Returning Adult Child

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“My partner’s son is 23 and there is a chance he will be coming to live with us in September when he finishes his studies…

For the three years that I have lived with my partner his son has been at university and has come home on the holidays. My partner can be extremely negative which I usually try to counter with humour however when he and his son are together, they discuss politics, and I usually make myself scarce and end up feeling like an outcast in my own home.

And the thought of him coming home for any length of time fills me with dread to the point where I feel I would move out if he did. I feel I would be asking my partner to choose between me or his son and that isn’t the case at all I just feel his son living with us would not be best for any of us.

I suffer with anxiety myself and this situation is making me feel dreadful. If there have been any arguments between the son and I in the past my partner would not intervene. I know it must be difficult for my partner to do the right thing but my concerns have gotten so bad they are taking over my day-to-day life. I just do not know what to do and need some advice.” -Anonymous

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16 thoughts on “Returning Adult Child”

  1. My stepson came cone at 23 with stipluations. Finish School, get a job, Save for apt. No girls over get a room. Pay rent each mo that will be given back towards moving out as long as he has money saved as well. And a time limit works. In your case I would say two months. I would not advise making your husband choose, you will probably lose. Try not to preconceive what might or might not happen. You are already setting yourself up for disaster.

  2. My ex husband wanted his younger brother to come live with us. I hesitated because we were a new couple and needed our privacy plus the younger brother was into drugs. My ex said his brother was trapped in a small town, their Dad was opressive and the brother could not see positive opportunities. So my ex told him no. Later he died a mysterious death that was probably suicide or homicide/drug related. I have felt awful about my part. Especially because my Mom came to live with us in later years and my ex was very accommodating and kind.

  3. My husband had two step mom’s after we got married the first one was wonderful to visit. We live 900 miles away, loved going, the second was horrible. She suffered from something, we visited twice the second time worse than the first, we never stayed with them again. He resented her for this.

  4. If the son comes to live with you, is there a bedroom or family
    room that you can set up a positive area for yourself? Burn a favorite scented candle, play music you enjoy so you do not hear them discussing politics, read a book, etc. View it as your private positive area? If not, even if it is your bedroom and your side of the bed with a dinner tray next to it with your candle on it. Door closed. Do deep breathing and meditation. But view it as your escape area. Know that you are lucky to be able to escape.

  5. You would be asking him to choose. It is a hard pill to swallow but when you become involved with someone who has children, those children will be part of his life forever. A child at University often comes home for a time after they are done. They are just testing their wings and figuring out what’s next. I have a 23 year old son who moved home after and still lives here. I would never tell him he couldn’t come here to figure out what’s next. This is his home. I understand your concerns, but maybe moving out would be best. Adult children will always have a connection with their parents IF the parents are good parents. It is a never ending love and kids need help sometimes. If he were 33 I would understand your concern more.

    1. I don’t understand your problem. You married a man with a son. Uni is over and the son needs a base. It’s the most natural thing in the world to return to the family. He will find a job, make a life for himself and move out in due course. But he will always be part of your life. Stop being silly. It’s in your hands to make him welcome, open your heart to your step son. Love him as you love his father. In times to come this boy may be your support and stay. Build your relationship with him too. He is part of your family now. Show kindness and love and support. And if son and father argue about politics, tell them to do i5 outside of the house. Your house is a politics free zone!!

      1. I disagree here. Unless specific rules are set and adhered to that young man will never leave. Let him come home of course but he has to contribute and eventually has to leave. .

  6. Sorry, but seems you are anticipating problems before they happen. They have a right to have conversations in their own home, so just find a good book and go in another room if it bothers you. Give the young man some flexibility as he decides on the next step in his life.

  7. Open, honest communication with your partner.. establish guidelines and then both of you sit down with adult child and explain expectations which are required for him to remain in the home.. he may decide on another living option.. if not the first violation and he moves out…never threaten any consequence you can’t/ won’t enforce.. this strategy puts it all on him and your partner isn’t in the position of “ choosing” between his son and you! Good luck!

  8. Maybe the son won’t live with you very long. It’s quite possible that he’ll end up leaving to live with friends. After all, if he’s been living on his own all these years, he’s not going to want to live with Daddy. He’ll want complete freedom. Not only that, other kids will pick on him when he tells them that he’s living with his dad. Don’t worry about it, or at least try not to worry. Eventually he will be out of there to either share with friends or to live with a girlfriend. Hang in there!

    1. Young people nowdays often live at home much longer and more frequently because rent is so exhoribitant. He’s 23 so I don’t think that “Kids” bullying him is an issue. Chances are many of his friends live at home with their parents. And you can’t count on them leaving either. If your partner doesn’t intervene in disagreements between you and his son, I doubt very seriously he is going to agree to strict rules and regulations for his son, or back you up when you ask his son to leave.
      You don’t say whose home you are living in, or whether its a joint rental or purchase and that makes a lot of difference. I think you should be upfront with your partner and tell him you aren’t comfortable with the situation. If he insists on his son living there without a firm exit date, my suggestion is to get your own place. Even a studio apartment is better than being stressed out all the time. Good luck and stand your ground!

  9. My husband and I got married and we are Christian, his son lived with us and we got along till he wanted to bring his girlfriend home and have sex, that was not okay with his dad and as soon as his dad told him he packed and left, since then we have had another of his sons move in and back out, and one of my daughters who brought 2 kids and wanted to bring a boyfriend, that went over like a ton of bricks since she was still married to the kids father. We told her Absolutely not. And since she worked I watched the children but wasn’t allowed to correct them. We locked our bedroom door when we would go out but could tell things were moved when we came home, one time I left a tape recorder going and caught my grandson going through my things, I told my daughter and she wouldn’t do anything, finally had to ask her to leave. If you have anxiety, I feel it will only get worse I was in with a therapist the whole time we had family with us, it wasn’t fun. I hope You can get an answer to this issue.

    1. Straight up make your position clear as diplomatically as you can that for you this is a no no.the reason our children come of age at 18 is they are then able to legally look after themselves.they move out and hopefully move on.bottom line is this reunion does NOT work well for most families.so maybe you and your man can give him 2 weeks to find a home of his own or share with some others but staying in your house is NOT permanent.good luck may it all go well.🌹

    2. I would prefer if he helped him get a place of his own even if he has to help pay for it until his son can afford to support himself. It’s not worth your sanity to have him in your house when you have your own issues.

  10. I know this sounds obvious but have you tried simply asking them to change the subject? You’re the one making choices here. The decision to leave the room is your choice. Perhaps it’s time to make a different one. Stand your ground. My husband is negative as well but if he gets on a particular subject he’s particularly bad. I tell him to knock it off and he does. It’s time to stand up for yourself. You matter too.

    1. You knew when you got together with him that he had a son and should have realized this might happen, especially now when jobs are scarce even for people with a degree. But it sounds to me like you are worrying way too much about things that haven’t even happened yet. You say you already have anxiety. If you haven’t already you should probably talk to a doctor and get on some medication, because chances are you worry about everything too much. I’m not sure why the political conversations bother you, unless it’s just that you feel left out, but if that is something they are interested in I don’t think its fair to ask them not to discuss it in front of you. It sounds more like you are jealous of the time he spends talking to his son. If so, that is your problem and you may want to try to change. Maybe you could find something that you and his son could do together – gardening, a game, a tv show – so you won’t feel as left out. Hopefully the son will not be there forever and making a big deal of it will drive a wedge between you and your significant other. I personally think its wonderful when an adult son will actually sit and talk to his father. Try to look at it that way and maybe it won’t bother you as much.

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