone. So blessed that we were able to have our 50th class reunions June 2021. Not one person has been in my house for two years! Do not know what I would do without my two little dogs as I am all alone. I pray that before my journey ends I will be able to once again gather with my friends! Of all the things I miss most I think it might be just a simple hug and a smile.

Out of everything I have read today this is what I needed. 😢.

Life gets kinda precious, when there's less of it to waste

Retired last July and have changed my lifestyle to be able to enjoy life more. It's not about money anymore it's about time. I'm loving life and enjoying every moment.

Wisdom at its finest !!!!

I love it on so many levels but there is one level I need to point out. If you don't take care of the world, don't be surprised when it knocks down your door and eats all your sweats without your permission. Sometimes we have to sit through the pointless meetings because if we don't, nefarious actors will replace us and we won't like the results.

I’m living in Florida and moved to a condo in a 55 community it’s full of mean spirit old people complaining and complaining they range up to 97 yrs old you would think that they would be great full

Words to live …however much time you have left to live by

Life is precious…accomplish all you can loving and serving others. It gives you real joy!

This photo reminds me of this quote... "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. " — Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is certainly a gift, and I'm feeling the less but more. I may not have lots of years left, but I hope to enjoy them, and to be my Father's child until the end.

What an incredible face.She has the cheeky grin of a child and humour in her sparking eyes and the lines of life on her face show wisdom and knowledge.

This sound like me. I dont have time to waste on foolishness, & fools. My time is precious, borrowed and I intend to enjoy the rest with love and peace.

Wise words to live by

I want a crown

I want a crown….and I want to live my life by these words…

You never know when your time will come. Sometimes you wish it would come. Unless you have no pain… then go for it all!!!

Great post…it says it all and much more

The brazilian writer Mario de Andrade ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Some people have been alone because of Covid ,but there are many people who have been alone all their lives . We make our own choices we can’t expect others to carry us .The only sure things are we are born then we die , so be kind and u will be rewarded by someone’s smile .

Tooo much sensitively n too many expectations. Breaks ones heart n system.

Words of Wisdom, live your life, and Enjoy.💕🥰💕🥰💕🥰

You’ve gotten down to the important things of life. The real things. Congratulations!

Not many sweets left in my packet! Doing my best to enjoy these last few…not always succeeding, sadly.

Just beautiful!!

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

“I am a 47-year-old mother to a 29-year-old daughter named Sally. Sally lives with me and my 18-year-old son. She works full time from our home, in a job she’s having communication issues with her boss and team mates. Sally does not have a boyfriend or kids. She lives with a physical disability and walks with a walker. The limited mobility has always been an issue for her, she continues to battle these demons.

Sally will be 30 in March. She graduated high school and college and earned a diploma in social sciences and lived on her own while studying and managed quite well. Once she finished, she returned home with the plan to “take the year off” before going to university. It’s been four years and despite her physical limitations she is very functional, she is also lazy. She will not pick up after herself and has told me and her brother she just doesn’t care if her plates or bowls or clothes, underwear are laying around and that she knows we will pick up after her. Most often its true and when asked to pick up after herself she blows up and calls me a clean freak. Through my role of correcting her behaviour and reiterating responsibilities and consideration for those of us who live here, she tells me she just doesn’t care. Tonight, she after we blew up at each other and her reminding me she doesn’t care she said she doesn’t want to live anymore. I picked up on the suicide cry for help, it was not dismissed.

I’ve asked her to find her own place to move into by April thinking I’d give her a few months, I also suggested she look at assisted living places since she wants to have people cook for her and tidy up after her.

My question is, what am I supposed to say to her when she tells me she doesn’t care and wants to die? How can she develop the habits to clean up after herself? Any suggestions?” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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ANONYMOUS writes: "Be strong, I did the same thing with my oldest daughter she is now 35 and on her own. I gave her a few months as well and she never looked for a place until the weekend before she had to be out by Oct.1 the year she turned 30. I didn't bug her or even mention it until the week before by asking her where she was going there, she said, "I don't have anywhere to.go." So I said, "oh ok well, let me get the homeless numbers for you." I had a friend that helped me be strong during this..There is a long history of me enabling but that was a huge step for me. PM and we can chat if needed."

ANONYMOUS writes: "Life is about boundaries, setting them and holding them. I'm glad that you've 'asked' her to move, but that sounds wishy-washy. Remind her that she has a deadline. It's not only important to you and your daughter, it's important to your son as he's watching all of this unfold. You're setting the example for him too. Her mental state is a serious one and the two of you should consult a therapist. Is she seriously depressed, possibly suicidal? Why is she trying to emotionally blackmail you? Communication is key in everything I see here. Bless you and good luck."

She needs counseling and you probably do too. That’s a LOT for you to deal with. I pray she gets counseling and it helps her face her real problems (it’s not lazyiness). Bless you and your family. 😘

It's hard to have compassion for someone who may be suffering from depression or some other struggle, but grace, compassion and patience are called for. It would benefit her greatly to talk to someone in the healing industry. Family therapy would also help. It's not about the cleaning or not, that's just a symptom.

It sounds as if she is being manipulative because she knows you love her and that you would do anything for her. During these times it's so easy to get stressed and depressed. That doesn't mean she shouldn't clean up after herself, she isn't a child. Does she help you at all in the house? Maybe a little responsibility besides towards her own stuff would help her feel stronger.

I honestly don't know what to tell you other than she needs to be evaluated for depression. It is very frustrating trying to help someone that does not seem to appreciate your help. Sometimes family situations seem to turn into a cycle is everyone repeating the same behaviors that need a professionals help. Prayers for you all.

She works? She gets paid? Charge her rent and boarding for your services. Make her accountable in some way. And make part of your conditions for living there be to seek psychological help. But at this point she's not changing because her behavior has been enabled for years.

Tough love is harder on us than them. I would get family counseling going because this entire conversation needs to change and be had with objective mediation.

She is holding you emotionally hostage. You need to stick to her getting her own place by a certain date. Reassure her that it will be great for her if she has help to assist her cooking and cleaning up. Let her know she is your daughter but you also need to have your house back and that is not being selfish. Tell her you can help her find a place if she would like you to. She is not a child and she has proven she does okay on her own. Don’t let her make you feel guilty.

Counseling for sure. She needs to get her own place. Right now she is running your house and being totally disrespectful. She knows she can get away with it and will continue to do so until you make it so she can't. Can she be connected to a social service to work with her on finding a place and getting moved. At this time, it appears she will fight you every step of the way and continue to upset your life. Tough love.

She may be depressed and though I think the suicide threat is drama laced I wouldn't dismiss it. She needs to talk to a professional and push come to shove start making her take responsibility. Pay rent/groceries and if she can't clean up herself she needs to hire someone who comes on a regular basis that she pays for. You're letting her wallow in your home and not minimally taking on adult responsibilities

Family counseling first.

This sounds like depression and she needs emotional help

Stand your ground Mom. She will thank you once she accomplishes it. Due to motivation being low i would help her find an apartment to get the process moving. I would also ask her when she's calm if she is having suicidal thoughts or if she said that out of anger. If indeed she is having those thoughts or throws any other red flags i would insist she see a mh professional at the hospital and/or make an appointment immediately as a condition of staying at your home until April.

If she is talking about wanting to die, she needs psychiatric help and fast. That should be addressed first.

I am the mother of an adult son with clinical long term depression and social anxiety as well as a daughter with Autism who has gotten her Associated degree and works as a para pro at a school for children with Autism. Mothering children with other abilities or conditions is different from mothering the average adult child. I would suggest both a therapist for her and a family counselor . I understand the stress of parenting/room mates with adult children. To assume she is just lazy and thoughtless isnt fair to her. She may be using all the emotional energy she has to get through her work day. She may not have anything left to do the basics of housekeeping. She may have underlying feelings about living with a physical condition that most people in society dont have to deal with. Some people are so worn out from having to go out and interact with the work world that they are mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted when they get home. Asking her to get her own space is fine. I often tell my adult daughter that if she doesnt want to do things as they are expected in my home we can find her another place to live. You dont have to and shouldnt be her cook and housekeeper. In the meantime, telling her she can hire someone to come in to do what she doesnt feel necessary should be expected. I think that a fair compromise. But getting the counseling for you all is important in maintaining relationship and growing ad going forwards.

Depression manifest itself in many ways. Untidiness, lack of motivation, lack of general well-being. Her I don’t care attitude may be a sign of deeper issues outside of just being lazy. Her voicing she just wants to die is a HUGE cry for help. You mentioned she walks with a walker, has no life partner and no children and she works from home. Sounds like self isolation. Please seek out professional help not only for her but for your family as well. I’ll be praying for you love ❤️

Wow, this is very hard. It poses 2 questions 1, Does your daughter have genuine mental health issues, therefore her words are a cry for help or 2, Is your daughter deliberately using the suicide threat to get you to “back off”. Either way I would be trying to get some kind of professional help because it just isn’t healthy behaviour.

Get her some mental help, NOW! Maybe she is telling you the truth, and doesn't want to live. Obviously she has mental health issues. Maybe she is just trying to manipulate you, but she needs counseling. Find help today.

Some people never clean up after themselves - she could hire a cleaning person. I hate the “I want to die” card, because sometimes it’s a firm of manipulating and sometimes a cry for help. Around this issue of moving out with disability- I would surround her with a therapist, social worker, etc. a network fir her to thrive - she can’t thrive living with you and you can’t thrive either.

Call a suicide help line and ask for help for someone you love, they should be able to make referrals to social workers and psychologists. You cannot do this alone and neither can she.

Sending you hugs mama, it's a hard job and I think a hug is the best I can give ❤️❤️❤️

don't enable her. As long as she's capable of taking care of herself, it's time for her to go

Your suicidal daughter tells you she doesn’t want to live any more and your response is to tell her to get out? She is screaming for help. Her”I don’t care,” is her way of asking for help. She sounds deeply depressed. Why not help her get some psychiatric help?

This really hits home for me. My Aunt and Uncle just went through a similar situation. They thought forcing their granddaughter out she would begin taking responsibility seriously. When the fireman went to get her body after she committed suicide they had to shovel a path through the garbage in her apartment. Please do not force her out till she can get help through therapy!

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GreyFeathers

3 days ago

“My husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed due to both of us having sleep issues. He wears a CPAP machine at night for sleep apnea. He often wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to take the mask off because it’s uncomfortable. When he’s not wearing it, he snores very loudly. I’m a light sleeper too and can’t sleep through the soft noise of his CPAP, let alone his snoring. Ear plugs don’t work for me at all. I know we’re not the only couple with these issues forced to sleep in separate rooms. We have a big trip coming up and will be in the same hotel room. We still haven’t figured out how we both can get decent sleep when we have to be in the same bed/room. Any advice?”” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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KATHY writes: "A mouth guard is great"

My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bed because of his snoring and I’m a light sleeper as well. He is a restless sleeper and that keeps me awake. We have been together for 34 years and haven’t slept in the same bed for a long time. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it means you respect the fact that you need rest.

Maybe spend a little time together at first, pray, then say good-night, kiss and keep sleeping in separate spaces. Quality sleep is so important to good health.

Take a box fan with you and turn it on high. I've slept with one for 50 years!

Not sure if you know this but most ear plugs are made for men. On Amazon you can find ones made for women. You might want to try them. I know if I wear regular ones I can still hear things.

I don't have a solution, but just wanted to share that my husband has been gone for 6 years and I miss that sound :(

There are different types of masks. Maybe he should try another one that may be a better fit for him.

When my husband died, I put a guitar under the covers & turned his CPAP on just so I could get some sleep. I'd gotten used to him sleeping with it going that when I returned the machine I took to sleeping on the couch. It's a bummer you can't seem to get used to it. I'd give my eye teeth to hear that sound again.

I will never forget, in the Ann Landers section of a news paper a very long time ago a woman wrote how her husbands snoring kept her awake and annoyed and she was so tired all the time and grumpy, one day he passed away and now she couldnt sleep because it was to quiet and she would give anything to hear his snores again. Because of that little story i have always slept well next to my husband, comforted by his noises because i know he is there and i am thankful. Sometimes things arnt as bad as they seem, you just need to have a different mind set. I hope this helps. Enjoy your trip!

We sleep separate.. I'm up and down.. we both get a much better sleep .. just embrace it .. It sure hasn't hurt our marriage.. 51 years and loving every minute...

There’s no sound more beautiful than a man snoring 💤. Ask any Widow!!!

My husband and I are exactly in your situation. When we travel, we do well with 2 beds in the same room. Frustrating and doable.

I had the same problem a few years ago. I wore earplugs. While it did not cut the noise out completely, it was enough to let me sleep. Good luck. I hope you find a solution so you can enjoy your trip.

Separate rooms or take a sleeping tablet and tell him not to sleep until you are well and truly in a deep sleep. It works for me

Would it be possible to spend a little more and have a suite? This means you can have a bedroom and a living space that can be used as a separate sleeping area. (Like embassy suites hotel)

Drink more Tequila !!!

Noise machine. We have an app on our iPads we use when traveling. Also many of the other suggestions here are good: a suite, even separate rooms if you have to.

Just get separate rooms with adjoining doors. Just budget it in and plan on it.

Can I suggest you or he join the Facebook group Sleep apnoea Support Australia/NZ www.facebook.com/groups/327734814097865 (assuming you are in Australia/NZ). Sounds like his mask might not be right for him. Plenty of hints on that group and suggestions.

This sounds simple but it helps us so much, we each have our own covers. So when one of us is hot, or cold we are not disturbing the other ones covers. We discovered that that was waking us up to hear the sounds at night.

Talk to your physician re your sleep habits. Perhaps an RX , or OTC used for a limited time would help. Ask hubby to compromise this time, and wear his mask. Maybe a cup of chamomile at night would help calm each of you to make for a better night.

Not sure if it's legal in your area but there are cbd/thc options that may help you to have better sleep. As for your husband, I hope he can be fitted with something more comfortable.

Separate rooms with an adjoining door.

Have same problem. Not slept together in yrs. About worth getting to different hotel rooms. Always get condo or AirBnB with different bed rooms.

Doesn't anyone ever just enjoy the other person anymore?? Life is just too short!! You'll get plenty of rest when you die!! Just saying 😌

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GreyFeathers

4 days ago

Anonymous writes, “For a couple years before December 2018 my middle son, daughter-in-law and I discussed buying a multigenerational house with separate and private living quarters. In May of 2018 we found the perfect house. Since my son and daughter-in-law needed to put their current house on the market, and I was just renting, we decided that I would buy the new house and we would move in. Their old house would be empty so minor maintenance could be done and put on the market. We agreed that they would live for free in the new house until their old house sold. Their old house sold in mid-December. I was under the impression everything was fine. I spent a lot of money renovating their portion of the house to their specifications. However, I didn't know that as soon as their old house closed, they immediately went out and bought another house and prepared to move out of the multigenerational house they shared with me. I was not told until the day after Christmas. I was completely blindsided and devastated. When I asked when they would be moving, I was told today. I was left holding the bag on a large house I could not afford. Never once did they ask if I would be ok. I had to sell the house and move. Four months later my son had a heart attack and passed away. Things were never made right between us and now they never can be. My former daughter-in-law remarried quickly after his death and I have no contact with her. There are no children. So, my question is how do I move on. It has been three years and my heart is still hurting. People say forgive and forget. Yes. I know that I need to do that but I don't know how to do it.” ... See MoreSee Less

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Forgiveness is overrated. That was a crummy thing they did to you. You are entitled to feel hurt over it. And the grief you must feel over your son’s death is complicated by this, I know. There is nothing here to fix. It happened. It was bad. You do not have to forgive and forget- you just have to move on. Don’t dwell on it. When it does cross your mind, train yourself to think of something else. I am so sorry you have had to endure this.

Please, mourn your son, even if the relationship wasn't great in the last part of his life! Forget that part andthe associatedbitterness. With proper mourning, your peace will come back. Your heart will be healed and you will enjoy your other children.

You say “middle son”, what about your other children? Please, get counseling. A parent never expects to lose their children. If you have grandchildren, get more involved with them. Mourn the loss of your son, forgive for your sake and love your other children, but please see a grief counselor.

You acknowledge that this kid had a lousy side. Then you go to his grave or urn and you tell him everything you feel and think about what he did. Use as many bad words as you think fit your mood. Shout them. Shake your fist. You verbally spank that middle child with all your energy and pent up sense of loss. Then. You go back in a week or two. And you tell him that you loved him. That you always will. And that you forgive him being a little schitt. Take flowers or plant one somewhere in his honor for the baby boy you once cherished. Repeat as necessary. Being a mom doesn’t mean you stop hurting when a kid acts badly. In fact, it’s compounded by guilt and wondering what we did wrong. As for me... I’d also write the former DIL and tell her how it felt and how it impacted your ability to grieve. Because holy smokes... What a cheesy B she was to you!

Wow! That’s terrible in so many ways. I’m so sorry. My suggestion would be to see a counselor and a pastor or priest.

I am so terribly sorry. This was such an injustice to you. What I have learned with the years is that God wants our obedience more then our “ feelings.” My honest prayer is,” God with my will I forgive them. Now please change my feelings. Give me peace.” He will change your feelings to match your will. Forgiveness is for “ you.” The pain you carry is 24 hours a day. You can’t change the past. I pray you can lay it down at Gods altar and go forward in peace. This is my heartfelt prayer for you. God comfort and heal you. 🙏

Not really much you can do as he is dead and the DIL has moved on. What they did was just awful, but don’t cry over spilled milk. Go to grief counseling. A parent should never have to bury a child. As for the vile thing they did nothing can be done but learn from the experience and ensure it doesn’t happen again with your other children. 💜

That was a terrible thing to happen to you. Thank goodness there were no grandchildren because the DIL probably would keep them from you. Sounds like she maybe pushed your son into doing this. Grieve the loss of your son as any parent would do but realize that he would want you to be happy.

Find comfort in the fact that he didn’t die and leave you living with the DIL. That could have been really bad. Get grief counseling. It is an invaluable tool to help with the anger and the guilt as well as the grief.

Forgiveness is a process…and it doesn’t sound like you’re not forgiving, it sounds like your sad and regret the way things were left. That’s grief. I’m so so so sorry he passed. Take the time to remember the good about him amd what he was to you…it may have been the influence of his spouse that kept the wedge…love him…remember him in good light. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget either…but for your well being, you have to grow beyond this very sad situation. Sending prayers 🙏🏽

Another thought comes to mind. What if they would have moved in to the joint property. You got all secure. Then your son passed. And you would of had a messy tangle of assets with your ex-DIL?? Maybe you were spared far worse damages financially and emotionally than you realize? 😔

Firstly I would like to extend my most heartfelt condolences for the loss of your son, my heart is bleeding for you. No mother should have to go through that! 😢 Please seek out a good therapist to help you through this devastating period in your life! Additionally, if you are a religious person, you may find great comfort speaking with your priest. Sending you hugs!🤗 🤗 🤗

Write your son a,letter, saying everything you wished you.had said when he was alive. Then sit down in a place that you both would have enjoyed having a conversation in. Read him the letter. Pause, while reading and "listen" to what he would have said. It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your son until the house incident. Also sounds like there may have been issues beyond his control while he was still alive. I am so sorry for your loss.

Please try to find yourself a trauma therapist and a grief support group. In the meantime, there are tons of meditation, breathwork and tapping techniques on the internet. I am very sorry for your loss, but like most terrible things in life, it's up to us to take action to solve them for ourselves. Please be easy on yourself. This is not on you. I get the sense those two were having marital problems before they made this arrangement with you. Hugs.

I seriously think that this was a misunderstanding on your sons part fuelled by being fed misinformation by his wife. Please forgive him and allow your heart to heal.

Sometimes forgiveness is an everyday thing. But I have learned we don't forgive for the other person, we do it for ourselves. I don't believe we have to forget but do believe we have to forgive.

Time honey. Time will put a distance between you and past events and the hurt will fade. You have been poorly treated, without a doubt. But he was your son. You loved him. Go visit his grave. Talk to him, tell him how you feel about it all. Let it out. Then forgive him and walk away. 💕

I'm sorry but I'm not someone who buys into this whole you have to forgive people and forget what they did. Not even if they're your family do you have to do that. When I read this post I see that the son and DIL took full advantage of the OP. They used her money to live in a new to them home, all rehab paid for by the OP. They paid no mortgage or living expenses until their home sold. Then behind her back after living off of her for a long time They sold their home bought another, moved out with 1 days notice and left her with a huge amt of debt. This is not ok. This is deceitful. They set her up. And karma caught up with the son afterwards. My advice to the OP is to accept it, accept that your son was not the best kind of person, he did a terrible thing, it probably wasn't the 1st time in his life, and let him go. Enjoy the rest of your life in peace.

Been there. Trust God. He is the only one who you can. Forgiveness can be done but forgetting is harder. It's okay to have times of reflection, tears of a hurting heart. Remember you listened and tried. It's so hard but you must learn to think of yourself only(hard for mothers to do) Just pray and look for the blessings each day.

It seems your son not moving in with you, enabled you to sell the home and relocate This you would have had to do four months later due to his death. It sounds like the DIL would not have stayed with you either after his death for you to be able to afford the multigenerational home. Consider the possibility that this was a way of helping and preparing you for his absence(financially and emotionally). Given the circumstances instead of holding onto the bad feelings I would be grateful he led you to do what you would have needed to do. At some level he saw that you were where you needed to be without him. Love him and forgive him for he gave you what would need before he died.

You don't need to forgive. You will never forget. You will live with the pain of the betrayal for a long time. It will soften eventually but don't feel guilty for feelings you are entitled to. It's God's job to forgive. It's our job to live through it without letting ourselves be destroyed by deep pain.

Heartbreaking story. I would seek counseling as well. Praying for you to find peace🙏🙏🙏

I'm so sorry this happened to you...you were treated thoughtlessly and to have the devastating final blow of the death of your son is heartbreaking. Gentle hugs...

So much good advice here. I have nothing to add except my condolences. My heart aches for you and the loss of your son. I think perhaps the other things are healed on top of that pain and make it difficult to grieve for him. We are all flawed people. But love is something we give with no expectation of how or if it will be returned. If you go get to a point where that makes sense to you then maybe you can forgive him and allow the process of healing to begin. It was a terrible chapter in your relationship. But it wasn’t the only chapter. Focus on those.

The only person you can possibly get answers from to start your healing and forgiveness would be your former DIL. It might be worth a shot to reach out by writing a letter to her asking what happened. Even if she does not respond you still have been able to share your sadness, disappointment, grief with one of the people directly involved. Best to you.

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