Concerned What He Will Say or Do

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ByGreyFeathers
January 19, 2021

“I’m in a situation and need input. My daughter and I moved to where her college is located and quickly met new neighbors. They are husband and wife…

We started hanging out a lot – dinner, boating, etc. Very regularly. Unfortunately, he made advances that I rejected vehemently! Most recently he’s made creepy comments and behaved uncomfortably around my daughter!

We had to leave town for a family emergency and came back recently. Wife keeps texting me to go do something – they live a few miles away now – and I have no desire to continue the relationship because of him.

He’s a jerk – antagonistic, egocentric, etc.! He can be quite vengeful so I don’t feel I can just be honest. I’m concerned what he’ll say or do. I’ve tried being distant but she doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. Any ideas?”

GreyFeathers

Hi, I am glad you stumbled upon my little blog. My name is Helena, a wife ,a mother of four, and the creator of Greyfeathers.com. I hope you enjoy the community we have built, together.

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GreyFeathers

2 hours ago

Anonymous writes, “My life is a roller coaster right now... it seems that when we are at the top, everything comes crashing down... (yelling and accusations) and then we slowly creep back up only to come crashing back down again and lately it takes these jerking left and right turns that hurt the head... and I am so so tired of it all... I no longer know how to act in my own home.” ... See MoreSee Less

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Your life shouldn't be like that and doesn't need to be. If counseling isn't an option, a lawyer sure is. Praying for you.

This is the pattern and cycle of an abusive relationship. Emotional and mental abuse is just as harmful as physical. Seek help as soon as possible to make the right choices to end the cycle.

Oh my gosh, I had been riding the same ride until I decided to get off. I picked a phrase I say every time he comes at me. I let him spew then take a deep breath and say “ alrighty then “ then I walk away. And I mean I walk. I use the remark I say as my mechanism to stop myself. You don’t ride that coaster and you don’t have to engage in warfare. Make yourself take control to shut him down. When he says what’s up with you, look him in the eyes and just say not going to battle. This way you get to pick your battles.

You might want to research narcissist behavior. Get a plan in place for an escape. Gabbi Pitito didn’t have an escape plan.

What happens if YOU refuse to participate in these crashes? The only thing you can change is your own behavior. Try it.

So sorry for your troubles...I hope you sit down and have a long talk with yourself and come to a decision that helps you...life isn't meant to be endured..

It sounds like The Cycle of Abuse with the four stages of abuse (calm, tension building, explosion, apology, then repeat cycle). Someone may be experiencing mental health issues, or perhaps it’s just been a way of life for them. Either way, you can’t change that person but you can work to change your own life, including the decision to get away if needed. Seek counseling, utilize your social supports, and take stock of what you have in your life that you can use to provide for yourself. Focus on self care, and pray if that is part of your beliefs. I wish you well!!

No-one can stay at the top or on a high. Life is full of ups and downs. Without knowing your lifestyle or age etc. it’s hard to judge what exactly is going on. If it’s abusive and you can’t discuss things rationally then get out right away. Life is all about give, take and communicate. Happiness is fleeting; peace and contentment is the practical side of life. Only you can decide your fate. Good luck.

Walking on eggshells is exhausting. Get counseling or get out.

I don’t know your circumstances but after 2 hurricanes , 6 months out of my home, my Dad passing away, I felt this after moving home, it’s horrible. Everything finally came crashing down. Please seek counseling, will help you get back on track.

Someone has to get off the Merry-Go-Round so to speak. I made a decision to get off my roller coaster after many Second chances and Promises it wouldn't happen again and 38 years of marriage. I have peace in my home. My footing is on the ground without crazy ups and downs. I am at peace. God has never left my side.

Seek help. Worrying about how to act in your own home rings so many alarm bells. You should be living life in your own home for that is not a privilege but a right. So…please seek help 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Get outside and take in the beauty around you. Sit quietly and ask yourself what is it you want from your life. Praying helps

If its you doing the yelling and accusing STOP. If its your partner, walk away. People who behave that way are either trying to hide something or are feeling vulnerable.. or are just plain nasty. Get out of there you dont have to put up with it.

Perhaps a good heart to heart talk is more effective than yelling. If it fails, suggest joint counselling. If it fails, seek personal counselling for options so that u may make an informed decision for yourself. All the best to u.

That sounds like life with a narcissist. Please consider joining some groups here on fb. They have been so helpful for me.

Whatever you are doing ...isn't working. Change needs to happen. .

Don’t participate. Walk away. Insist on quiet voices and good manners.

I think we need to be careful to stoke a fire if we do not fully understand what the fuel for the fire is. Anonymous does not blame her partner or explain her own emotions and reactions. This may just be the result of the stressful times we live in and may have nothing to do with an abusive relationship. If a couple have financial, health, lockdown or other stressors, there may be many other options for a fulfilling life - other than to walk away. Of course, if the relationship is abusive or there is a complete breakdown of positive emotions towards each other, walking away is probably the best option.

You might need some professional help.

Is this with your partner or family? It's not that clear

If the way you're living-doing something is causing you physical or emotional pain, then you need to change the way you're doing it. Counseling is a great start!

Reminds me of neurotic behavior. When it is good and has a good feel to it there is something that triggers it back to the familial behaviors you know. Too good to be true mentality. Good news? It’s fixable- if you want it to be. I feel it is underneath all of this.

The roller coaster is an excellent description of how my life WAS....get out while you can....

Therepy may take too long to materialise or work..maybe you need a more practical approach and seek help from a local support group..if you are in the slightest danger you should tell someone..and identify a place of safety should you need to pack a bag an leave..it's very difficult to know how bad something is when you are in the midst of it...only when you can step outside from it or get friends to observe ...will you know.. Please seek help ..tell someone..

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GreyFeathers

1 day ago

“My stepson has come out as non-binary and I just can’t wrap my head around it yet. I’ve seen celebrities do it and I brush it off as something weird. I don’t understand it and have yet to acknowledge this sudden change.

He acted out at 14 because he felt alone and that no one cared for him. Then he told everyone he was bisexual.

Ok, but why tell everyone? I’m bisexual so I understood that. But most gay or bisexuals don’t want additional labels. They just want to be known by who they are as people. I’ve had a friend who turned into a woman. I also get that. But now he’s telling everyone he isn’t a man or woman and his chosen name is something funny like Casper (the Friendly Ghost). Is he seeking attention, is this a phase, or is he’s truly this person now?
Right now, neither his father nor I understand it at all. It’s almost a slap in his parents face and the person whom he was named after. We get this is his or their journey, but until he changed his body and legally changed his name, I’m afraid to call them/their Casper. I hope people can be kind in their advice because we’re totally clueless as to what non-binary is.” -Angie ... See MoreSee Less

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ANONYMOUS WRITES: "Angie, how fabulous that your step-child feels safe enough to tell you something so massive - many people live for years unable to tell their family something so huge. As a parent I was prepared for potentially a child being gay but when they came out as transgender it totally threw me. I didn’t know much about it so I talked and listened to my child and did lots of research. Lots of people struggle to understand gender identity issues and my advice would be to be there for them, listen and support. Be sure that they know you are there for them. The outside world can be so cruel so home needs to be a safe place where they can be who they are. Counselling for the young person and parents can be useful but try to access someone experienced in gender issues as otherwise you could end up going round in circles (we did). I can highly recommend GenderGP for counselling. You don’t have to sign up for anything more than just sessions as you use them and it’s all on line (cost is comparable to any private counsellor). With your support your young person will find their way and learn to live as the person they are. Good luck!"

We don’t have to understand people to respect their wishes - and in the meantime we are lucky we have such easy access to so much information at our finger tips to help us learn. Humans are so diverse and I like to think the more I learn, the more I feel grateful that life is so interesting 🌻

Love him..... unconditionally. Don't try to figure it out, that is what he is doing. Stand loyal, strong and supportive as he struggles through this part of his journey. He has not found his place or his purpose yet. Be patient. <3

Unconditional love is just that…unconditional. Part of loving someone is respecting who they are and whether or not you understand it doesn’t change who they are. I’m the mother of a teenager who has recently come out as part of the LGBTQ community and it isn’t up to you to dismiss their wishes simply because you don’t understand it. Find a support group and try to be informed of their world. You will be glad you were an ally for them.

It's not a slap in the face to the person they are named after because they didn't ask for that name and don't owe nobody anything.

It’s not his job to fit into any kind of “mold”. What we don’t know, we fear. Ask him to explain it to you. To me, it sounds like he’s wanting to believe he has unconditional love from his family, and wants to include you in his life.

I wish you all the luck in the world...It's something I don't understand either...nor to be honest would I put much energy into trying...People are what they are...

Identity seeking behavior of youth. They have very little experience at life. They need lots of unconditional love, gentle guidance. Continuous affirmation of self worth and acceptance.

I feel for you. The honesty given to you is most important and the trust shown to you in having even having the conversation is even more important than anything. No one on this planet has any idea what is truly in someone’s mind, or what they are thinking. My advice is love your child unconditionally ❤️

I think he just wants to be a person. Loved as he is.. a human being. There may be many other manifestations, just go with it..as my dad said to me, no good worrying about something you can’t fix.

My 12 year old Granddaughter tells me she is pansexual. I don't know what that means although she has tried to explain it to me. All I know is that I love her with all of my heart.

Ignore it. If it’s a phase it will end eventually. These kids see stuff on TV and Internet and decide to follow. Also the early teen years are difficult for most kids. Trying to find their identity. I wouldn’t get too upset.

He is doing his best to cope bless him. He's got the full whack of teenage hormones plus the new physical and emotional feelings to cope with. My grandaughter has a friend who refers to herself as 'they'. This is how she wishes to be known and fortunately her friends and family support her. My grandson has come out as gay at 18, but hey He's still my grandson. All you can do is love and support, support. Ask your son what he needs in his life and how you can help him. xjx

They are telling you who they are. Why is it difficult? They identified as bisexual, now non-binary. You identify as bisexual. This is not an attempt to acquire a label. It’s a expression of who they are. Period. If you have questions, ask. There are plenty of support groups to help you.

Stop taking this personally, stop making it personal. Start loving them unconditionally, start listening without judgement instead an open mind. If you do this you might understand and if you still don’t understand that’s ok. We don’t always need to. They are still the same human they always have been they have chosen their label. Think about the many labels you have that were either chosen by you or for you ie, mom, wife, grandma, woman etc. Don’t let this cloud your vision, he really just wants to be loved not judged, don’t we all

Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to understand. Don’t ask why. Love them and be honest about your confusion but be sure to keep the focus on them. Leave sorting your own feelings out for therapy.

Gender binary is the classification of gender into two distinct, opposite forms of masculine and feminine, whether by social system or cultural belief. Most cultures use a gender binary, having two genders (boys/men and girls/women). When somebody declares themselves as non binary it means they chose not to be recognised as either masculine or feminine/man or woman. They’re effectively declaring themselves as “a human”, neither identifying as a he or a she. Neutral if you like. I don’t understand why it’s become a term - but it has? To be honest this new world seems unrecognisable in its acceptabilities. Seems that anything goes these days. You’ve just got to roll with it, seems mainly to be millennials and zoomers adopting the trends. Look up snowflake children, another term that’s really kind of sad and seems like a lost soul identity.

Your feelings count and they matter, this is your part of the journey. Trying to meet others standards of fictitious unconditional love ( there is no such thing ) may end up causing misunderstandings and resentments. We make this harder than it is. Your step-son’s sexuality/gender identity is his business , don’t sweat it. Everything is still the same, house hold rules and standards, day to day living. Ask him for patience while you remember his preferences and be patient while he

I beleive its better to be kind but stick with the truth. Non binary is made up except for the birth defect in hermaphrodite. Our young people are being sorely confused as to gender and sexuality. Girls are she/her. Boys are he/him and it takes more then one person to be they. We need to quit delving into this lie and calling it truth and maybe our young folks will find their way to the truth of who they are and figure it out in a healthy way instead of being offended their whole lives at each person who messes up their chosen pronoun

He is 14, struggling like all 14 year olds and trying to find his way. My advice is to give him the room he needs to find himself. My child, 29 year old, came out as bi-sexual at 16. I knew when they were around 7 that they were more than likely gay, so I was not surprised at 16. Many come out initially as bi-sexual as it doesn’t seem as difficult and quite honestly, again, I think they are trying to figure it all out still. They went from bi to lesbian back to being bisexual and along with several other deviations before he came out three years ago as trans. Yup. I was shocked and it took some doing to be able to wrap my head around it all, however, girl or boy, that’s my child. I asked that he go to counseling for one year before making any drastic decisions one way or another and then two years ago on 7-31-2019, he began taking testosterone. He is happy, confident, well liked, successful and in a committed relationship. How has our relationship changed? Other than using he, him, they or their, it hasn’t changed one bit. He is my CHILD. I love him and I support him. As a mother , I only want 3 things from my children, to be productive members of society, to be self sufficient and most importantly, to be happy. He is all three. Give your stepson the room and acceptance to explore and figure out who HE is. Not your idea, mine or the rest of society on what he should be but who he is. Being able to identify ourselves when we are younger is extremely important. The fact that he told you is HUGE.

I'm a 70 year old grandma working to get the name and pronouns right. I don't really understand it either but, love my young relatives with all my heart. I don't need to figure it out. That's up to the Lord who is all knowing, far more kind and loving than we will ever be.

Best wishes navigating these strange new waters. If you can find out whether this came from inside or outside him, whether it came from his own inner thoughts and feelings or from propaganda at school, it might help you know how to proceed. But most of all, he needs your love and acceptance. In you shoes though, I would make him wait until he's of legal age for any surgeries since they are not reversible.

Just don't allow any surgeries or drug altering therapies until 18.... supportive yes of course but no surgeries... good luck🤞✌

Why is it a slap in their parent's face? This is the young person's life, decisions and journey, nobody else's and I think other people need to stop centring themselves. If you're truly interested, have you tried asking them what it means to them? If talking to them directly isn't an issue, there are plenty of organisations that would provide helpful information.

Just roll with it. Call them Casper. Save yourself and them stress and anguish. It's just a pronoun and name. They are still the same amazing person they were a year ago.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Have a grateful heart💓 ... See MoreSee Less

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Always trust your instincts

Walk with God always! 🙏🙌❤

Look after your knees 😣

Put God first Always!

Always call your mom.

Dance like nobodies watching.

“When in doubt... DON’T”. My grandmother.

Show kindness to everyone.

Be instrumental, not ornamental.

Be grateful every day. Speak up as needed. Appreciate those you love. Always trust your instincts. Listen with full care. Be good to yourself. Actions tell us all. Treat others with respect (and expect the same).

Animals deserve kindness too.

Don’t ever look back.

Have confidence in yourself

be kind and thoughtful.

Truly love yourself first.

Always walk with God

One day at a time

Always put God FIRST!

Choose kindness every day

From the 12-step tradition - more of a mantra than advice, but I like it for radical acceptance: "Bless them, change me."

This too, shall pass... my granny

Choose your partner carefully

Be grateful ~Embrace Life

You are a masterpiece!

5 words. "Respect is earned not demanded". My favourite saying.

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

Auntie S, this one is for YOU!😆 ... See MoreSee Less

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No. It gets done right away. Takes a few minutes and I don't need the clutter

If you have the right number of clothes you can just pile up the clean ones and use off that pile until they’re all gone. Then run another load of laundry.

I'm proud of myself because I got it all put away on the same day as washing and drying this week.

I guess I’m a weirdo but wash, dry, fold, and put away all in same day!!

OH MY!!!!!! You're supposed to put them away?????? LOL

I chuckled at this. Some women take housework way too seriously. Relax.

Can not stand to leave laundry, I have to take it straight out of the dryer and fold hang and put it away.

Wash, dry, iron and put away, all in the same day. Couldn't be doing with clothes hanging around the house.. Now dishes, that's a different story. lol

I'm sorry but I don't understand. The laundry isn't done until everything is hung, folded, and put away...the same day it gets washed. ALWAYS. That's how my sister and I were raised. (That way all of your clothes are available for the week!)

I air dry on hangers. That way, when it's dry it's already on hangers, but things like towels and sheets are overwhelming to put away.

I force myself to put it away - immediately. Can’t live in a mess. The washer takes longer than 30 mins unless you are using rapid wash.

I could not sit down if my house was not picked up and clean. If that is a sickness ...I'm guilty...lol

I don't use the dryer very much, it is one of my little ways to help save the planet. when they come out of the washer (and the bags I use for bras, sweaters, fine fabric shirts, then they are hung up on hangers with top buttons done up etc. and put on an over the door rod, the undies and pants go on the drying rack. then I just grab the hangers and woosh there in the closet. the other stuff is so minimal it takes no time. but the drying rack is never put away

Washing 30 minutes or by hand, drying with solar and wind power on the line. Summer sheets 5 min. Other things 30 min of good drying. Fold perfect put away perfect.

Or never, just wear them right out of the laundry basket 🤣

🤣I was doing laundry in the apartment complex facility years ago, this bouncy guy takes a shortcut through and says hi and asks working hard? I say No This Is The Easy! Stops in his tracks and looks at me and says Say What 😝 I say the Hard Part Is Putting It Away. He says So Right and we both laugh 😂

Good thing about it...you know where it’s at,on the dryer folded,or still in the dryer😜

Simple House rules Make a mess - clean it up Take it out - put it back Turn it on - turn it off ANYTHING found laying around TODAY - Will NOT be found anywhere tomorrow

"Put it away while it is in your hands" my mom

Oh I know the feeling putting away and if I have to iron! 🙄

Always fold mine on the same day.

My laundry room is attached to my master closet. Easy to put away immediately.

Nope I put them away right away!

Not here, it may take weeks to set in motion but finished in 2 hours or less

That’s impressive ; some still keep in basket and pile new clothes on top 😂😂

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GreyFeathers

2 days ago

An oldie but a goodie. ... See MoreSee Less

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I was told by my second grade teacher that I wasn’t any good at art because what I drew never looked like the real thing so I never participated in art projects. When I was sixty a friend dragged me to a spirit painting class where I discovered I’m good at combining colors and painting energy. Love painting “outside the lines”💚

My sentiments exactly I did teachers training ,hotel management,airline ticketting fare s I learnt to operate a computer and the phone a ll after my son grew up and yes I am not great at all these things lately I have also been going to baking decorating ( cake) classes. I am 70 and love doing all these things life definetly is a journey where you learn things every day ..

If you don’t try things how will you know if you are good at them? Even if you are good at them maybe it is not something you really enjoy. There are still so many things I want to try in my life. Love this.

I belong to a quilting group on Facebook. Time after time people will post - “be kind this is my first quilt and it is not very good” First thing I say is it is beautiful and then I say any flaws make it uniquely yours.

Thanks for thispost. I too have never been one of those people who never have been great at anything I needed this encouragement

Never be afraid to try something especially if you have an interest in it. You just might surprise yourself at what you are capable of doing. If it doesn’t turn out, that’s ok. Try again or just ad it to your list of accomplishments, because you did try it and that counts for everything.

I worked as a nanny to a family the parents took the children to a party, one of the other mums was boasting about her children,apparently they were brilliant at everything, she asked the mum that l worked for how good her children were at activities and how good they were at these things,she didn’t know what to say,when she came home she was very upset,she told me what happened,l said her girls had fun doing these things,l don’t think the mother has got over my inability to understand 😂😂

This is how I feel about my quilting ability

Love this💖‼️Not every child is going to be an excellent student, have their pictures in the yearbook pages of joining all the clubs…but they are still destined for a good life…

How absolutely true this is, just enjoy doing things, and enjoy life.

Trying something new, whether you are good or bad at it, is still a great experience and a learning tool. Enjoy life a try different hobbies !!!

Powerful post! My 6th grade teacher told me I was stupid because I failed a test. She said if I would study than I would have past. I told her I did study. That is when she told me I was stupid. She had my brother 2 yrs earlier and he was a straight A student and did not have to study. It came so easy to him. He would sit down with me the night before a test and go over the subject with me asking me questions and I knew the answers. So, because of her comment I have felt stupid all my life. The only thing I felt I could do was crafting, which I enjoy. It was the one thing my parents would encourage me to do. They praised my projects.

Love this!!!! Even if it’s not your thing you have a part of life where you tried and experienced something!!!!

And trying out skills, develops a deeper appreciation of music, art, sport, cooking, etc .

"Failure" in multiple talents creates by proxy a singular successful talent based on the amalgamation of experience

My mother used to say "if you don't try. you already lost". She also said "it's not how you fall down or fail oh, it is how you get up". I read a lot when I was young and almost every successful person has a failure story, more than one. I have a friend that is older and she never painted before and sat down and just tried it without lessons. Her paintings are wonderful she had a hidden talent and she is enjoying every moment of it at this time of her life! I have as much pride in her as if I had accomplished something LOL

You do things to enjoy..and to learn. What makes up the enjoyable side of life.

This story should be framed to be on the walls of family homes!🙌👌

I was thinking the same thoughts yesterday as I drove to Banff with my grandkids!

I love this mindset! We can't all be perfect! Plus it is interesting to learn new things. I have often gone to a class on something and really learned I like it very much! How will you ever know if you don't try it.

I believe in lifelong learning

Such a wonderful perspective. I think many people hesitate to try new things for fear they “won’t be any good”. Do it for the simple pleasure of doing it.

It is so true. Sometimes you do things because you think you are good at them, only to find out you are not that good. But, don't give up. If you enjoy doing it, keep on doing it. Persistence carries.

You’ve got to be willing to do something badly in order to ever do anything well.

Some things you will be very good at, some things not so good, but you will never fail at anything.

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