Contributing to the New House

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“Is it wrong in today’s times to expect a man to take care of you? (I have old fashioned values and I’ve never been a feminist.) I’m a 63 year old retired school teacher with a very small pension and I recently married a very dear man. However…

I’m now realizing he thinks I should be contributing to the expenses as he is. I do the shopping, cook the meals, keep the house spotless, keep the laundry done, and keep him happy in the bedroom. He is semi-retired and keeps the yard maintained and takes out the trash.

I just sold my house and came out with around $50k after paying off the mortgage. We are getting ready to sell his house and move to another town, downsizing. He thinks I should invest my money into the new house, leaving me with no savings. He has his own savings account and has a very large piece of property (40 acres) that his daughter will inherit.

Our argument is over my contribution to the new house. I agreed to give a portion but not leave me without anything, although I really don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to contribute at all. I pay my own health insurance, pay for hair appointments, my clothes, makeup, and for anything in the line of decor for the house or garden, out of my pension.

And if anything happened to him, I’d be left with nothing but bills and a mortgage. Am I wrong? Thank you.” -Anonymous

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47 thoughts on “Contributing to the New House”

  1. Absolutely not. You already contribute by paying your own expenses. That was your house that the $50,000 came from and is literally you retirement money. It might be a tough decision, but I would be firm.

    1. Better be careful, you are about to “get-got”! He’s wanting to live off your money, sell his house and keep the money and give the property at time of death to his daughter! You are in the same thing I am trying to get out of, and it only gets worse! Better be careful and run while you still have shoes!

      1. Keep your money, he is still expected to be the provider bank your money, all of it. Get a lil part time gig to cover off expenses for yourself. As women we need to be smart with our money, typically we live longer than men.

  2. I HAVE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD AND MY ADVICE TO YOU IS GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN BECAUSE IT IS ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE

  3. Late in life finances should be kept separate with full disclosure. You are not paying rent now, but you could go half on the utilities, groceries, or entertainment, etc,. and continue keeping house and caring for him, no matter where he wants to move. Marriage is a commitment to each other, not a business arrangement! I would be buying my own small place after that proposal!

  4. I would not put a cent in that house. Go ahead and pay him rent and he can pay you for your household duties! I don’t think you’ll end up not owing him any rent at all! Sometimes we make compromises and they ruin our relationships because we’re constantly irritated thinking that we got taken advantage of. From what I’ve heard from other people, their children took advantage of them, stole their houses from them. I think he can live in the new house by himself and you stay where you are! Hang onto your money. And myself, I don’t trust him. After all your money is in the house, he could change and make your life miserable, force you out, and then you have nothing at all. In fact, I have an idea. Don’t sell your house. Rent it out and collect the rent. That way, if things go sideways, you can always move back home.

    1. Totally agree with you. Do.Not. Give him all your money. That is an unfair thing to ask of you. Put it in the bank and do not put his name on the account with yours. Add one of your children. You need to stay independent. Women have to protect themselves and their future. He maybe a nice gentleman now but you don’t know what the future holds. Has he put your children on his will or accounts along with his? I think probably not. Stay strong and if he doesn’t understand, well maybe he’s not the man you thought he is.

      1. Oh no girlfriend keep your finances separate you sound like a very intelligent woman, get away from this user!!

    2. He seem to want a housekeeper rather than a wife ,wants all the benifits marriage is a partnership share equally every thing you do not need tobearthe expenses or invest in his new house keep your savings your rainy day may come sooner than later.Lay down some ground rules sorry to say you are being taken advantage of be careful and look out for your self.

  5. I would see an estate planner together. And you definitely need to work out your issues with mine, yours and ours. Maybe consider doing that in the presence of a third party who can keep things on track. It’s too easy for emotions to get in the way otherwise. And, you need to see that if these issues can’t be resolved, you may have both made a mistake. Sorry.

  6. Only if house, land and bank account is left to you, otherwise she can have you evicted and you’ll be on the street. People get ugly over very little money and things after a death.

  7. Keep what’s yours. You will need that later on in your life. Fair is fair & what he is asking isn’t fair to you. He may not like it but. Be a little selfish & take care of you.

    1. I did the exact same thing you have done only I was working full time and he was retired Navy. Because I had no invested money in the house he had he expected me to pay him rent. ! Before we were married we had talked about our finance’s. He mentioned none of this. Anyway he ended up dying a couple of years after we were married. His daughter was left with everything. Left me homeless so I had to find a rental. Pos

  8. This “my money, his money” is what is wrong. To me, Marriage has always been 90/10, with each doing the majority at different times. I feel you are doomed from the beginning if each is looking for what the other can do for them. “Our” money goes into a joint account, and we discuss major purchases beforehand. It’s a joint venture, not one supplying everything.

  9. Each of you should contribute to buying a new house, but each of you should be on the deed. Under no circumstance put all your savings into the house, a small percentage, not to exceed the amount he is putting in. Most importantly both names must be on the deed.

  10. Each of you should contribute to buying a new house, but each of you should be on the deed. Under no circumstance put all your savings into the house, a small percentage, not to exceed the amount he is putting in. Most importantly both names must be on the deed.

  11. My first thought is that this should all have been worked out before moving in or marrying. Given that the horse has bolted then I suggest you see a counsellor who can help you each understand what the other one is saying and help you come to an agreement. Once agreement is reached, put it in writing and both sign it. If you cant come to an agreement, at least you know earlier rather than late. Best wishes for a wonderful outcome and life together.

  12. Keep your savings!!! You just never know what may happen. If you contribute to the new house at all, make sure your name goes onto the property.

    Just paying a small amount of “rent” should be enough.

    Think of yourself too.

    1. Her name will go on the house anyway if they are married..problem is he will get half if things don’t work out..

      1. No her name will not go on the house just because they are married. My daughter recently seperated and found out that her name was not on the house but it was on the mortgage. He sold it and now she is paying off the rest

    1. Laws for what happens with the house when one of you dies varies from state to state and province to province. If you would prefer, why not pay him some “rent” each month to go towards expenses and the house is his. Works for us.

  13. My advice is to rather offer to pay a small contributing rent and equal share of expenses and home duties. Do not use your savings at all, you might need it in the future. Good luck.

  14. No. Your opinion is rational and logical. Have you explained to him , in detail, how you feel? I am also a retired teacher, so I completely empathize with you.

  15. No. You’re not wrong. You should not invest all your money in a house. As you stated, if something happened to him, you would have nothing ( no money). Stick to your guns.

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