Have I Failed Them

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ByGreyFeathers
April 15, 2021

“I have two sons, 40ish, gainfully employed, but who binge-drink every weekend. Their father came from a family of male drinkers who wouldn’t stop until the beer was gone…

Their dad was emotionally abusive to us and we divorced. He has never been an interested, loving parent to them, choosing, instead to build a fortune. Luckily, neither son has kids.

Here is my problem: every night I awaken to thoughts of future medical issues, even death, for them due to the alcohol abuse. I’m terrified in advance for them and personally I feel like I’ve failed them. At a time in my life when I’d like to be peaceful and happy in retirement, I torment myself with fears, hoping I die long before them so I don’t have to grieve their demise. The three of us have a good rapport, but they brush me off when I point out how destructive their behavior is. I am mired in regrets about my life. Any feedback would be appreciated.” -Anonymous

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Hi, I am glad you stumbled upon my little blog. My name is Helena, a wife ,a mother of four, and the creator of Greyfeathers.com. I hope you enjoy the community we have built, together.

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GreyFeathers

1 years ago

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(Except I never went out in the streets with a mask. Maybe it means out in the community.) All the luxuries are the things we take for granted until they are gone that make us feel warm and loved and safe and fed. I am so thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, family and friends that warm my heart with love, and for the love and provision of God. His mercy never fails. 🙌🏼❤️

And yet the writer is mourning what they no longer have instead of enjoying what they have on this day, in this moment. A cup of coffee and a pen and paper, or a computer to write on. Electricity and running water to make the coffee. A mind that still thinks clearly enough to ponder ( and to praise). I will get personal now and say: many people think the recent pandemic was the worst medical problem and the restrictions a great upheaval. But multitudes of invisible ( women) people have been suffering quietly with little to no affective medical treatment for decades. Many see this post as a prayer of gratitude, I see a lament and a whine.

Perfectly said. While I can appreciate the value system I was taught to have, it was exactly like this. But now I've determined what my own value system is.

I always knew that excellent health was a luxury and without your health and loved 9nes not much else matters.

So true! We should remind ourselves daily!

I so agree. The dictionary definition is something about extravagant living - to me luxury would be the little things - the blessings that are completely free

Luxury is loving yourself and enjoying people and places. Be grateful for the things you have. Use the nice things you have...don't put them away for "good."

Luxury is being the rich founder of this community and having your son alive and at home instead of sitting in jail after he murdered six people three months ago. #NoahGalleIsAMurderer

Didn't you give your son a new BMW that he was bragging about how fast he drove on social media and then murdered 6 innocent farmworkers going 151 MPH? You've got some real audacity posting this.

Well stated! The little things that are luxuries of life! A smile and kindness, etc. 💓

Oh yes! For me luxury is feeling good in my own skin. Appreciating having a home and the means to make it beautiful and comfortable. Its a small budget but covers my needs and occasionally my wants. When I snuggle all snug and warm into my cosy chair or my bed, then I feel luxurious. Its wonderful.

Luxury is the freedom that we have in this great country.

A little poem i wrote if i may..... entitled... Love is... Love is bitter ,love is sweet, loves a stranger you may meet, Love is powerful love is weak,Love can be silent, but sometimes speak, Love is feeble love is strong, Love is right, but sometimes wrong, Love can hurt and love can heal, Love can give and love can steal, Love is hidden, loves revealed, Love should be shown and not concealed, Love is pleasure, love is pain, Love can die,but live again, Love is you, and love is me... Love is here eternally.

Luxury for me is hearing the birds sing and watching my flowers bloom! #BLESSED.

Absolutely wwe must treasure all we have , family, health neighbor 🙏😊

Luxury is also the freedoms we once had that have been taken from us.

Luxury is living in peace with freedom

Absolutely! It really is the little things we take for granted❤️

Luxury is freedom and protection 🇺🇲

Who is they It’s how it’s interpreted We think for ourselves or we should be

Isn’t that the truth!? Love this and looking forward to seeing you, Girl, luxury is knowing You!❤️

I’ve always known what luxury was! And I’ve enjoyed it all my life!♥️

Ah, no, they are not "luxuries" they are blessings. Luxuries are "not essential," according to the dictionary. I beg to differ with this. Family is essential. Friends are essential. Fresh air is essential.

A good reminder for all of us. Thank you!

so true - the little things mean so much as we age - waking up - birds singing - sun shining - rain falling etc.

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GreyFeathers

1 years ago

You get more bees with honey. ... See MoreSee Less

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To my young girls: always be educated enough in some type of job so you will be able to take care of yourself financially. Never get caught in a bad relationship and not be able to afford to get out.

Done is better than perfect.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is NOT necessary to insert your opinion on everything.

My mom often told me, “the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do.”

I gave this advice to my daughter and she thinks it is pretty good! Listen to your intuition! If it feels "off" or wrong it probably is even if everything else says it should be okay. It is a gift we have to help keep us safe - pay attention to it!!!

My old dad (long passed away now) had 2 sayings "if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything" and "if you don't respect yourself why would anyone else?" He brought up 8 young children on his own when our mother died after youngest was born. Love and miss you Dad x

If you are a “giver” learn your limits … because the “takers” have none. & always be 5 mins early to everything. To be late ⏰ means you don’t value peoples time as much as your own.

My dad told me growing up , pick a career where you can totally support yourself. Do not get in a position where you become dependent financially on someone else. That someone else might someday be gone! Sound advice ladies!

Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself and be kind to animals

My dad always told me "When in doubt - don't" and this has helped me with many situations. And mine is "Sometimes good enough is good enough, perfection is overrated."

Always told my daughter when she was young, never stare at a person who is handicap in anyway. My mother taught my sister and I that when we were little.

My father taught me how to shake hands. Respectful, firm, and look them in the eye. Always remember this everytime I shake hands.

If something looks too good to be true, it usually is.

My dad told me when driving expect that everyone around you will do the wrong thing and that I should always be ready for it. Thinking this way saved my life countless times on the road.

Always listen to your gut. It doesn’t steer you wrong. I have always told my kids this. If it feels wrong it usually is.

Dip your bread in the gravy, and save the meat for your old man. I have NO idea what that means. My father used to say this. I'm still stumped.

Always “hold a space” be present without judging. Donate your ears and heart without wanting anything in return. Have empathy and compassion ❤️

Always smile, it makes you feel better even when things are crap and makes other people wonder what you are up to!!!

Always treat people with kindness and respect!!!! And always be kind to all animals, they are the kind of animals who give back so much ❤

Life happens , embrace it, endure it, learn from it, respect it , be grateful with it.......mostly live it.

This is one I learned as a teenager. You have a very small number of people in your life who care about your well being in any sense. Nurture those relationships. Other people come and go, and you should let them.

Life happens…..be strong. Compassion & soul are what keeps me going.❤️❤️🌷🌷🌷

If your father has a pet name for you, and you're a teen, don't tell him not to call you that anymore. You might break his heart. And someday you might wish he called you that again, but he might never do it.

Love yourself fully. Every little wrinkle every little pound. There is no one like you. You are unique and worth celebrating!

My dad always said “ it’ll all come out in the wash” his way of saying let go…. And let it be…it usually works it self out…worrying about it will not change the outcome…..I put it on his grave stone when he passed..

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GreyFeathers

1 years ago

Thank you Charlotte!A friend posted this on my page and I think it is worthy of thought. ... See MoreSee Less

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Growing old is a privilege and should be celebrated as a blessing. My Mom passed at 39. I didn't expect to make 40 and have happily embraced every year that I have been given. At 67 I don't care whether society considers me, young, middle aged or old, I am just happy to still be above ground.

I am great full for every birthday but it’s good to know I am middle aged again

You r only as old as u feel. If you have your “ marbles” and are still active mentally n physically, don’t worry about a number. My mum lived to 100 n 6 months and was very active n with it. She had a great life. I’ve seen people in their sixties who have a dreadful life. Either with dimentia or curled up as the result of a stroke . I’m 74, feel no different to when I was 50 n feel very grateful for every day n good health.

Nice to be young. Though I've never felt my age. Always have felt younger.

🤪😂😂 so I’m still a young person for 12 months ❤️❤️

I love this and I'm 80 years old. I cooked and baked yesterday so family could celebrate Easter. I walk my dog, I run around, do my own shopping, still drive and the the list is never ending.

ONLY AS OLD AS YOU FEEL! keep young at heart.

I’m right in line with the WHO. And I’m thankful for every year I’ve got.

It would be nice if 79 was still middle aged, but that would make ones life expectancy 158 yrs .

I’m very healthy, im 69. Age is just a number. I look younger

And God gave us 120 years…. 🥰👍

I can't put myself, my kids and 1 grandson in the same category lol.

I feel young most of the time.

I'm in my young age.

I don’t like being pigeonholed. Numbers don’t tell the whole story. Physical and mental health, and personal temperament play a huge part in these definitions. I know folks who are old at 35 and people who are incredibly youthful at 80.

Ha! Tell that to my bones. Mentally, I feel like I’m in my 40’s, but my body reminds me - I’m not.

When one parent lives to 96, 65 is a youngin !!💞

Middle aged sounds good to me!!!

Yes I’m still young at 53

Being 70,I feel that I am in the infancy of the remainder of my life.I do not think I am old because God needs me to do His work in the coming years.

Me to i dont feel my age

I still feel like a kid and I will be 60 this year

Middle aged, good idea!!

My grandson announced, whilst we were at Lego land sprinting towards our next ride, that I wasn't old until I was over 70 and then I'd be classes as elderly! I thought that was lovely 🥰

I’m still in my youth!!

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GreyFeathers

1 years ago

“Over The Top.
I know here at GreyFeathers I will get great advice.
My sweet granddaughter and her new baby came to visit this past weekend. She's a great mother to her little one. Please excuse me for not sharing gender. She is married to a male person I truly believe to be dangerous.
He does odd things he wants them to have multiple sex partners all at once I believe he convinced her to do it. She is a beautiful woman she has low self-worth stemming from childhood. This is so hard for me, so please hang in; I'm desperate and ashamed I feel guilty to a point. Some of this I just learned about. She has two sisters who were all sexually abused by their father’s dad (my ex-husband of 55 years). Not only that, but I feel their mother and father were no help. The mother made them watch porn movies and their father was a drunk and made them drink with him.
Their Parents have moved on with their lives. So, she is married to this creep he controls her totally. They live in his grandfather's house he won't move out. She is not allowed to go anywhere without him. This guy never sits down he's on the move constantly. Example: we came home from dinner Saturday about 6:30 he told her he needed to go get gas and didn't return until 1am. He just disappeared. He does this for hours every day. He has a thing with porn sites and getting hooked up with other women She has caught him. Plus, he snoops in things that don't belong to him. He went snooping at a flea market in the middle of the night peeking in windows. He will not let her feed the baby baby food. The baby is well old enough to do so. The baby is clearly not satisfied with just mother’s milk. We gave the baby about a teaspoon of prune and a teaspoon of sweet potatoes the baby loved them. Baby’s gassy tummy was gone went to sleep for three hours and was happy. I caught him chastising her for it; his face was like a demon he saw me and instantly changed. I'm a tough old bird and glared at him. Bottom line I believe this guy is dangerous very dangerous I'm afraid for her and the baby. Please if you can help. She feels worthless. I have talked to her and discussed these things to no avail. I think it's a matter of time before he hurts them." -Anonymous ... See MoreSee Less

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Stay supportive no matter what. Let her know you love her and offer her a place to live. Then just let her know it's her choice. The important thing is to just tell her it's available if she needs it. Then continue to offer support. She has to decide on her own . Pray alot. Continue to visit. She will find her strength and back bone one day. She needs to feel it's her decision.

I’m so sorry. My thoughts would be. She needs to do the best for the safety of her and her babies. I wish you all safety love and prayers. She definitely deserves better.

Reassure her shes a great mum, lovely granddaughter and how much you love her. Let her know she always has a home with you. Don't push her too hard otherwise he might isolate her from you. If you report them to FACS or whatever it is where you live don't report it in your name. Just in case it gets back to him. Pray. God bless.⭐🦘

Oh my my,I feel your pain, whenever a love one is in such situation it's heartbreaking. Stay kind and strong for her.let her know that you have her back and would be there for her. She's blessed to have you.

The best way to eat an elephant 🐘 is one bite at a time but she will continue to choose men like this until she is healed. Praying for her and everyone.

This sounds a lot like my story. Letting her know she has somewhere to go is huge and your continuous love and support also. ultimately she will have to decide when she’s had enough . Prayers for you and your family. I will pray for y’all ❤️🙏

I was in a very abusive relationship & SHE must want to leave before anything can change. Love her & keep telling her of her options, when she feels strong enough I hope she leaves. So glad I did... but you don't know how awful it is till you're on the outside looking back at it. 💜🙏💜

Father, please wrap the white light of the Holy spirit around this young lady and her child. Please open her heart and mind to see that she needs to leave. Please make a safe way for that to happen. Amen!

First, you can't make her do anything until she is ready. Just support her however she needs. Second, find support group for yourself. You will learn a lot. Third, let her know she has options, but only real doable options. Praying for you all.

I am so sorry your granddaughter, great grandchild, and you are going though this horrid situation. Praying for all of you during this difficult time.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. The most important thing right now is the baby who is helpless. If you feel the baby is in danger in anyway please contact children services to make a visit. In the meantime continue loving your granddaughter with much kindness and hopefully she will come to her senses and make an exit from this character

All you can really do is be there for her. Make sure she knows you'll support her no matter what she decides. Maybe try spending more time with her and talking to her each time.

A lot going on here and must be hugely overwhelming for you and your granddaughter! You need to prioritise each issue, which is health & safety and which are life choices. Discuss with her what she wants to change and what needs to be changed. Confirm for her that you have her back !You my friend have a duty of care for the vulnerable child and must act accordingly. ❤️

The most important thing right now is for your granddaughter to know she has your support. Good to know that you are 'a tough old broad'. You will need that toughness in the future. Please take care of yourself too.🙏❤

The legal system cannot and will not get involved until he hurts the child or your grand daughter. Sad but true. Give her a safe place when she needs it. It is our penance to remain quiet even knowing the outcome. Sending prayers for you and your granddaughter and baby.

Like reading from MY OWN LIFE STORY .. She has to want to leave . But to also have support if she does . CHANGE is very hard in these situations 😪

She is in an abusive relationship. She needs to leave and get counseling. Can she stay with you if she leaves him? Please look for help in your or her area, the baby cannot grow up this way.

These situations are so sad 😞. And there are so many of them.....prayers for her...

Use tough love an call child services now. There is a way for her an if you start a process 1st an For most then hopefully it will put everything an everyone in prospective situations. Sending prayers it starts with you making her situations different she's too caught up in this so IL be sending you lots of motivation here to do so. Prayers an 🤗

Unfortunately, she has to want to remove herself and her child from this relationship. You can't do it for her. You can tell her of your misgivings, but it may cause her to avoid you. You have to keep lines of communication open, though. Just keep praying that she'll learn what a creep he is. I understand your pain and anguish from firsthand experience. Stay strong and don't give up! ❤

PRAY AND SUPPORT HER AND THE BABY!! BE HER REFUGE WHEN SHE'S READY!!

Father God in Jesus almighty name I pray for a hedge of protection over this mother and child make a way Lord in Jesus almighty name. Amen

Sending healing prayers 🌸🙏

This is so complicated because of the abuse and quite frankly trauma induced mental illness. Thankfully she has you, however, I caution you, if you push too hard she will be gone forever. If you ever feel that baby is in real danger he/she is the one you need to focus on. Hopefully the child hasn't already seen too much. As far as your granddaughter, offer her everything she needs, food, shelter, a cab ride - sometimes the only barrier to leaving is not knowing how or where to go. Give her access to everything she needs to break from it, but the sad truth is from her background, this is love to her. Sick and twisted for sure, but it is what her primary care givers taught her and she associates it with nurture. I am so sorry, but please keep your eyes on that baby. First sight it's underweight or exposed to sick things...call CPS. You have to. Please find someone you can trust as well like a minister. You need someone to talk to.

Hope she leaves him so that her and her baby have a better life. Xx

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GreyFeathers

1 years ago

Anonymous asks, “What do you do when you do a lot to help and make big problems ok for others and then are unappreciated over and over?” ... See MoreSee Less

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Sometimes you find out that what you thought was a deeper friendship is really all one-way. It's hurtful but you have to acknowledge it and stop being so available. Find people who care as much for you as you do for them.

Honestly- move on. There are takers and givers. And the givers will burn out if overused! The takers NEVER stop taking.

I have found what generally happens, your own giving well goes dry, we all need something back to refill that well, not being selfish just what happens to givers! Take some time for you away from helping others doing what gives you pleasure and after awhile you will find yourself able to give again without feeling drained or resentful. And the hardest thing for a giver to do, is receive, it feels uncomfortable, but that is part of a healthy balanced life! I wish you the very best

Do a few nice things for yourself and don’t go back for seconds - I know you may not want accolades but maybe there is something in “Once bitten twice shy”sometimes people need to experience the stress of what they have created to actually stop creating chaos from their decisions and actions

You need to step back !! I have started stepping back within the past year . No is the biggest word in the vocabulary for Me . I have Prayed for strength for Me and whom ever. It has been working out.. one step at a time . I have more free time .

Time out for yourself, I think, but be prepared for people not understanding that. You have probably given of yourself for so long, that people don't realise that even someone of your strength needs bolstering up sometimes. Good luck and chill out

Do not do for others what they can and should do for themselves. When you do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves, you rob them of an opportunity to learn. They need that lesson more than you need to feel good!

Help given from the generosity of the heart seeks no gratitude. Ppl who r really in need of help n 've asked for it 'll usually appreciate any help they get. If we offer help without their asking, our help may not be appreciated.

I always ask myself first: am I doing this because I want to and it makes me feel good without expectations? Or, am I doing this with the expectation of receiving something in return? Once you have established which choice you are making, it helps put things in perspective. Don't change who you are but change your expectations about giving. This will help your well-being so much. I know, because I used to give with expectations but not anymore.

Are you doing things to be "appreciated"? If yes, then I think your motive may be the issue. If no, then do only those things you would do, regardless of recognition.

You can't change other people and if they aren't appreciative of your efforts, consider that maybe you're doing things that are not as important to them as you think they are. I've learned the hard way that what I think other people want/need is often VASTLY different from what they think. Also, no one owes us anything. Is it polite to say thank you? Yes, but it's not owed to us. Stop doing those things until/unless you are asked to do them, and even then consider YOUR expectations of the outcome. Are you doing it to be appreciated or can you let that go? If not, well, sorry to be harsh, but maybe an ego check is needed. Just love them and walk on. Good luck!!

The question is, or should be, “Do I do these things out of a pure desire to help others or, do I do them in hopes of recognition and accolades?” If the answer is the former, then keep helping. If the later? Well, we set ourselves up for disappointment when we look for praise in all we do. Maybe we should all learn to feel good in the helpful act without the pat on the back or the “yay, you participated” trophy.

You have to give yourself permission to decide what you allow others to expect from you! I recommend Cody Evans’ book I'm Setting Healthy Boundaries (There’s more to the title, but it has an ugly word in it). Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you are unkind. It actually is an act of self-kindness. Tell the moochers that you’re flattered that they thought of you, but you don’t think you’re the right person for the job. Otherwise, those people have a tendency to develop the attitude of “You’ve already done so much, but now I need more from you”!

If you are feeling used, stop, if it's becoming a habit that they come to you rather than sort it out themselves, stop. Just pull back for a while...they won't like it..but you possibly need to set some new boundaries, good luck 🌻

Turn the other cheek! You are doing it for the right reasons if you expect nothing at all. God Bless!!

That's a tough one, are you helping to always be thanked. Unfortunately there are the givers and the takers in the world. After giving without getting anything in return, you might want to stop or find different friends, that are more like you.💗

Some of us are natural givers or problem solvers if we have the ability to help those in need. But you must remember if your choice is to give or fix it then it's from your heart and not because you're expecting a reward in return from the one's your helping. If your generosity is actually enabling the receiver to keep making bad choices or be responsible then time to say no to them. I live by the rule don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing to keep myself from falling into that expectation for gratification from others is required. Don't fall into the attitude that if you don't fix thing's who else will get it done because you could be either enabling them or robbing someone else to be a blessing to the person. I give when I feel the urge it's the right thing to do and once I have done it I move on & don't look back. If your feeling is unappreciated then perhaps your actions are directed more by a repetitive role with an individual that's actually dependent upon you to solve their problems so they don't have to grow up & be responsible.

That is part of being a giver. You don't give and do for others to get something in return. A giver doesn't give with the expectation of being rewarded...doing good things IS the reward.

Stop doing it. You cannot make anyone appreciate. They've either got it or they don't. Distance it all.

Just stop doing it! Sometimes folks don’t miss the water till the well runs dry! Other people will take the life right outta you. Put you 1st and they will be fine! Blessings!🥰🙏🥰

You continue to LOVE and help others WITHOUT the thought of receiving in return, because that is what TRUE LOVING OTHERS is all about. We don't love and help others to look for rewards, we do it because that is what we are created to do. However, you must fully LOVE YOURSELF in order to have that kind of love to share with others!! So check to see how much you love yourself!! :-)

I read yesterday (Atlas of the Heart, Brene' Brown) that resentment can come from bad boundries or poorly communicated expectations. It sounds like you are not being appreciated in the way you need or expected to be. The ownness is on you to explore what you need in these exchanges and express it -- or do less if you end up with negative feelings.

Let them know they have the tools to take care of it on their own. Step back. Then think in your head, not my circus, not my monkey. Also, if something goes wrong, they’ll blame you.

Some people are takers and some are givers. I choose to be a giver but have learned how to protect and care myself! 🌹

I don't know, I see it in many ways especially when it comes to family. what I do know is that I don't really want to change that part of me as I like being able to help others when I can. . . .But I do need to learn to love myself more and back away when I need to.

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Have I Failed Them

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