Keeping Mouth Closed or Not

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Anonymous writes, “My daughter is going to marry soon. She supports this man financially and emotionally and he contributes very little, spending his days playing computer games and smoking pot…

She is 38 and wants children. I think she is making a mistake. He is kind and loves her, cooks occasionally, but does no housework.

Should I say something or trust her to build her own life? This wedding should be making me happy, I’m just tired and sad.”

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35 thoughts on “Keeping Mouth Closed or Not”

  1. Being a good parent at any age is a tightrope walk at best. If you come on too heavy with advice it can ruin things forever. If you give no advice you have avoided being a parent for the sake of peace. If she does marry him and wakes up to being in a helpless situation she may resent that you didn’t warn her. You might ask her at a quiet time, what her idea of a good marriage is. What role does the woman take and the same for the man. Tell her you want to learn from her what it means to her. It will get her thinking. If it doesn’t work out you still have each other and the love will still be in tact.

  2. Hardest advice I’ve ever given as I’m the mom of one of those men…… smile, wave, wish them well and say nothing. It’s for them to work out (or not). You only get to the smiling mom and MIL. Maybe grama soon… if you start commenting, it’s a slippery slope and the only one that will lose is you. If they work out.. you cheer.. if they don’t… you make tea…. however.. hold your tongue.. (I know, it’s hard.. I have to hold mine until it bleeds.. we didn’t raise them to be like this)….

    1. The woman usually comes to her senses.. my daughter did…unfortunately usually by then there are children involved and it cant ever be a clean break.

  3. I constantly remind myself that all I want is for my child to be happy, and no one can make any changes in her situation except her. If she is happy with the way things are in her life then I will be happy for her.

  4. They wont listen to you even if you do say something i did the very same thing thing and she got married to him anyway i say let them learn the hard way

  5. I agree with another who said, “Speak the truth, in love”. You are her mom and I believe that means her voice of reason at times. Share with her your concerns in a calm, loving way and then she has to make her own decisions. Also, let her know you will respect her choice once she makes it. I wish my mom had given me more sage advise when I was young and making mistakes I later regretted. I don’t believe you risk harming your relationship with your daughter if she knows you are sharing your concerns in love and also that there will be no hard feelings if she doesn’t take your advice. My daughter is 35 and we have had many conversations like this. She has gotten upset with me a couple of times, but the love between us always brings us back together again AND has brought about the wonderful words, “You were right, Mom”!

    1. Great advice. My child would respond positively to a discussion where they would listen and discuss, make their own decision and know no matter their decision my love would always be there. Also, that I only brought up the subject was because of my love and desire for their happiness.

      Where is this guy getting the money for pot and are they living in a legal state? Possible legal ramifications .

  6. If you choose to say anything it should be Your truth – “I loveYou and I want You to be happy. I have concerns that this marriage may not allow you that happiness”

    1. Yes they hear it but not listening! Best let her SEE things herself and be there; not to say “told you so” but give your motherly support.
      It’s best to let them face and see things / life through themselves, with our support and ❤
      🍀

      1. She will marry him no matter what you do. Your choice is this. Try and stop it and risk your relationship with your daughter. Or do everything you can to support her decision and be there to pick up the pieces. You may get the best gift in the world! (A grandchild).
        If they have children and you have alienated yourself from her you will miss out on the best part of life.!

  7. Sometimes we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. My advice is to let her make her own decisions and choices. Should she start a conversation leading toward an opinion then a suggestion could be put out there. We always want the best for our children and never want to see them hurt. But also we have to learn from our mistakes and choices to help in the growth process. So let her fly and just be there should she fall.

  8. 38 is very late to be starting to think of having babies – speaking from someone who was there – well I was 35! Mum didn’t like my mister, but 2 babies, and 18 years later, she realises he was what I needed, even if not what she wanted for me. She had a quiet word, but then let it drop. How long have they been together? We were together a year on our wedding day, is she happy? So she supports him – not so huge these days. Maybe he’ll bring up the kids. If you think he is violent, then that is one thing, but not your cup of tea – that is another altogether different. Show her you care, but also trust her. Give her the opportunity to tell you she is unsure, but when she doesn’t, give her all the support you cam, and show her that you lo e her and will always be there for her.

  9. Let your chick fly with her own wings. That is what you raised her to do. Be there if she needs you but keep your own council about how you feel or think. Her decision and her choices.

    1. Yes I agree with the comments. I wouldn’t say anything and she will find out for herself one way or another. She might push you away if you give advice and your relationship with her may deteriorate.

    1. Don’t give an opinion unless asked. Also just say when chatting to your daughter that you hope it all works out for them and she will be happy, but you are always there to support her if needed. At 38 she is old enough to make her own decisions, but we always need our mums whatever our age x

  10. Dont do anything my parents hated my husband 43 yrs together 37 married best SIL they had (their utterance not mine) you cant judge by what your daughter says when shes perturbed with him which I’m sure they have their moments. Mine said nothing about not marrying but clear about feelings for him and he and his dad belonged to a motorcycle gang to boot. Even if hes a loser it’s her loser her choice mine works as hard as he loves me and that is beyond believable hes no longer a pothead hasnt been since before the kids and sorry but in some states pot is as legal as booze shes 38(?) Time for you to let her handle things and be happy for her

  11. She’s old enough to make her own mistakes. I’d guess she wouldn’t take your advice and will resent you having said it. My paternal grandmother (Zita) didn’t want my dad to marry my mom, with the result being that neither my mom nor I had a relationship with her. This is your daughter’s wedding, not yours, so does it really matter if you’re happy about it?

    1. She’s 38. As hard as it is, it is her decision. But! Sit down with her for a chat if it makes you feel better. You might understand her decision better.
      Wishing you the best.❤

  12. I think I would gently advise, but abandon if it gets heated as these things often do. You can but let her know, you support and love her regardlessly, no matter what happens.

  13. Say nothing. She is a grown woman. 38 years old, not a child. She has the right to make her own mistakes and learn from them. It will damage your relationship if you get involved.

  14. How long has she been with him? Is there a reason he doesn’t work? I agree with Cher. Begin a conversation with her regarding her future with him and a future with the potential of children. Does she really love him or is she in love with the idea of marriage?

    1. I think you should say something. Be kind, but being pretty sure what the outcome will be, it would be on your conscience that you did nothing when things go south for her.
      You’re her mother. She knows you love her and want the best for her.

      1. Does she HAVE to marry. She can still love him..have a baby and kick him out with no dresdful divorce woes. Just a thought..civil ceremony

  15. Speak the truth in love. Then, let it go. Maybe being a good example of love, strong work ethic, support for your daughter and providing her a place to vent but not be judged will be a good example to him to want to better his own life. Encourage him where is strengths are… maybe starting a small business or working part time to expand his talents might be all he needs. Parenting adult children is different than young children. They don’t have to accept it, follow it or take it to heart— sometimes just loving adult children unconditionally is the best thing we can do. Making mistakes and learning from them is part of growing up.

  16. People dont change, you marry someone because you love them not need them to father children. It’s sad but if that’s what shes chosen to do, you just try to be happy for her….

  17. No changes ahead marriage won’t change him and when the kids come she will be looking after by herself with little help. I see it everyday with my daughter and her partner same situation. All day everyday by self and doing all by self as gaming and smoking are their priority. Hope it does work out out better for your daughter.

  18. I would ask her questions to spark her own awareness. Make it casual. Anything you say against him may drive her away from you.

  19. I know it’s breaking your heart but she is old enough to see what she is getting into.
    Don’t risk your relationship with her.
    Be supportive to her and pray he changes.

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