Mix of Emotions

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“I was in a 10-year relationship which was pretty volatile.

I got pregnant in my 40’s and we got married and moved to another country, closer to his family. On my wedding day, I remember thinking I’d put up with him for a few years, and then divorce him (sounds crazy I know).

He was manipulative, controlling, mean, had my self-esteem at an all-time low, and was simply not a very nice man! We were only at our new house two months and he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I nursed him for 18 months and he died a year ago. During his illness, he became a worse version of himself… meaner, nastier, etc. He never got that ‘epiphany‘ that some people seem to get when they know they’re dying. Those 18 months were pure hell for me, but I did my very best for him, ensured he was cared for and got to die at home.

I’m now in a very strange grieving process and wondered if others have experienced this, and how did you come out on the other side?

I stay in the new country as I love it here. There are days filled with guilt because I am so glad he is not here treating me badly anymore. There are other days that I’m filled with sadness, as he had a horrible death, and nobody should die the way he did… how do I cope with this mixture of emotions???” -Anonymous

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6 thoughts on “Mix of Emotions”

  1. Guilt is not an emotion that God wants us to dwell in. Nothing that happened was your fault. Go get some counselling and lift that burden off yourself, or simply decide that your life is a gift and you must live it to the fullest. Let the past go and move on. Tell yourself that you are now free to do whatever you want. He is somewhere else, in another dimension and no longer cares what happens here. Don’t let him rob you of your happiness any longer. It’s ok to move on and live a good life now. Perhaps you needed this experience to learn from it. Take from it what you need to not make the same mistakes. We are not victims unless we allow ourselves to be. Be a victor and arise from the dust. You can do this!

  2. First off, you are an amazing human being to have gone through that and stayed to care for him. You should be very proud of yourself. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to process all of this. It will take some time.

    I have experienced a similar situation where I met a man and moved to be with him. We were very much in love, at least I was with him. He made me feel safe. We went on to have 2 children, late in life because he always wanted children. He was an alcoholic and I ignored all the signs. In and out of the courts, rehab, psychiatric facilities as he got real sick, had major surgery and dissolved into opiate addiction. Ultimately there would be an attempted suicide with a gun, lots of police, he would nearly kill me and then go on an all out rampage, resulting in him being airlifted to safety. I could no longer let him stay as he was a threat to our safety. The man I despirately loved is gone, is missing and most likely homeless. We have no closure and live in a state of fear. Even though I am remarried I still grieve the loss of when things were good with him. It’s a painful thing to stick by someone who abused you and let them go. There are so many emotions to process. It just takes time.

  3. No, this is not strange at all! Every death, even every loss, is met with more than one emotion- love and relief, relief and guilt, heartbreak and ease, confusion and release… on and on. That’s not extraordinary at all. Stop punishing yourself for not feeling what you didn’t feel. Your life is what it is- and you have been offered an incredible gift. You have had all these experiences that honed your soul into a force for good. Not all presents come wrapped in shiny paper, with elaborate bows and thoughtful cards, but they are gifts nonetheless. Take a breath and unwrap yours. Keep going- the shame gremlins will always try to keep you off balance- banish them! Open the gift.

  4. All I can think of is to tell you I think everyone of us has regrets. I am working on coming to terms with my own. Each night I give them to my God and rest peacefully. Look forward. The view out the windshield is better than the one out your resr view mirror. Take care.

  5. Please try to be kind to yourself. You did more than many people would do. You put your own feelings aside, accepted him at his worst, and we’re kind and caring. You are a very good person. Now go live your life, without guilt.

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