Lack of Intimacy

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Anonymous asks, “I am 60 years old and have been going through menopause for approximately 12 years. Mood swings (anger especially), increased anxiety (I have been anxious since I was a child) lack of patience and a severe lack of libido…

My husband and I have always enjoyed a good sex life but during the past eight years I literally do not care if I never have sex again. I’m even having thoughts that the actual act is dirty and demeaning. As a young teenager, I was sexually abused by the father of children I babysat. I never mentioned this to my Mum or anyone as I was sure that I would be blamed. This man still lives in our town.

I also had a very bad two-year experience in my early 20’s with my boyfriend whom I lived with. He became very violent when he drank alcohol including making me do disgusting things in the bedroom/shower. These thoughts are for some reason coming back at me 40 years later.

I love the closeness of a cuddle at any time but at bedtime I’m scared that it will turn to more and I don’t want that. I feel extremely guilty about this and am so very grateful that my husband is understanding. He doesn’t even try to initiate sex anymore for “fear of rejection.” He is 65 years old. A very loving and kind man. I feel that I am not mentally able to have sex anymore.

Has anyone had similar experiences and if so, how did you get through it?”

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24 thoughts on “Lack of Intimacy”

  1. My ex wanted more sex and I wanted a deep level of intimacy. It seems like the only time he touched me was when he wanted sex, not making love, just sex.
    Quite honestly he wasn’t a very good lover and refused to take any form of instruction no matter how I presented it. I became ill and being touched became painful, instead of working with me he just put all of the responsibility to initiate on me. We divorced 4 years ago because he didn’t love me any more and did not hesitate to make it known. I miss being hugged and intimacy but, I don’t miss just being a vessel for his sexual release. I have zero desire to date or be in any kind of relationship.

  2. First, I am so sorry that you were sexually abused when you were a teen. I can’t imagine having something so horrible like that happen, never telling anyone about it, and then seeing that person again and again… How could you NOT feel anxious about it? I’m sad that you never felt like you could say anything to anyone for fear of being blamed for it. You also mentioned the 2-year relationship where you experienced multiple sexual traumas with an intimate partner. I’m a fellow sexual abuse survivor and empathize with what you’ve been through, and want you to know that what you’re feeling (anxiety, lack of libido, and not wanting more than to just cuddle) is normal.

    You’ve experienced a LOT of trauma in your life and I am so sorry you were victimized and unable to tell anyone. I want to encourage you to please, please, PLEASE talk with a professional counselor/therapist and find a support group for sexual abuse survivors, so you can begin to feel what you’ve not felt safe enough until now to feel, and talk about. Invite your husband into this healing process. If he’s as good of a man as you mention here, he’ll be one of your biggest advocates in this.

    It’s scary talking about these things but please know that you’re not alone, and that it took a LOT of courage for you to say these things out loud. There are many of us out here that understand.

  3. I went through the menopause blues for almost 12 years and my husband has been the best. The lastThing I have wanted is any sort of sexual intimacy, until an old lover showed up after 20 some years. For some reason, his interest in me sexually has restarted my sexual side once again. The old lover and I have not hooked back up but his interest has reignited My interest in my husband because I am feeling like maybe I’m not too old and gravity hasn’t been as cruel as it might have been and he is very excited about this new phase of our marriage. My advice is hang in there! Thankful that being 60 Years old is empowering and humbling.

    1. That’s exactly me you have described, it’s my first boyfriend of 50 years ago contacted me,?we were only 13 but my goodness does he make me feel good, haven’t felt like this in so long, need to go to the doctor as being intimate with my husband has been so very uncomfortable, we haven’t been for years.

  4. Exactly the same lost interest. After menopause , am 65 and oh is 67 ! To be perfectly honest companionship and being relaxed with each other is more important at our stage of life !

    1. It’s one thing I didn’t know about Menopause. I think there should be education for women and couples in their late thirties because I started perimenopause in my early forties. I think that’s why a lot of divorces happen. I believe more women have this issue.
      I can say I had a very thriving sex life until peri menopause and menopause! My husband suffers with my lack of interest!

  5. I started with the mood swings, anger,and just not being myself at 47. Doctor checked me and I had no estrogen. She put me on birth control pills and an anti-depressant for the moods. Had a hysterectomy at 60 and now 71. Have not been sexually active for over 20 years. I don’t care about sex but those moods and anger were awful. I am still on the anti-depressants but no more hormones. Going through menopause is no joke but thankfully I am at peace and no one in my life is expecting me to be sexually available!

    1. Same with me although no early abuse. Been really bad the last 2-3 years. Mood swings, anger, sadness, fatigue!! Had to have a radical hysterectomy a few years ago due to cancer and things have really gone downhill since. My husband is running out of patience with me and sometimes I think we would be better off divorced! I would rather do anything then have sex and would love to find something to turn this around.

      1. My ob doc just began new part of her practice. She got me started on BioTe, natural treatment for depleted hormones. In just a few days since beginning, moods better, no more crushing anxiety. The other stuff may take time but am hopeful. I had hysterectomy also, low levels of the “good stuff.”

    2. Very encouraging to hear my husband and I aren’t the only ones not experiencing intimacy anymore. We stopped in 2003 and he won’t even talk about it. It was all him. I am 62 and he is 64. I don’t care now if he never touched me again. I was upset a few years but now I just don’t have the desire. We still sleep in same bed but more like brother and sister – not touching.

  6. Unfortunately I am going through much the same thing. Not caused by trauma of ant sort. I had a total hysterectomy and have been going through what seems like never ending menopause. I refuse to take hormones because out family have so much cancer that they could do a study on us. My poor husband is getting the raw end of the deal. I do not care if we never have sex and as of late I can’t even make myself have sex. I am afraid to cuddle because I think it would lead to sex. I just don’t know what to do about it. I love my husband and actually have prayed that he get ED so it won’t be an issue any more. We are both 66 and he is a wonderful husband. If you find an answer please let me know. 🙁 I feel so shitty about it.

  7. Wow, I feel not alone now. My husbyneeded medication for PTSD and suffers depression and had anger issues. Medications have made him have zero interest in sex.
    I haven’t felt like it for 2 years I’m 56 now. He thought he was being a terrible husband and thought he was going to lose me as he wasn’t sexually active. I was relieved as I thought he wasn’t interested in me. We had a talk about it and have come to terms with it. I think cuddling and complementing each other making sure we enjoy each other’s company is what matters.

  8. My husband is 74. I am 66. I was always ready for sex, but after having a hysterectomy in my late 40s, it seems every year my desire for it has gone down a little more. I had my ovaries removed a couple of years ago and now I don’t think about sex much anymore. My husband, being 74 loves looking at my body, but is pretty much on the same page as I am about the whole matter. The doctor says it’s all in my head, but I know it’s the loss of the hormones and aging. We are happy and healthy and are ok with things the way they are.

  9. Lost interest too. Discovered natural hormone replacement therapy..its a yam root. Sounds like it wouldn’t cure a thing. Not highly advertised, but oh my, the results were phenomenal!! It covered a wide range of my problems. Libido, migraines, arthritis, . Chech into it..worth your while!!

    1. It just physically hurts so damn much. The thought of the discomfort, coupled with the lack of libido is just a downer. I’m only 59, and I probably should do something about it. For now, just marking time.

  10. I didn’t have the experiences you had, but I still feel the same way. My husband isn’t as understanding, so I left.

  11. Yes!! I’m going through this too. My husband is sweet and very understanding thankfully..not sure what therapy would do for no libido..I miss my husband but I feel “dead” sexually and perfectly happy to never do it again. I went through menopause at 44, I’m 54 now.

    1. I went through this and came to find out that my total lack of sex drive for 6 years was hormonal imbalance due to aging…. I go to a doctor who also practices functional medicine in the area of hormonal imbalances. He put me on bioidentical progesterone and testosterone. Not pills but rub in the skin along with some supplements based on identified deficiencies. My sex drive is returning along with some great new energy.
      As for the mental thoughts…I too have had childhood abuse issues. Therapy helped heal these wounds. Now that families are grown, it’s a nice time to focus on ourselves for a change. Best of luck as you work through this!

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