Concerned What He Will Say or Do

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ByGreyFeathers
January 19, 2021

“I’m in a situation and need input. My daughter and I moved to where her college is located and quickly met new neighbors. They are husband and wife…

We started hanging out a lot – dinner, boating, etc. Very regularly. Unfortunately, he made advances that I rejected vehemently! Most recently he’s made creepy comments and behaved uncomfortably around my daughter!

We had to leave town for a family emergency and came back recently. Wife keeps texting me to go do something – they live a few miles away now – and I have no desire to continue the relationship because of him.

He’s a jerk – antagonistic, egocentric, etc.! He can be quite vengeful so I don’t feel I can just be honest. I’m concerned what he’ll say or do. I’ve tried being distant but she doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. Any ideas?”

GreyFeathers

Hi, I am glad you stumbled upon my little blog. My name is Helena, a wife ,a mother of four, and the creator of Greyfeathers.com. I hope you enjoy the community we have built, together.

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“My dilemma: my husband’s parents have passed away and now he wants to merge some of their things in our home. We’re already overloaded to the point that I feel claustrophobic with our things and now this! Not wanting to be the bad guy it’s his home too! What’s a wife to do?” -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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My question is are your parents still alive? Its hard tp understand the grief if you have not experienced it yourself. You would probably not be aa quick if it was your own Mothers effects. Let him hold onto his memories, he will want to clear eventually as time heals but for now respect this part of the process. Sorry for his loss.

I agree, this is an important part of your husband's grief process and it should be honored. Certainly, we all have to prioritize without unlimited space for more stuff. Maybe consider which of your things without sentimental attachment, might be eliminated to make room for some inherited items. Even consider a storage unit temporarily if need be. I have been an antiques dealer for 30 years and also do estate sales for people I know. My advice is always, if it tugs at you, keep it for now. You can always sell it later, and once it's gone, it's gone.

My mom passed away almost 3 weeks ago. I live in a one bedroom apartment. It's not easy trying to find room for the few things I kept but they were my moms. Help him find room for some things. They are important to him. Love him through this hard time. That's what we do for someone we love.

Oh, by all means let him. It's his story, his memories. The house becomes warmer, richer. We've done ir with our parents' homes and now my sons are doing the same.

I feel for you. We’re going through the same thing. I don’t want a bunch of things to clutter up my house. It’s harder to keep a cluttered house clean. I would rather spend the time playing with my grandsons and I don’t want to make it harder for my daughters when the time comes. It was a lot of work and it was tough on our bodies. Today’s kids don’t want our stuff. Most are minimalistic which I think is pretty smart. The older we get, the tougher it will be. Good luck

Let him. They're his parents and it's part of his grief process. I say this coming from the place of someone who has buried both of my parents, both of my in-laws, and my husband. We've lived in my husband's childhood home for almost five years, my husband has been gone for almost two years, and I'm in the process of sorting through his parents' things now. Grief is a strange thing and we each grieve differently. Part of my husband's grief process was being surrounded by his parents' things in his childhood home. It was annoying at times, but I'm glad now that I didn't stand in his way. No judgement, just my personal perspective.

Can you clear out a little bit of your stuff to Make Room for a little bit more of his? Can you also negotiate a compromise and explain your feelings? I’m married 20 years, I’m discovering what you don’t know WILL hurt you, so it’s best to be honest as much as I can. I find silence still bites me back later. Maybe if you explain and make a joint effort, the overall result will be that you both get what you want? It’s a very emotional thing. Sending good vibes and love 💕

Figure out what you have that you can get rid of to allow room for some of his parent's things. I've been there and it's not easy but you will both feel better for doing it.

You let him! If it was your parents you would be making room. It’s part of the grieving process. In do time he will be willing to let things go.

I agree with Tammy Smith Blake . This takes coordination with some compassion while decluttering. Can you negotiate decluttering and purging of things in your home so you can accommodate some of the things he wants to bring in? A sort of, can't bring it in until some things go out stance. It might be the solution that allows both of you to feel happy and satisfied in your home. Note to my senior adult friends, purging and scaling back is a good thing. Don't let this become someone else's burden. Make sure to ask children, family, friends, if personal effects are wanted then write it down and sign to go with your will/trust. Heed off dissension, your executor will be grateful.

Purge some of your things. It’s a two way street. Let him have some of his family things. It is our home not your home. It’s the little things that make a marriage work.

It's a mindset. Objects are just things, they aren't people although they can hold memories. Start clearing out what is in your home now, think of it as a future blessing for your children. Sell, give away, throw away. You will breathe better. . I don't think there would be an argument against your husband keeping things he truly wants to keep. Time to prioritize material possessions.

We did this. Hubby wanted their bedroom suite so it is in our guest room. I just made room by getting rid of something that didn’t have sentimental value. I cherished his parents and felt the loss also. I knew he needed that part of them. We also have her Cedar Chest... yes that bedroom is well stocked and cozy

Maybe sit down together and watch a few good youtube videos of professionals sharing about what to keep and what to purge Concerning sentimental items. Support and encourage each other as you make decisions on what to keep, sell and pass along. So many times we keep things not because we love the item but because we love the story behind it and the memory attached to it. Good luck and blessings to your family.

Take a few things, move a few things around, chuck em out in a few years time. Honestly we are all at that stage. How do we throw out stuff that has been special to our parents? It's hard but eventually you realise it's just clutter if there's too much or you aren't using it.

Let him have his stuff. Get rid of other things. We did the same with my mother in law who insisted we take all her furniture and use it when she passed. Our house was packed full and little by little, I started selling off and giving away things to the grandkids. After a while we were back to bare minimum. It was actually a fun project.

I wouldn’t ask him to part with precious memories any more than i would let him take that away from me. We have dealt with the same. My house is crowded but the kids are gone and slowly giving them some pieces. His folks are still alive so we may get some pieces, we may not. But its your last shot at passing on your heritage. Is it worth the inconvenience? Only you & your husband can decide.

If the house is that cluttered then you need to have a good clear out and then just add a few of the parents things . I’ve just had to do this and it’s difficult , I couldn’t keep everything I wanted to . We had a good clean out and sent a lot of things to charity so I know it would find a good home elsewhere .

My granddaughters husbands mom died of Covid and her things came to my house because they live with me. I did not say a word because loss of anyone is so painful and I never would want to hurt anyone grieving. I have been purging things for the last five years and it was good because when moved in with us at the beginning of my husbands battle with cancer. He only lasted 12 weeks and my work made it possible to have room for their things. It’s amazing what one accumulates in 50 years of marriage. I pray you say nothing but be caring loving and thoughtful to his broken heart.

Your home will be much more interesting and loving with a mixture of old and new. Right now, your husband needs some of his parents' things around him. That's wonderful. Our daughter's home is a pure joy to visit and it's a combination of both his parents and her parents and grandparents of both. Yes, they buy new things from time to time, but I walk in and see my mother's telephone table, and a sketch done by my grandmother and other items that are integrated into their home. It's a way to honor your heritage.

I had to integrate our household in his parents house which we inhereted. I just picked the nicest things from both and it worked out perfectly. I got rid of a lot of stuff by doing so, on both sides.

We brought both our parents stuff home and found a home for it as it helped us grieve -we have let most of it go now but it does take time to grieve and sort. Trying to keep less for our daughter.....

When my mom passed away I just wanted to surround myself with her things. The things she charished, it was part of my grieving process. I have been able to part with many pieces over the years. Your husband is literally trying to hold onto his parents, try to be patient. Switch out some items you already have that don't hold any real attachment for you for ones that do. Take pictures, make memory boxes, up cycle and recycle to honour some things. Let go of what truly doesn't matter and keep what does. You can do this💞

Well our kids have made it clear they want very little from us . Seems they don't have the sentimentality that we were raised by . We have so much and no one wants it . End of an era . I do believe in the take a photo and get rid of it but if we aren't going to honor it by displaying it we need to get rid of it . Hope when we retire I'll be able to do that . For now I'll dust clean and remember the stories . I am tired of cleaning though and would rather have fun instead of housework. Guess I sort of understand the kids . Minimalism does have its place !

Go through your stuff & downsize what you really don’t need & have your husband do the same with his parents things. It’s all about compromise. I’m sure there are things that are sentimental to him & is important right now. He may downsize more after the grieving process.

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GreyFeathers

1 day ago

Worthy quick read. ... See MoreSee Less

It’s not happening TO ME... it’s happening FOR ME (The Mentality You Need)

iamfearlesssoul.com

The cells in your body react to everything your mind says so think POSITIVELY

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Perspective

GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Found this on Kim's timeline💗💗💗 ... See MoreSee Less

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This is so true, some things I am more sure of others have lost their shine. But the only surprise I have had about aging is being the same essence I have always been

So very true, inside we stay the same. Good reminder that everyone feels the same xx

I am 68 now. I had a lot of responsibility for long years when I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I feel like I missed out on life but i know I can never recover those years. I moan the lost of those years, but trying not to allow the lost of those year to hinder me from enjoying my present age. Because l lost so many years, I am having trouble mentally accepting aging, but none the less I am physically aging, Though aging I am thankful for that opportunity, to age. Like most of you expressed here, in my head and heart, spirit and soul I feel like a young woman.

I loved my great great aunt. She was almost 90 when I was born. She loved to tell stories of her youth. She walked all over town visiting friends. She loved parades. She lived with my grandma & they played cards & laughed a lot. Her little body aged & she was lonely sometimes because everybody she knew in her youth had passed away but she said that inside she still felt the same as she did when she was 19.

I like being in my sixties. I like being past the middle of my life. I like being asked for advice. I don't want to be a child or teen or thirty something. I have worked for my station in life and I am enjoying what this comfortable stage brings. Old doesn't have to mean boring or lesser.

As a nurse I would ask the elderly resident How old do you feel . The answer came back around 25 years old . Very rarely the person felt their age .😊😊😊

Oh I can so relate to this 🤣....... in my 70th year I am still a big kid and can go from the sublime to the ridiculous in one fell swoop !! I sincerely hope that a sense of the ridiculous coupled with the wisdom of years might give me the balance to slip into another decade disgracefully 😘!

Beautiful....I am all of the ages that I have been. I am seventy two these days happy with the way I have turned out.....not happy with my sister, she is ten years older, an old lady now. I just don’t see her as an old lady in my mind.

I have to remember that when my aches and pains surface, not everyone has had the privilege of growing old. Much to be grateful for! 💕

I agree with this. My inner child is always there ready to jump out and have a good time lol

As I was sitting holding my Dad’s hand as he died he told me he did not feel old inside only on the outside, and that is when I first realised that probably everyone felt this way. I certainly do

Oh I so needed this today! Been struggling with an elderly mother that has temper tantrum’s and just slapped me. I need to remember. She is a child and love her like one

I understand the sentiment of this but it just screams a reinforcement to me that men never grow up and we mothers carry the burden of life and exhaust ourselves with overwhelm and under-appreciation.

My father said the same to me. His body quit but his mind was alive and well. He tried to tell us our history and about his life. Miss those stories.

I loved reading this because I'm so glad I still have that child in me that is awed by nature and enjoys the simple things in life.

This is the truth! In my mind I can still run, dance, do most everything I once did and laugh and enjoy life.

My mum in her 70s used to say she felt17 inside. Now I am in my 80s I know exactly how she felt!!! Daft isn't it?? But so true. Shame our muscles don't feel the same!!!

God has Blessed me for 90+ yrs. In my mind I can do things I did when I was 50, but my body tells me no. I can still drive, I cook and clean for myself.

My Mum was at life's end and still had that spark of anger towards me. Many a time I would cry in my car driving home from a visit but I tried to reflect on her as she raised me and gave everything she had to keep me loved and safe. I knew it was my time to honour her and thou difficult to acknowledge she had become a child again and her current health condition was no fault of her own. She is gone now and I miss her everyday.

What a lovely photo! His face is still full of mischief, like a boy. This says it all!

Always start up all the toys in the toy department at the store....if nothing else it embarrasses your grown daughter 🤩

At the age of almost 70, I have found that I have let go of fear. What's the worse that could happen? You could die. At this age death is something you make peace with, not fear. I am now free to do the things I was afraid to do when death was something that seemed in the far distance.

So true! One day you just look back and wonder how the decades passed so quickly. I am so grateful for my life, all the people I have been blessed to have met, learned from, all the places I have been to and all the amazing experiences I have had and am still having.

I remember asking my grandmother what it felt like to be old and she said, "frustrating, because I still feel inside, the way I did at 18, I just can't make my body do what I want it to do anymore." I have now lived long enough to know just how she felt...still 18 inside just can't move well anymore.

So very true...!!! At 83, I'm still that young girl pedaling her Schwinn bike thru the Shakespeare Gardens in Cleveland, Ohio...!!!

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Responsible, Grateful, Energetic 😊 ... See MoreSee Less

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Humble, amazing and phenomenal!

Kind, compassionate, grateful

Patient, caring, organized

Loving , helpful and overly sensitive

Not judge mental, very laid back, accept everyone for who they are!

At this moment in time, overwhelmed, scared, worried. 😢

Wife mother grandmother 👵

mama grandma and resilient

Daughter, sister, mother, grandmother..

Healthy,Wealthy,Wise!

Sober, grateful, caring. ♥️

Moody caring sensitive...

Friendly,caring,organized...

Blessed, kind and tired

Cat loving cyclist

Organized, truthful and grateful!

Fun-loving, grandma, happy camper!

Discerning , energetic , and humorous.

Intuitive, truthful, warrior.

Creative Loving Isolated 😟

Old, grey and aching!

Happy, bossy,mouthy pretty much cover it?

Musical, retired, Christian

Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy . . . I'm having a three-dwarf day

Grateful, 'content', unmotivated.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Anonymous writes, “How does a person kick someone out? Someone you love but that is willing to hurt you? Not bad but enough you know it's wrong. I cannot afford to change locks. And the idea of me booting him and leaving him with nothing and nowhere to go or sleep kills my soul. To top that off I don’t like to be alone. I've put myself in a dumb spot, I know.” ... See MoreSee Less

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only you can decide when you have had enough , when I had have enough I left , that was the best thing I have ever done for myself, financial matters can be settled later, but getting out of your situation is more important ,letting him know you mean business, good luck , I wish you happiness

Give that person a time limit that you want them gone and stick to it. It is their responsibility to look for a place to live and provide for themselves. Your responsibility is for yourself and that includes being happy. Find your joy in friendships and activities. Volunteer, you can make friends and bring joy to someone else.

It’s hard to take that leap of faith, I too done it after 13 years of abuse. I was promised so many times that it would be all better and different but it’s when I saw him starting to do to our daughter what he had done to me for a long time it was like an explosion in my head. I knew I had to get him out for us all to survive. It was dangerous as I knew he could either kill me or our two very small children so I had to get us safe. It was hard,money was scarce and I had to forge a new identity but the peace we had was so worth it. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner.

You can change locks. I went out after raiding my piggy banks brought deadbolt and a regular lock and went to a neighbor who had tools to borrow some and get a lesson. A little while later I got a huge dog who hated men. And I lived quite peacefully after that. I was darned if I was gonna flee another home as I had previously. And I bought this one so he had to go. Do not waste your life on someone who does not care.

Sometimes it is the only way, it might be your child who is now an adult but still at home. They have to learn to grow up and be responsible because one day you won't be there. You should not have to live in fear from anyone.

In the end, if you make the right decision, surprisingly they will survive....they will find another person to receive their abuse...proven time and time again thru history....pull up your big girl pants and take care of yourself. Hugs!!

You put him in one bed room and you live in other! My husband made me upset 20 years before he passed away! I looked after him... I was already supporting myself and I went places with my gal pals and didn’t give it a thought if he liked me being gone or not! He was very respectful of me, we didn’t argue or fight! We both a comfortable place to live with half the expense!

He'd most certainly have no problem putting you out if the roles were reversed. It is beyond egregious to live in disrespect in your own home. A home is a Haven. A Sanctuary to block out the world and feel safe. Being alone with oneself is far better than living in chaos and expecting it to change. What you see is what you get. Please listen to your Soul. It's sending you a message.

Please take some advice from somebody who has packed and moved multiple times for similar reasons.... Be heard, if he's not listening when you speak,write it down give it to him to read. You are wasting years of your life, precious moments that you'll never get back, please don't do that to yourself..

better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you wish you were alone. Disrespect can NOT be tolerated. Either tell him to quit the BS, or he'll need to leave. You are not a doormat, quit acting like one. Speaking from experience, & yah I am alone, but so much more happy with myself. Good luck.

When the emotional damage & pain of having him around outweighs the pain of being alone, you'll be ready. I know. I've been there. I wasn't afraid of being alone, but I didn't want to make someone homeless. I gave them 30 days & even went as far as finding a couple of resources for them. And I was done.

I honestly think if you feel that he needs to go, he needs to go! We tend to worry about those that don’t deserve it, because we ARE good people! THEY always find a place to stay! And seem to land on their feet!

You are better off alone than living with someone who doesn’t RESPECT you! I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone and because my kids were young. We will be married 50 years in October. We are civil to one another and the grandkids brought us closer. We love each other but not IN love. Our adult kids (two) love him but said I should have kicked him out.

If any relationship, friend, lover, roommate, doesn't make you better than you are by yourself, give it no space in your life. Do whatever it takes and protect yourself from all sides. Good luck. 💜

Locks aren’t expensive. Save up and change them. My guess is this person will land on their feet. Find a good therapist, good friend, my personal go to when I’m struggling is exercise. But there’s a reason this relationship feels bad and you need the space to figure it out. Sending prayers for a warriors heart ♥️

Sis, you seemed to have put yourself in a box, pulled the lid shut and now having serious thoughts about your predicament. That's a very good thing - because when you make this difficult decision - and it will be difficult - it will be contemplation. Pray on it. Then, act. You KNOW in your heart what's right and what's best for YOU. The other person is hoping that you continue to hang out in a fog....Do what's right and what's best .....God bless....

You have to be able to somehow tell them, you know this may hurt them and it’s the last thing you want to do, but this isn’t working out. I’ve been there myself. Ask them how much time they’ll need or you give them a timeline to move. But keep reassuring yourself and them they’re moving. No extensions 🙂 Just a note: only after this person moved did I noticed certain things missing. Never thought they would do that but they did. Put special things up, the guy smiled in my face everyday leading me to believe we were grown and acting grown all awhile lifting things here and there. Took my fathers tools! Didn’t deny it when I asked. Said he was mad at me, never returned them. And I’ve never Spoken to him again

First decide whether you really want to kick him out. Then seek legal advice. It isn't always possible to just kick someone out. If he receives mail there or pays any bills, may be his legal residence & could require an eviction. If what you really want is for him to stop hurting you, seek counseling or a support group, & begin to set boundaries & limits.

You don’t want to be alone !?!? With that mindset you will always be in this situation. Grow up. This is where you need to start. You can change the locks yourself, it’s not hard. Some on here say seek legal advice, if you can’t afford locks I doubt you can afford a lawyer. If you are afraid for your safety, get a restraining order. It doesn’t sound like he is concerned about you and your well being, Get him out of your house and life, let him take you to court if it’s illegal. Don’t be so concerned with what will he do .... he’s like a cat, they always land on their feet.

The more you provide for this person, the more dependent they will become. You don't like to be alone? Well, I suggest that you get a small pet. Stop providing for them which in making you feel so resentful. When you pass away (which will happen sometime down the road) they will not be able to sustain themselves. You are actually holding them back. Sorry this is so brutal... You see I have been there.

It's the "you can't help those who can't help themselves " Or your enabling. They will never do until they have to. Others have said it here, I can say it's hard. I went through it, and "they" survived and so did I. There are resources out there for whatever the challenge it. "Write it down" was good advice too!

Borrow the money to change the locks! If he has hurt you physically, shoved you, threatened you, grabbed you and would not let you go., whatever. Get away from him and do it ASAP. If you don't, the abuse will increase in severity and in frequency. Seek help from women's shelter organizations, religious groups and state/county/city social services. A house is a building, you are a human being. Please do not put your home before you own safety. You are so much more important than material goods. Please reach out for help. You are so precious in the eyes of God, as we all are. Please, get help and get safe.

I lived with my alcoholic husband for many years trying to help him. It just got worse and worse til I had to kick him out. His refusal to get help was affecting me, my health, and sanity. I did not know where he would go or what he would do but he stepped up and found a place to go. Had he not I would still have not let him stay. They can be resourceful when push comes to shove. As hard as it is you have to take care of you.

Changing locks is not expensive. You can find out how to do it yourself on YouTube. You should have a conversation on how it’s not working for you anymore and that they should move on. That they should plan on going to a friend or relatives because emotionally you’re moving on. Do not allow someone that doesn’t love you to take up space where someone who is at least loyal could be. Take out an ad for a housemate. Move on.

If it is your house ...change the locks ...seek legal advice and report to police ...if it is a joint property seek legal advice first then go to the police ...if it is a rental then you leave phone a friend and go and stay with them asking for help is the first thing you should do

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Concerned What He Will Say or Do

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