Dumbfounded

“I started dating my boyfriend three and half years ago. His then 26 year old daughter (only child)…

“I started dating my boyfriend three and half years ago. His then 26 year old daughter (only child) did not like me. She excluded me from his birthday dinner, which he paid for…

I worked and spent my own money making her engagement party a beautiful event to try and get in her good graces and let her half-sisters get to know me (ex-wife was also invited). I told them that night I would never come between her and her father because I grew up with a stepmother that did. So long story short I was not invited to wedding, reception or when she graduated from boot camp. So, I broke it off.

I started dating. He begged me to take him back and I did. So there has been a pattern, she is nice to me when she wants something. Over the summer I drove eight hours to AR where she is stationed, helped her redo furniture. We stayed four days ALL was great. I got back home she never spoke to me again. She came for a visit, she was ok, asked me to make her some decals, which I did. She went home not another word. So, he built a house and I moved in, we got engaged at the start of Covid. Boyfriend was excited and he did our invitations himself. We have planned, paid, etc. She started crap last week over guest list. We kept it to 50 because of Covid. She was upset we didn’t invite her friends, her in-laws. More things… we have argued over it all.

Friday he told me he would not marry me because his daughter said she would not speak to him again. I’m devastated! I gave up my home, furniture, we sold my car and I can’t afford this new one. I’m currently on long term disability, no job, nowhere to go. Oh and he said we could still go on honeymoon as “friends”!!! He said he would not put me out. I don’t know what to do or where to start. I went into debt the first time we broke up and in total have moved three times since I’ve been with him. I told him if he wanted me gone he would pay for me to do it. I don’t know what to think. Earlier in the week I was the love of his life, his forever, everything perfect, we NEVER argued… the greatest relationship. Now he won’t have anything to do with me “I don’t want to lead you on!” Any advice appreciated. Sorry so long.” -Anonymous

80 comments
  1. The answer is right in front of you!! This will never change and you need to move on!! Tell him how much money you need to move and stand tall and move. Please please do not go backwards on this. They are all users. Get a counselor and a friend that can back you. Get your big panties on. You are better than this!! You can do this!! I am praying for you!!

  2. You might consider consulting an attorney so you get the proper payment and support you deserve. I wish you all the best.

    1. You mentioned “earlier in the week it was perfect…” yet a stranger who had just read your description of the history of the relationship, describing one rejection after another, his pandering to a raging and manipulative grown daughter…the universe has screamed at you to abdicate as his daughter’s whipping post…download a dozen descriptions of narcissism, I see red flags all over this.

  3. I agree run as fast as you can. Signs were all there now they are coming true. Run. Get what you can cash in honeymoon and go. Sorry but it is always going to be this way if you dont. Bet you leave he begs you again be smart with your heart and don’t go back. Daughter is just using you and hes her puppet

  4. I agree with Magic. It’s quite clear what the answer is and even if it’s hard get out. It’s not your job to get her to like you. He’s the one that needs to not put up with his daughter’s behavior.
    Get out now!

  5. I would get every penny you can get from him (by whatever means) even if he begs you again to go back to him and then dump him. He’s as bad as his selfish daughter. Good luck with the rest of your Life. Oh!go on the honeymoon otherwise he’ll probably give it to the daughter to go on.

  6. Wow, she has been pulling daddy’s strings for so long it’s a wonder he can go to the bathroom on his own! Look, you don’t deserve this treatment, but as long as you will put up with their behavior you will be captive on this hamster wheel. Only you can decide to jump off and run for your life. Free yourself from these toxic people.

      1. Lesson learned. He has done you a favor. Your marriage would be hell. Go on the honeymoon. Have fun. But take it for what it is. Use the time living there to get backbon your feet. Then RUN done walk as far as you can get from them. They’re toxic.

      2. this has been a pattern from the beginning and will not change… run dont walk to the door and start to rebuild your life… so sorry that this ungrateful daughter has been allowed to have such a negative effect on your life! Sadly, her father is not strong enough to take a stand with her.

  7. Nothing is ever easy in these circumstances but have faith in your abilities and move on as soon as you can, if you have a good old friend, ask if you can stay with her for a short period and then get a job so that you can look after yourself. You really dont need these people in your life, and good luck for the future, it is bound to be better without them…

    1. I agree with everyone here. Sadly. Folks don’t change, what you are looking at today is what you will be looking at for the rest of your life. Having said that, don’t move out yet. Possession is 9/10th of the law. Technically, it’s half yours as you have contributed. Maybe move into the guest room but stay in the house. Get good solid legal advice on your options, maybe two opinions even. As you are getting on (sorry) and disabled, this is your one kick at the cat to get the split right so you end up with something out of it. Hugs, this is hard. Very hard. Chin up, you can do this

  8. Get out ASAP. I agree with KR. I’d see an attorney. I hope you it all turns out well for you. Never Ever go back. You don’t need it.

  9. Tell him you want a cash settlement to get you out ( big one ) to help you get back on your feet
    Stand strong stand tall be in charge and then move on with a light heart and a smile for God has your back 💝

  10. If she has not learned respect while being in the military, she never will. Break ties and start over. I sympathize with you. I had to walk away from the love of my life because of his controlling sister. I regained my self worth and found happiness again. I wish you well.

  11. Narcissist!! Daughter is only thing he wants!! Pinterest even has articles on this. Please read, then sue his butt!!

    1. Yup, get a lawyer. You said you sold your car, furniture, did you own a house and sell it too? What did you do with the moneys from those sales? If you put it into buying new furniture, $ towards his house he built, or his car, you are entitled to recover those $. Get your documentation …. receipts, bank statements, any text msgs , emails , that show you put your $ towards helping buy his car, house, furniture…… I pray God shows you the bright future you will have and deserve.

    2. Have you asked ” why doesn’t she like me ” ….maybe talking it through will help him to see how unreasonable she is being. If at all else, move out, get a place of your own. Relationships can go either way, try not to be the one to give up everything. A tough lesson to go through. Best of luck , believe in yourself….you will get through this.

  12. The only therapy I would advise for you would be from your lawyer. Both father and daughter have shown that they believe love can be bought- it is working well for them. Unless you want to continue to devalue your own self worth, I advice you to get a lawyer to see what moneys you can get from the situation. You don’t have to be greedy but make sure you come out on the winning side this time. I will give you a warning that even afterward one or both will eventually try to make nice again I have yet to see in the Bible where it says, Thou shalt be a doormat. You tried, it didn’t work. Put yourself first from now on, you are worth it. I will be praying for your success.

  13. As painful as it is, it’s your wake up call. Being disabled myself, I know it can be more difficult to move on physically. But you must……..
    Get help moving forward, be it family, friends, social services, put one foot in front of the other and each attempt becomes easier than the previous.
    This is a toxic relationship, move quickly or soon you’ll be homeless if his daughter has her way. But remember, Karma is a b**** and she will reap what she sews.
    Bless you friend, good luck.

  14. Talk this out with God and ask for his help. If you had been hanging out with God, you wouldn’t have gotten into this mess. God keeps us from these types of situations if we listen to him. It’s never too late, and despite what we get ourselves into, he is always willing to help anyone who cries out to him.

    1. Please don’t judge her.. she has enough pain. Her faith is hers alone. She doesn’t need yours too.

    2. Are you kidding? “If you would have been hanging out with God this would have never happened.” How incredibly rude and how dare you judge her!
      Bad things happen to good people and the want and need for love is very powerful. Even people who hang out with God are duped. It’s called evil and sometimes evil clouds our eyes. So sit on your high horse and say that again.
      What gives you the right to give such advice?

    3. Don’t blame her for “not listening to God.” Blame and shame never helps anyone. Her faith and her Church can help her right now, both emotionally and physically. Love and prayers to you… Like the others have said, it’s over.

    4. Don’t “kick a man when he is down” comes to mind reading giddalti’s comment. As they say, “Hindsight is 20/20.” Despite “hanging out with God,” most people have found themselves in hard circumstances before.
      ***Dear dumbfounded, pray for a humble spirit & for God to soften the man’s heart to be favorable towards you, then get the heck outta dodge!

      1. This might be an issue if this girl was a young child living with her dad. She sounds like a bully and I know people choose the bully’s side frequently so they don’t find themselves against the bully. When she marries and has a family she’ll lose interest in her dads life and he’ll be alone.

  15. I feel so badly for you, but sorry to say, this has been so noticeable from the beginning. If you could go back you should have never gotten mixed up with him and his daughter. But, you can’t so you must start from here to break the ties you have with him, turn and run the other way as quickly as you can. Do not go on the honeymoon with him. Just looks like everything is o.k. with you. Prayers coming your way and good luck as you continue on. God bless!!

    1. Your plans can turn around if you go on the hunnymoon
      With him put him at an ultimatum, he’ll always have his daughter, but he has only has one you!
      Do what you must, but be viglent and start saving the money and get your own car, again!
      Or start as the women and people say!
      It’s your move! USE IT SMARTLY!!

  16. “What you allow is what will continue.” Blood is thicker than anything. I hope you will take the advice of all these smart women and save yourself.

  17. It’s difficult enough as we grow older to find that ” perfect” mate. If theres controlling family involved it can spell disaster. My soon to be x ( 2nd marriage) sister was the culprit I’m my case. We got along great fir several years. Then when she couldn’t control things, she became someone I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy..she had a heavy hand in the dissolution of my marriage, and my husband turned a blind eye to it. Broke my heart, but I had to move on. I wish u the best..without him

  18. He has to put you and the marriage as a priority or it will only be a nightmare for you for the rest of your life. Apparently, it seems like he goes back and forth from you and his daughter. They apparently have not cut the emotional cord. It is a very unhealthy situation for you. He will not be able to give you himself completely and the daughter will always be pulling the strings in your relationship. This will not stop until he gets his priorities straight. Calling off the wedding because of his daughters wishes does not look like there’s even a chance of this happening. If he’s a Christian and has a relationship with God, then it is possible. Without God in his life, I do not see him putting your relationship as a priority and therefore you will be miserable for the rest of your life. It’s so sad what they did to you in the area of your finances, home, future security. Try to get yourself stable again and never let anybody do that to you again. God is with you and he understands. Blessings.

  19. Take that money from the “honeymoon” and use it to move out! I’d make sure to get some money from him to help pay you back for the money that you used when you sold your stuff.

    1. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. This man is not ready to have a relationship with you. His relationship with his adult daughter would have made your life miserable. I would recommend that you get as much money as you can from him to reimburse you for what you lost-may be even consider consulting a lawyer. But if a man can’t choose you over his adult daughter, that’s not the man you want to be married to.

  20. I strongly believe they both have using her for there own benifits and now dump her when no need anymore.i feel s sorry for her

    1. he should pay to set you up in a new place & give you some excess money. consider yourself lucky at this point. sad but pathetic that he is letting his grown daughter control him. it will not change.
      good luck!

  21. Love can really be blind…they write songs with that theme. You have given them more than enough time and opportunity to prove themselves. When people show you who they are…believe them. What everyone else has said is good. It’s hard, but you need to move on. If he is half the man you think he is, he will help you get on your feet again. You are owed it.

    1. One he will always be alone bcuz his daughter doesn’t care about his happiness. 2 You never should risk ur independence. 3 Always have a savings that will allow u to leave. 4 Move on he is not a Man he is a Punk! I will be praying for you. God Bless

  22. I’m so sorry for you. Get a lawyer and 8f you can’t afford one, go to legal aid or elder care aid. You should get everything back that you’ve put in, since you had the expectation of a marriage and life with this man. Essentially, he has broken a contract with you. Lots of good luck and one step at a time.

    1. When he let the daughter exclude from the Birthday dinner HE PAID for, should have been a big red flag. Daughter comes first. Any time a daughter can manipulate a parent the new girlfriend or boyfriend needs to run. If a person will not stand up for you while dating, they never will. Joint bank account– clean it out. Anything of value take it and sell it.
      If he has a car paid off, trick him into signing it over to you. Sign yours to him.

      I left my home, my car for a jerk, but it was his sister. And he was cheating with the ex that the sister liked. I started over on disability income. It was hard. No car, I walked to the closest church and closest store. I bummed rides to doctors appointments, but I did it with minimal help from family.

      1. Thats such bad advise …dont rip him off or trick him into anything. Ask for what you have lost due to the relationship and move on. If he wont freely repay then sue.

        1. I agree with this. Its going to be very difficult to stay there with him and finanacially improbable to leave. Tell him you want enough money for deposit and first months rent on another place. He at least owes you that much. If he refuses, go to Legal Aid and sue him for it. Its the only tenable way out of the situation with this spineless jellyfish louse.
          Good luck to you

  23. I NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW MATURE WOMEN, WHEN THEY ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP THINK THEY NEED TO GIVE OF THEIR MONEY. YOU BOTH HAD GOOD LIFE LIVING ALONE. IF HE’S THE MAN HE SHOULD BE IF HE REALLY CARED YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY AND HE WOULD HAVE NEVER TAKEN ANY MONEY FOR HER WEDDING, OR ALLOWED YOU TO REDO HER APARTMENT. IF HE PARTS WITH ANY OF HIS MONEY HE OWES YOU.(not that he has to)Take it and run. NO LOOKING BACK DON’T TAKE ANY OF HIS PHONE CALLS IF YOU HAPPEN TO RUN INTO HIM be polite, EXCUSE YOURSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE his daughter’s a brat and he allowed her to be. The ARMY will teach her.

    1. Please refrain from typing in all caps–it looks as if you are yelling at the person who are responding to.

      1. You need to understand that some people have to do that to even be able to see what they have typed. I have had multiple eye surgeries and so I know. You did say please, but just saying.

  24. Don’t blame her for “not listening to God.” Blame and shame never helps anyone. Her faith and her Church can help her right now, both emotionally and physically. Love and prayers to you… Like the others have said, it’s over.

    1. I feel very sorry for you but at least you found out before marrying him. My take, I blame him for not standing up for you. True love doesn’t allow intruders to kill a relationship. His daughter seems to be very selfish but he lives with you not her. I wish you the very best, move out and go on with your life. God bless you.

      1. Get away and stay away. Its abnormal for an able bodied grown man to allow his grown child to call the shots in his life…but unless you want her to call the shots in your life take heed and hire an attorney to recoup some of your losses. He is wrong…and will bealoneso long as his petulant child has any say so…

    2. He sounds too flaky to me. I’d cut my losses and move on. I’m hopeful there is something you can do to get well rid of him and his miserable family. If this year has taught me anything it’s life is too short to suffer through. Best of luck to you.

    1. It will never change except to get worse. You only matter to her when you are doing for her. Get whatever you can from him and dont waste any more of your life.

  25. My sister was in a horrid marriage for almost 20 yrs where her hubby had control of everything and constantly put her down. She finally had a breakdown and left. Months later after recovering, she had her own unit, car etc and was really happy. Then she met another man with a an 8 yr old daughter. He flattered her, wined and dined her and they ended up married. She has now had 20 yrs of the daughter pulling all the strings. Anything the daughter wanted, she got. He even took his grown-up daughter to look at houses with him when my sister was at work. He had to get a bigger house because he ex got a new house. They are in huge debt because he is a spender, always has to have the latest gadget, uses it for a week then it goes in the shed. At least 4 new cars every yr for him and my sister has had one the whole time. He even bought his daughter a house to rent from them because she had trouble with private rentals as she is a slob and does not care for anything but herself. The daughter now has 4 kids of her own (and is a rotten parent). The daughter got all new windows, new kitchen, new flooring, painted throughout etc etc. The house my sister is in has half finished jobs everywhere. My sister is trapped, her body is wearing out and she is too frightened to leave as he has a foul temper if he is crossed. Don’t be like her, it will NEVER, EVER change! He will ALWAYS put his ‘princess’ first.
    GET OUT – even if it means starting with very little and get yourself a lawyer!

    1. I had a friend that let his teenage daughters run his fiance off. Shameful because he didn’t lay down the law. He married someone else and it didn’t last because the daughters didn’t want to share him. May the same happen to them someday.

  26. I’m in the same damn boat- only he has 2 adult sons milking him for everything! We can’t have nice things because he pays THEIR debts! I’m stockpiling my money & moving ON!! Praying for you Sister!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

    1. I went through a very similar situation about 20 years ago. I personally feel that since his inability to keep an implied promise has left you in an untenable situation ( meaning does he really expect you to share a home with him and have a happy and fulfilling life?) That this should become a matter for palimony. You have seriously been taken for a ride and you deserve compensation for it. Please do not despair. When a similar situation happened to me I wrote off love, but the great love of my life came along after that.

      1. Great advice! At least a settlement to get you back to your former situation! There is such a thing as breach of contract! He broke it off….he should pay to get you started!

      2. I learned pretty quickly that when you marry – you marry his family too. Move on – this will only get worse. I would ask him to reimburse you for your monetary losses since he breeched his marriage contract with you.

  27. Sadly we make the mistake of sacrificing everything for the MAN…get out and never look back…don’t know your age…but better to have let him go…value who you are..

    1. Never make someone a prority in your life when you are not a priority in theirs. If you cant afford to move, work out a roommate agreement and start saving money to move out.

      1. He has done this twice if I read correctly- even if he comes to his senses and wants you back – he’ll more than likely do it again. But to answer your question- if you can live there- don’t marry. He doesn’t want to be led on either. Let him pay to move you out if he isn’t happy with situation. If he changes his mind (like most do …). Tell him it’s your marriage, his marriage – your life, his life … not his daughter’s. You need him to commit to you and him, that or pay to move you out. I understand allegation to a child- but if he is wanting to move on to a wife and happiness – a wife is going to give him something a child never can. A child can never make him happy as a wife.

    2. Wow! Yes, ask him for a sum of money that allows you to leave. Make sure it is enough. No matter what he says or how badly you feel, get out of there. The daughter has all the power and you have none. Never settle for this. Do not stay connected to him or this family. No one has your best interests at heart. Skip feeling like a victim. I don’t blame you for feeling you could trust his intentions. Stop talking to the daughter. Stop talking to him. Just leave…now. You will figure it out. But not by wasting your time and your life!

  28. He did you a favor by telling you this BEFORE you got married…do yourself a HUGE favor…mentally, emotionally and physically…MOVE on…I wish you the best of luck…prayers that things turn out best for you~

  29. A lady who had been married to a guy like him. He’s a total deadbeat, she supports him. It’s too expensive to divorce him. She saw my circumstances because of a male I was in a long term relationship with. I was not married to him.
    So she had a talk with me. She told me that if I wait to leave him I would be stuck supporting him for the rest of his life.
    This is very similar. Leave him. It won’t get better. He won’t change his attitude nor will he make an effort to get his daughter to be more accepting of you.

  30. You are supposed to be the love of his life, his forever for the rest of his days. He’s choosing his manipulative child over you. He has no backbone. Get a man who adores you and will let nothing and no one stand in the way of your future happiness. Happy wife, happy life.

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