Intimacy

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Anonymous wants your advice:

“Married for 40 years. Stopped being intimate eight years ago due to menopause and all that comes with it. Husband is having difficulty raising to the occasion and me not caring to have any because it was never good in the past nor is it any better in the present.

Last time we attempted to be intimate I was told not to tell him what to do; though it was my body he was touching.

We do love and care for each other but the bedroom is out of the question. Can’t talk about because I will only get him upset and then will not be talked to for weeks”

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24 thoughts on “Intimacy”

  1. Every couple has their own dynamics regarding sex. If your sex life was wow to begin with it will possibly not change all that much when menopause hits, except for getting help regarding physical obstacles like pain and dryness. If your sex life was never too stellar, as mine was not, sometimes the new relationship that develops is totally satisfactory to both – and that can mean many things: no sex, different bedrooms, etc. What is important is being ok with whatever is decided.

    1. My husband and I had an amazing intimacy…. but when I was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis well he s afraid he will hurt me. It gives him anxiety and he has a hard time with performance. Its doesnt help that I’m about to go in for my second knee replacement. He says he will never stop loving me or make me feel had. So our 6 or 7 times a yr are good. But I feel guilty afterwards because I know we both wish it could be like the old days. Hes not sick. I am☹

  2. I came across my husband’s medical records of a visit whereby he told the doctor I, I, did not want him to take any sex drug enhancements. He lied. I read this report, by chance, 10 years ago and have resented him since. He had prostate removed since that report. He denied us both intimacy for 15 years BEFORE his prostatectomy.

  3. I think the most telling thing you said was intimacy was never satisfactory for you, was that just with your husband. There maybe various reasons for that. You may think it a little late to examine why that was. whatever the reason it should not be a question of blame . Many times our sexuality is affected by our self image, our past, or an expression of a lack of basic trust or compatibiliy in the relationship. Women like men marry for many, and complex reasons. Do you even really want to try, or did you because you felt you ought to. Many times we marry who is the better life partner not who we are actually attracted to. I was lucky that though my husband has been my only partner and since we were both teenagers we were very compatible in that department. However when we had other problems it would sometimes bleed into that area. It is possible that if you get to the bottom of why you think this is happening you may solve more problems than your sexual ones. If you had not said that one telling statement I would have just advised HTR and a good lubricant.

  4. Agree!!! Same boat but mine is so emotionally vacant the cuddles are even Luke warm. And talking doesn’t help, nor creams. 🥴

  5. There are creams to help.also romantic change helps to.sexy nighties, candles,music,slow dancing in the living room,just setting a mood can relight the spark.im 65 so age and menopause does not have to ruin intamitcy

    1. Well, we have had some of these issues…my husband cannot take the medications offered to men due to an interaction with another medication. We are intimate without intercourse, and although it is not what it was at 20, it is still satisfying and special. We also added a special ‘toy’ (Satisfyer Pro 2) to our ‘playtime’ – as long as you are doing it together and it makes you both feel good, there is no shame in doing it different than you did years ago.

  6. Married 52 years stoped sex 10 years ago due to health issues. We are just as happy now and enjoy each other’s company. Don’t sweat the small stuff enjoy life.

  7. My husband cannot rise to the occasion despite trying all the medications available. It always ends with him feeling horrible. I grieve the loss of this part of our life’s a lot. I feel distant from him and I even get resentful towards him thinking if he had taken better care of himself we could still enjoy that part of life….

    1. My love required removal of his prostate. All of the ED drugs failed. His urologist mentioned a pump that was available. They are available online thru Amazon, etc. It is inconvenient to wait but it works and satisfies our sexual needs. I hope you can benefit from this info. 🙂

  8. I am 53 also and my husband and have stopped everything in the bedroom-It’s sad I miss being intament with him but sex HURTS like hell. Don’t really know WHAT to do about it.I feel your pain. We’ve been married 20 yrs.

    1. Have you ever heard of VAGIFEM? It is an estrogen tablet inserted vaginally that restores moisture and builds vaginal wall thickness. I am 60 years old and have been using this for several years. I had painful sex as well and this has been a game-changer! My hubby of 41 years is thrilled too! Good luck…you are too young to give up on intimacy ❤️

      1. Go to the Dr both of you. I’m in late 50s as is my husband, there was a time when things didnt work so well. We both changed things up, attitudes, conversation, fun, habits… and are truly enjoying our time together and it’s more frequent than when we were younger. I know you guys can, but both need to be on board with it. Counseling may help. Now, should be a time for you guys to enjoy the time you have together as a couple again. Get a little tipsy together, laugh, love have fun maybe he will let go a bit and give you what you want/need

      2. Please be Careful of oestrogen know your risks..I was on a low dose of oestrogen to help with menopause, risk-free I was told, gave me this cancer. After my surgeries I was told that my Tumours were caused and almost 100% estrogen.

        1. I subject close to my heart! My lover and I have both been having problems in this area. For the last 15 years sex has been awesome. Now he (67) had a chg in meds and thinks it is affecting his ability to sustain an erection. I am 62, need to start using premarin. I lost my desire..why!

      3. Please be Careful of oestrogen know your risks..I was on a low dose of oestrogen to help with menopause, risk-free I was told, gave me this cancer. After my surgeries I was told that my Tumours were caused and almost 100% estrogen.

    2. Talk to your dr. or the pharmacist, there is a cream you can use to stop the dryness and the pain. Unfortunately my dr. gave me the cream and I guess my husband didn’t like that, he just quit having sex with me and that was over ten yrs. ago! Hope you find something that will help the hurting.

    3. I have met someone and I am dealing with the issue of pain and what to do about it. Thank you for the helpful suggestions. I want to be intimate, and so i am researching answers.

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