Hiding and Denying

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“I’m 59 and been married to my husband for 40 years. We’ve had many ups and downs but at this stage in our lives I didn’t expect this…

I’ve found out that he has been texting another woman for quite a while. When I confronted him he says it doesn’t mean anything but the things they say are inappropriate and hurt me deeply. Now he just tries to hide it and deny it. What would you do?” -Anonymouw

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41 thoughts on “Hiding and Denying”

  1. Ask him to move out while you decide what you want. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Good luck, it will get better ! Xxx

  2. These comments really hit home. 27 years ago I was the one who was in an emotional “affair”. If my husband had not been forgiving and agreed to counseling we would have lost another 20+ years together. No…once a cheater, always a cheater is not real. I have loved and been very faithful from that time on. Thank God he didn’t throw me out the door.

    1. I’m the guilty one here. It’s ok to ask him to leave but please see a counselor and give it some time. We’ve had 20 years after the mistake I made.

  3. 20 years ago, it was me. I was the cheater. Texting and calling behind my husband’s back. Turned out, our relationship needed attention and help….for both of us. We were scared and unsure, so we sought counseling, both couples and individual, and after some time, we learned how to use our new emotional tools, we slowly built our trust back up and things are better. Not perfect, of course. But better. Also, “once a cheater, always a cheater”, is a LIE.

  4. Trust is the number 1 thing in a marriage, he is nothing but a cheater, liar. Nip it in the bud before he crushes your soul and leaves you feeling worthless. Does not matter whether you have been married for 1 year or 50, if he is sneaking around texting and hiding it, then it is time to say goodbye. No one deserves to be treated like that, the problem with your husband is he can see nothing wrong with it. Men are stupid and their brains are in their pants. Pack his things and send he off, it will be hard and upsetting, but it will be better for you and your mental state of mind. You will surprise yourself as to how strong you can be.

  5. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Does not mean physical contact right now but most certainly will lead to it. Say bye and change the locks on the house and have his clothing and essentials waiting for him outside the door so there in not reason for him to come in the house. Talk to an attorney and get the paperwork in the works. I have been through this and it is not worth it in the long run. You deserve to be happy, first and foremost.

  6. I experienced a similar situation. My husband ended up having a full-blown affair with his “friend” and it broke our marriage. To make a long story short, we are still together but our marriage will never be the same. Looking back I wish I’d divorced him. My advise would be to separate from him and make him fight for your marriage if he wants to keep it. He needs a serious wake up call and you need to make sure he doesn’t think he can get away with this kind of behavior if he wants to keep his marriage with you. PLEASE, don’t put up with this behavior! He will NEVER change if you do and if he thinks he can get away with it. Separate and get counseling. In your separation, make sure you seriously ponder whether or not he’s worth keeping. Broken trust is usually impossible to heal. Trust me, I know!

    1. I left mine., after 35 years of marriage. He never apologized for his behaviour and I knew that it wasn’t going to work for me by his lack of accountability! Glad I did!

      1. Have been on both sides of this fence..tigers don’t change their stripes..never trust him again. Now almost 70 and alone, 20 wasted years.

  7. It’s never just once. Show him the door. This is just going to get worse, and you might as well rip the band-aid off He’s being flattered by someone who doesn’t have to argue with him about the phone bill or ask him to fix stuff. She doesn’t have to do anything bt look good. Quit taking care of the SOB.

  8. This sounds very unkind to say: What are you waiting for? Sit down, take a deep breath and find a domestic attorney that will get you the best settlement you can. If he could have left he would have. This is the kind of mental games irresponsible, immature men in mid life crisis play. Don’t play. Network with women who understand what you are going through. You are waiting for him to make the next move. Don’t. You need a future plan. Get one. There is no ‘talking it out at this stage’ just the facts. Face them. You will be stronger because you have. I understand how you feel. Men like this expect you to crumble. Don’t. Get good advice and act on it.

  9. He is flattered as someone else has said ask him what if it was you sending and receiving texts? You are the only one who can decide what to do. I would pack his bag and send him to her. But you must be aware of the risk. She could be married as well and he’s her bit on the side. It’s the excitement. Please don’t be a doormat and let this situation carry on it will end up driving you into a nervous breakdown. If he won’t go don’t cook do his washing or sleep with him. Let him do it himself.

  10. We all need to keep our marriage alive and communicate. So ask yourself and him, what happened to us, did we just get lazy? Marriage only works if we both work at it, keep each other in front of us… It’s always exciting to get attention from someone new if we aren’t feeling confident in ourselves or in our relationship, before you loose what you had look at where it should be going, and not only hang on the history but look for a updated, loving future. Don’t be stale or stagnate. I realize he broke your trust, but let him know how you feel and see what he says. Talk!

  11. 40 years. This saddens me. 40 years. How would he feel if you had a man texting you? It is not ok. He broke your trust and as far as I know he will never get that back. Every time he picks up that phone or is not with you, you will wonder who he is talking too or with. We are living in the end times. Nothing is sacred. My heart hurts for you.

  12. He has checked out. His next step will be hot exciting sex. It’s that “don’t get caught thing” that adds spice. So sorry but it he doesn’t get rid of her, you are gone….

    1. I’m so sorry. You’ll never feel the same about hum, trust has been broken. Go to counseling with or without him. It’s not YOUR fault, it’s his.

  13. Regardless of physical contact or not , it is a betrayal to you and the vows you have made to each other . What you choose to do about it is your business and yours only – Sometimes it takes a while for us to decide how we feel about it and what to do about it . But recognize it for what it is . Betrayal

    1. I went thru that. It was devastating. I thought we were so happy. The worst part he even had her photo on his desktop I saw it and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. He said he was not doing it yet I have the text in black and white and I checked our usage for our cell phones . He was texting and calling her 24 hrs away. Yet if I texted him he told me it cost money so do not text. We have been working thru this since Feb, 25, 2017 it is still causing problems he blames me excepts no responsibility. The pain is unbearable and I think he is doing it again.

  14. Go to a marriage counselor for starters, also, insist that he stop the relationship with the friend. I would not throw out the baby with the bath water, but I would take a long hard look at my life. Many marriages have survived affairs, yours can too, but only if you both work at it. Good luck and God bless.

  15. Certainly do not tolerate his behavior. The worst part is the lying, it is so insulting to your intelligence.
    If it were me, I would tell him it stops immediately or he won’t need to text her he can talk to her in person all he wants! I don’t mean to sound insensitive, life experience has taught me to tolerate nothing but mutual respect from the man I love. I hope everything turns out in the best possible way for you❤️

  16. Do not settle for this behavior. No matter how long you’ve been together.

    He knows your not going anywhere. Prove him wrong. Take back yourself respect. It’s time…


  17. Sometimes these blokes need a good kick in the arse. Sorry about the language. But so do us Women as well, I would see a relationship
    Psychologist or something like that. They can hear both sides of the coin then. Did not do that myself.

    1. Your husband as left your marriage, physically and mentally. You have given him many years of yourself while making sacrifices and this is how he treats you. Straighten out your Tiara, you don’t need a man or anyone else to define you. Put his bag on the floor and tell him to pack a few things then have him text this woman who means nothing to him and tell her he is on his way.

      1. I like the last reply. If this is something you can live with, like trusting him from now on, then stay. If not move on and start your own life. Always respect yourself. Also, be true to yourself. If a marriage can be saved then save it. After all it was till death do us part. Personally I would pack his bags and send him to her.

    2. So sorry but it’s time to go..I know it hurts so bad that you can’t breath but it’s not going to get better and life is too short..find yourself some happiness..

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