Disinterested and Resentful

“Hello GreyFeathers Community… I’m seeking advice from my ladies 50+… Have any of you lost your attraction to…

“Hello GreyFeathers Community… I’m seeking advice from my ladies 50+…

Have any of you lost your attraction to your husbands? I have been with mine 20 years. I am 53 (and have been through menopause already) and he’s turning 60 this month. When we met, our connection was intense and very deep. It still is. He was virile, confident and passionate. We had such plans for our future!

I have resentments and trauma built up because of all his health & financial issues. I’m angry that he doesn’t take care of himself like he should but if you ask him… he is.

We really don’t have a sex life anymore and I shouldn’t be okay with that but I am. I still love my husband very much and have no plans to leave him. He has many wonderful attributes which is why I fell in love with him and on good days, I’m reminded of that. On bad days when he’s been throwing up cause of his meds, or is in more pain and has no patience with anything. Our options of things to do is extremely limited because he can’t walk for more than 10 minutes and won’t use a scooter or anything else.

He thinks my disinterest is because of menopause… must be my fault of course. He really doesn’t see that it’s him. There’s nothing left of the man that used to excite me. And watching him be in pain every day and struggle to move doesn’t make me want him to exert himself even more. I feel so torn. It would kill his ego and our relationship if I said this to him. We’ve developed a lifetime together but at what age do couples let go of having sex and why?

I’m healthy and fit and feel like a huge part of my life is being sacrificed. The person I wanted to share my adventures with is disabled now and has encompassed that identity for himself. Part of me understands that he didn’t ask for these health issues but he did and still contributes to why it’s so bad. So, I feel resentful that he won’t take better care of himself for me and for a better future. He’s given in and taking me down with him. I need some advice. Thank you for this great community” -Anonymous

  1. Try to accept him as is ,things could be reversed ,you are there ,you love him show him by your acceptance, he is suffering, and his time seems near to him .As for yourself, find a couple of things that you enjoy ,and do those !There is no competition, be happy that he is alive ,no pressure .

    1. I don’t agree Coco. I feel sorry for our lady in question.

      Maybe you need a male prostitute come to the house or go out and find a one night stand. He either knows about or he doesn’t, it’s up to you. I’m 54 and I still have a big sex drive. I hear you.

      1. So love doesn’t matter to you? Just lust…like an animal? One night stands? That’s what animals have…self serving and hurtful in the long run. But you must be a tough old bird.

        1. What about the younger generation, they have sex with different partners and think nothing of it. Just because our generation have married for better or for worse. Doesn’t make anyone an animal if they chose to have sex with someone else. But she could buy a sex toy.
          I know friends who are going through this exact thing, being in a one sided relationship. It’s hard and I just listen and be as supportive as possible.

    2. Make the first step you take be to counseling
      If not the two of you, then for yourself

    3. Coco, I agree with you. Even though this man damaged his own health he cannot get it back and if he were to be honest and open he is hating this part of his life also. So when we are young and the vows that we make to each other is very sincere and we mean them, but we are looking into the eyes of each other strong healthy and full of life, but a few years down the road, our health begins to fail and life takes over, then is the time to renew those vows within ourself and be honest and don’t take off running away from each other. Use this time to take care of each other. For better for worse, through sickness and health, till death do us part. I have been there.

  2. My husband and I are in our 50’s and we are having much of the same issues. He has health problems that make sex near impossible. He doesn’t take care of himself and I am extremely resentful. He does nothing anymore and his drinking has increased. I definitely feel I am missing out and that time is running short for me to make a change. I feel stuck in an impossible situation with my husband. He will not change so I feel that I need to but after 23 years it would be extremely difficult if not impossible.

  3. I think counseling for you BOTH would help tremendously here…if he won’t go with you, go alone! Also, have you sat down with him and said those very same things to him? That you STILL love him deeply and would never leave him, but that part of him is “missing” because of his health issues? Let him know you NEED him back! Meanwhile, YOU get together with women friends, don’t suffer with him

  4. I’m 53 and he is 59 and I was in the exact spot you’re in now. My husband broke his neck, (work injury) and it totally changed him. He could still walk and do things after two surgeries and a lot of therapy. I had settled with no sex life and it is what it is. I resented him so much because he could have avoided the accident if he had followed the safety measures. One day he accused me of cheating on him because “you have to be getting it somewhere” and he asked me for a divorce. I wasn’t ready to give up, but he gave up on me after 17 years and all we had been through. It was a low blow. He wouldn’t go to counseling, he said he was done. I didn’t seek counseling for myself and I wish I had. I’ll always wonder if there was something I could have done to avoid the divorce. Take care of yourself and get counseling.

    1. Sounds like his guilt over the situation made him run and give you what he couldn’t offer

  5. I have depression and my husband was told that he had Parkinson’s seven years ago we had gone to nto not having sex told him I could live with that but then last year he tells me that he was not in love with me and walk out

  6. I am a widow. I wish I had my husband to take care of. I miss spooning or just human touch. Go to counseling, get help for yourself, if he won’t go. Fight for you marriage, these last years of commitment to each other, should be sweet and most precious.

    1. I am also a widow. I would give almost anything to have him back–and we hadn’t had sex in over 12 years due to his medical issues.

    2. Agree! I am also a widow. I was a caregiver to my husband as he battled cancer. That year, although hard beyond belief, is remembered as a fond sweet time between us as we shared our last moments together.

  7. My husband,& I just celebrated 25 yrs, & I am having some of the same issues. He is 10 yrs older (75) than I , and is a Disabled Veteran with PTSD related to his service; also has a bad back(blown discs from years of commercial electrician, bad knee(skiing ,& motorbike racing), & a C-level cracked spine from an old injury,so he has, over the years become more sedentary, which has caused weight gain, & has lost interest in bathing, shaving, & since a stent placement this past February, his memory has become alarmingly worse. His COPD, has also become much worse, & he’s been on a course of Cortosteroids twice this month. I, too, am resentful, because I saw the choices he was making(not making) were not in his(our) best interest, long-term, but he refused to listen… so here we are (not that I am so wise, but I’ve had a long history in healthcare, & could see…you know?)with still love between us, but bitterness, & resentment…. & communication strained;We are both on antidepressants, but every day is a struggle to some degree

  8. Dear Anonymous –
    I totally feel what you are going through. I’m living basically the same life. After much thought I’ve decided to stay. We have 4 grown children and 2 grandchildren. I think the hardest part is not having someone to do things with. While my bff’s are great, I wish my husband and I shared some interests outside of our kids. I’m just hope I don’t regret my decision in 10 years! Good luck to you as you decide your future.

  9. First thing to do is take care of yourself with some counseling. That can be a tremendous help in getting you to a place of comfort within yourself. Secondly, do you have a hobby you enjoy? If not, what have you always wanted to learn to do? Go out and do it. The third thing is friends. Do you have girlfriends that you can escape with for an overnight or two? Since you have no intention of leaving your husband (til death do us part), then you must take care of yourself and only then will you be able to take care of your ailing husband. I pray you will find your way.

  10. I’ve had many discussions about these same issues with my girlfriends, most of whom are in their 60s. Surprisingly few of them still care about sex, only one is still interested occasionally, and none of them still share a bed with their partners. All of them have some life that is separate from family members- such as friend groups, lunch pals, yoga, book clubs, etc. All of them have frustrations with their husbands (me too), I think a lot of it is that we have put up with somebody’s b.s. for a long time and our patience is gone. My advice is to build your own life parallel to the relationship with him.

  11. My husband became unable to “perform” when he turned 50. That was 18 years ago. He would often express how frustrating it was for him to not be able to satisfy my needs and wants. I tried to brush it off and tell him that I was fine without it. His health issues have gotten worse over the years and I often feel the resentment towards him. I gave up my career in nursing to be his full time caregiver and don’t get me wrong… I love him. We are approaching our 50th anniversary of marriage. Although I would never tell him…I miss sex. When you are young and full of life…sex is easy and fun. Now I miss the intimacy and closeness. We sit together and watch tv..barely speaking…but he is still there and so am I.

    1. 😥 I left a 6-1/2 year marriage recently that’s similar. Other bad habits abound for my soon to be ex husband though. I feel your pain and everyone elses. I made the choice to choose me.

      1. No, sex doesn’t stop at 50, what stops is our desire to be close to the person because of many reasons. Health, resentment, lack of interest of daily life.
        I started dating when I was 55, he 60. (I was widowed at 50), at first sex was great, and for the next 5 years we we’re close. He has a lot of health issues including ED. We continue to have a “roommate “ relationship, we have lived together for almost 20 years. I feel that the “flavor “ has left our lives. How long Will this last? Not sure. I continue to do things that bring me joy.

      2. Not true! My sex life got better in my 50’s! We have been together 23 years. I’ll be 56 soon & he’s 62. My husband & I have very open communication. We talk about sex often and have a plan for when he “can’t perform”, but he say he plans to be satisfying me into his 80’s! We have sex on average 5-6 times per week, somedays twice a day. He is extremely fit for his age and we both lead an active & fit lifestyle. I think that is the key. We flirt & tease constantly. Marriage is like a garden, it needs tending everyday. If left unattended, the weeds & pest take over and it’s hard to get it back thriving.

  12. Wow! I am 51, my husband has diabetes, high blood pressure and has gained #150 pounds since we got married 23 years ago.He has chronic back pain and takes pain medicine,we haven’t had sex in over a year. I love him and my family but I also feel resentment towards him. I think it’s selfish on his part not to want to take care of my wants/needs because he has no desire for sex. It also make me feel unattractive and unwanted. I have told him this over and over. It’s so frustrating. I would never leave or have an affair but the thought has crossed my mind many times😢

  13. I so feel your pain, and everyone else’s I read on here. I’m 57, work out, eat healthy, and my husband is 54 and does not one thing to take care of himself. I was thinking the other day that because this is a decision HE makes, I’m the one who will be taking care of him with he has a heart attack or a stroke. Not that I don’t want to but he’s making the choice to be unhealthy. Sex? For the last 12 years, maybe 3 times a year, and it’s horrible. It breaks my heart that I’m to the point I don’t want him to even touch me. We have a great friendship…we are roommates. We have been married 15 years and I never dreamed I would be in a sexless marriage to a roomie. I totally understand for better or for worse. I just didn’t know it would be over his bad choices. Bless all you ladies!

  14. My experience is once there is no sex the intimacy is gone you become nothing but room mates and after 16 years without it, for me, I left. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I really didn’t need sex I just needed intimacy~

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