My dear sister is in this situation, controlled by a narcissist husband. For years she thought he was caring, until she realised it was control. Unless you have experienced this, it is hard to understand. Feel compassion for women in this position, and not be so critical of things you have no idea about.
Volunteer, anyplace that interest you. This will get you up and moving, out of the house and help out. You will feel great about yourself and spend less time with Mr. Grumpy. If you need a ride most places will match you up with another volunteer to drive you. They can make life hard and that is not good. I have one also.
You should go to lunch together the movies church places you both like spend more quality time together you probably will grow a new fondness for eachother again. Most importantly pray about it
Such a sad existence.
Health issues get worse when you are sad and depressed. For you own good (and possibly, his), get out of this situation!
If he wants it done his way, let him do it his way - his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, his shopping - make it clear that if he wants everything his way, he’s welcome to have it that way - he just needs to do the work.
And get a iPad or a kindle with streaming capabilities if you have wifi, with earbuds in, you can watch hundreds of movies, and shows - without having to listen to him or his choices. If you can, take short walks, several times a day. If you have had your vaccinations, see if small groups of friends want to meet, visit, discuss books or knit together.
Sounds like you may have situational depression. I am sorry to hear this. It also sounds like you've chosen to stay. You're entitled to decide for yourself. If I were in that situation, I'd definitely be seeking out service opportunities like volunteering (nothing makes me feel better more than that), or investing in a hobby like crocheting things that you give to people or a paint class - something you enjoy and makes you feel useful. Please, if you don't want to leave - take care of yourself. Nurture some part of you and maybe even see a therapist just to get some of this off your chest. I wish you the best. ❤️🙏
Girl run as fast and far as you can away from him...so what..health issues..I have health issues also...I would be in trouble if I were..in the same house with him.i would be abused...if you get down he won't take care of you get out as fast as you can
I'm a very independent person, so don't require my husband's constant companionship. But, I have told him before that I will not be around him if he is bad company. He is usually lost in his own thoughts and angst and is not emotionally available to me anyway. I guess I'm use to it after 38 years.
This is no way to live out your remaining years. First start with him being medically evaluated, then try counseling. If this fails, sit him down and tell him, your doing what you want and when you want to do it, he will just have to deal with it.
No no no 😭. You mustn’t live a half life. Address the issues you can. For instance I hate sport. Hubby loves it. He watches his sport on one tv I go to bed and watch what I want in our lovely bedroom my dog comes with me for cuddles too so we are all happy with that. If he wants to own the back or front yard you have say over the other. When you usually nap couldn’t you use this for a social event of some kind. Ring friends. Go out for a lunch. In nice weather take a book outside and put up a ‘do not disturb’ sign. He must compromise. It sounds like his nature is sucking the life out of you 😢.
Make yourself a room where you can go. I have a craft room, and love being in there. Put a tv in there so you can watch whatever you want. Make it your space!
Get you a she shed and spend your time out there... Maybe volunteer it would be good for your heart and get you out of the house
Spend time away from home as much as possible, even if it's going to McDonald's and sitting in the parking lot. Get a camp if you have the money. Finally, get away from him to keep what health you have and peace of mind. It doesn't mean divorce but it means moving away from what is stealing your life and your joy. That's the ultimate boundary.
What an awful way to live your life. I can’t imagine how dreadful this must be. Can you even get another television so you can at least enjoy your evenings watching what you want to. Otherwise the building tension within you might cause you to become unwell. Good luck.
Don’t worry there are thousands of us in, more or less, the same boat….especially once retired. Do things together, even if it’s not very often, but also do your own thing. I nip out to the local shops if I feel the urge to strangle him 😄. Overall he is a good bloke, but a pain in the bum some days. When I’m watching my favourite programme he insists on reading snippets out to me from Twitter or some news media. He watches all the football matches or cricket, so I get relegated to the bedroom. He interferes in the kitchen. The list is endless….we are total opposites…but…I am not perfect and we muddle through, with lots of laughter.
Do you think he is possibly as miserable in the situation as you? Maybe you really need to talk, look into each other’s eyes and discuss how to make your relationship better moving forward.
I am so thankful for the I get with my husband. He works long hours, but his days off we try to spend every minute together, my 2nd marriage, 27 years this year, wouldn't trade him for all the gold in the sea. He is my best friend, Still makes me laugh, and always tells me I am beautiful even when I know I am not looking my best. We have are moments, When he is home for a long spell, he can get under my skin..his messes start to add up, but I would miss them if he was gone. Life is short, think of why you fell in love, dance in your kitchen..we do.
I'm just grateful that I still have my husband after 50+ years. I live in a retirement village, and it has many single women who are widowed and miss their husbands terribly ! I think you should be more grateful !!
He's draining you. Get out of the house as much as you can. Meet friends for coffee, lunch, a movie or other shared interests. Volunteer or take a class so you can get engrossed in something new and meet new people. Take walks in the park or neighbourhood to get exercise and fresh air and lighten your mood. Insist on some part of the house as yours alone, perhaps a den or spare room. Fix it up to your own taste and needs. Get a second TV or computer so you can use them as you see fit.
Is this a new issue? If so, he may be developing mental status changes, or having a reaction to medication. Or he may be depressed about health issues, or your relationship. Any chance he would accept both of you having exams by a geriatrician? Or seeking counseling?
If not a new issue, I would do one of two things - consider a separation, or developing your own routine. As others have mentioned - girlfriends, church activities, volunteer work. I love my husband - and we are old - but I do all 3 without him - he needs his space as much as I do. Then when we do something together, we have plenty to talk and laugh about.
I think women should be in charge of the house. So I sound like your husband, in some ways. However, if my hubby really wanted things a certain way. I would say "sure". Your husband sounds just plain "Mean". I'd straighten him out. He has been allowed to behave this way. I would not tolerate that at all. Kick Him out for a week or so.
Find things that are of a common interest do them together. But you must also nurture your own soul however or whatever you do. Do things that make you happy. Allow him to have his space and you yours. You will figure it out.
I feel sorry for you both, you should be enjoying this time together. I have no advice as I was lucky enough to enjoy time spent with my husband.
You have every right to feel like this. However have you thought about creative solutions? Fun solutions? We had two tvs in the living room next to each other, one with a long cord and headphones. I found a hobby for him so he had men to interact with and a story to tell when coming home (4wheel drive) we sat down with a list of chores and took turns picking one. What was on my list was my responsibility and no comments to be made. Maybe these kinds of things will make your life easier and more fun?
Get some good girlfriends and vent to them. You'll go out have fun, laugh and complain and go on back home...... maybe then hell seems less depressing
I went over and used my daughter's pool on mother's day. Alone. Her family went to the beach, because mother's day is her day! She's busy with her teen and infant. Although I feel your pain and have had similar feelings, ultimately our life and our happiness is our own responsibility.
I feel like I was much more attentive to my grand parents. I checked on them and I visited at least once a week. Kids and grandkids are different these days. I wish it were not so but they are too busy for anything but their own lives. I’ve decided to live my life, do my own thing, create my own pleasures. If I don’t count on them—I’m never disappointed. Not what I’d wish—but it’s the life I have and it’s OK.
Just once...just once I would love to have my kids take me out for lunch or dinner and maybe give me some presents. Would be nice! I’d even be happy to wake up to breakfast
I went out to lunch with my adult kids recently. It was a wonderful Mother’s Day. I realized that all of us had been working so hard and the pandemic isolation was overwhelming despite the fact that we all work and share similar burdens. Just that little time-out was a respite for us all. I am proud of them and we are all trying our best.
Definitely can relate. Seems like it's always on the Grandparents to keep in touch. Not how we raised them. My Daughter never called, texted etc. today. God help her. Someday she will know how I felt today.
I look back on how I regarded my mother when I was a mother and a wife, with a farm to run and finances to juggle ... and that informs me how much I should expect of my grown up children. Very little is my answer. I then told myself to go embrace this part of my life, find my adventures, my zest, a new circle of friends, and be a positive, happy person who is good to spend time with. 🦋
I'm blessed to be very young in spirit and physically able to do most everything, as I live very independently on my own. I feel if I ever need help or assistance, my daughters will know how to handle it, as they have watched my brothers and I help with my parents over the years. Even grown children continue to watch the actions of their parents.
I read these reply’s and I don’t find myself there and I hope I never do. Sure I get tired but nothing is any better then having them all at home. I want all of them to have memories of holiday dinners at home. I am 79 and my health is not good but as long as I can do it, it will done with a great full heart.
I feel this deep in my soul. I raised my children to be strong and independent, to go out in the world and live their dream lives. I am incredibly proud of them all! But I also sometimes feel that I raised them to be privileged people that take for granted that I gave everything I had to get them there. I want them to come home to see me, to share a meal, to talk and laugh and love. If they would come home to help me, that would just be a bonus!
I too am tired, I have been for awhile, the choices I have made were the cause of some of this tiredness, now I make different choices, ones centered on my well being verses the well being of others, my tiredness is fading. Take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
I want to spend time with my grandkids one on one but unless we take them all at the same time my son and daughter-in-law refuse us. My husband and I both work full time. We want a week or long weekend individually with each grandchild. My daughter in law is so afraid that we will spend one penny more on our only granddaughter that she refuses us to get them separately.
I hear you ! I did not hear from a single one of my grandkids yesterday, whom I interact
with fairly regularly. It was Mother’s Day and they posted about their moms. It was also my birthday. I kept watching for a message or text....
Had a lovely mother's day with three of my four children coming to my little house to clean my walls and ceilings and dealing to the heavy jobs in the garden. I am so lucky and grateful for their much needed help. Old age is hard to cope with sometimes.
Ha! I had to laugh when I read the first lines of this post. I, too, am tired. When my dear husband asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, I answered, “ Peace and quiet.” He laughed and reminded me the grandkids would be here...♥️
I spent Mother’s Day with 3 of my 6 grandkids. I fed them, sent the teen out to the yard to do the yard work that’s beyond me, taught the 10-year old a new technique in watercolors, and helped the 6-year-old paint and decorate his pirate treasure box. Yes, I was a little tired after but I wouldn’t have it any other way! And btw, I always pay the teen for her work. Don’t lose the joy of having a family. Talk it out.
Good luck , this is the way it happens for so,many of us . You have expressed being tired perfect .. tired but still doing and pushing yourself as the ones you love watch . It who you are , we are there many of us doing this ... my hearts breaks I did this for everyone in my like with love , my return was when my daughter and son in law took all I had in life ... leaving me broken to my soul , tired to a new place in my soul ... good luck with your journey .. protect yourself the day will come and you need strength for the new waking in you !
Wow, glad my life is not like this. Mine is awesome and i live with my daughter, sil, and grandson. We are all very blessed to have each other. No one takes anyone or anything for granted. I'm happy to be alive and able to see and spend time with them.
Why is it always the grandparents that have to cook and invite grown kids to eat? Why can’t the grown kids ever cook and invite the grandparents to eat. Or take them out to eat once in a while. Once you get old it’s their turn to cook for you and do for you. You just have to stop doing for the ones that never think of you.
Don’t know if a fluke but found my praising my children who are raising my grandchildren seems to hit a spot that my children seem to want. Everyone wants warm words.
My older daughter and son in law were both very sick yesterday and have been for awhile. I thanked God they are alive. My younger daughter is an active addict. I thanked God she is alive. I took my granddaughter to the mall and thanked God for her and that I am healthy enough to do that. My mother passed away last year. I thanked God for her 93 years. My grandparents have been gone most of my adult years. I thanked God I knew them. There are so many wonderful blessings to count. To a glass half full! 🥂 It’s all in the perspective.♥️
I haven't seen my grandson in 2 years. We went to say goodbye to him before we left for Florida in November. He never came out of his room. My husband has early onset dementia. I'm concerned that when they finally see each other, my husband won't recognize him.
Oh my, you need a “ come to Jesus moment “ with those grown kids! Or else stop doing everything yourself and announce “ I am done!” And find what gives you and your hubby joy!
I had lunch at my daughter's house yesterday. We are all tired. Me, my children, all work outside the home. I work 8-12 hour days during spring-summer. But we all try to make time for each other at some point. It is work, keeping your family together. I have had to hire help to clean my house every 2 weeks, so I can have some time off, and my husband has hired someone to mow the lawn. We sacrifice in other areas, but you have to have family time. And you are the glue that holds it all together.
I am lucky to have my only child, my son who is very thoughtful and caring. He is single and 32 so he doesn't have a family yet to take all of his time. He lives 45 minutes away but works from here one day a week. I count my blessings. I know how lucky I am.
Not taking up for your kids, but, they have the same responsibilities as you, with children. I don't know how my daughter in law and daughter do it. It takes all I have, taking care of me and my husband. When we are tired, we don't think straight either. As they say, Just Breathe!
So take a time out...fashion your passion...and just breath. Now you can deal with your man. His insecurities are showing through and his self confidence is lacking. Have fun together doing things that just let you focus on your relationship. We get so caught up in the daily grind we forget to have fun and appreciate each other. It’s all about balance.
I never had that problem- I was- married to a woman of great intellect and a life that made two kids who kept her busy with their needs ! I had it made ! Intelligence was the key !
My son talks non stop period. I only pray his spouse stays with him. I am worried he may be an adult Asperger's sufferer. Maybe your spouse could channel his speech into music or short stories.
Perhaps he is trying to make sure that you value him. By telling you " How great I am " , he may be trying to convince you or maybe even himself.
I have a friend who talks incessantly! When I am "allowed" to get a word in, she finishes my sentence and then goes on talking about what she wants. Yesterday, I had to let her know what she was doing. I repeated her name, "Sue, Sue, Sue," (not her real name), I actually had to shout her name. Finally I said, "let me know when it's my turn to speak!" I let her know that having a conversation means listening as well as talking.
Did you get my ex after we broke up? If so, just know that I tried and tried to get him to stop talking (mostly about himself) and start listening. I warned him that if he didn't, we wouldn't last. After 10 years, I gave up and he still didn't get it! A narcissist can't or won't change. Don't waste too many years trying to change him. You will never get those years back!
Most people talk in sentences; my husband talks in paragraphs. It’s just the way he is. When I get tired of listening, I ease myself out of the room.
Play Toby Keith’s song “You, you , you”..... make it fun but say seriously I wanna talk about me for awhile..... when we were young and the song was new my husband did that to me. He got his point across and we still laugh about it. We are still married....34 years.
I have a friend who does this and when I have had enough (I love talking, too!), I yell "stop talking!" while I cover my ears. It makes him laugh because he knows he tends to fall into monologues, and I think it helps him that I stop him with both determination and humor. I can be quite the talker, too, so I cannot point fingers, I can only let him know when I am done listening. He trusts me because he knows I will always speak my mind and never just go along and be a victim. It also helps that we both have a sense of humor about the other's foibles and also our own. Humor can help almost any situation.
My son in law cannot hold a conversation. He reads or sees something interesting, so he’s telling about it, but only if he can relate the whole story from beginning to end, w/o interruptions. It’s a monologue, but he thinks it’s a conversation. You may not interrupt with a question. Some have problems with their thought-process.
Without knowing more, this is so vague. Is relationship new (and he is *trying* too much)? Is he a nervous person? Insecure? Or perhaps he has read that men don't communicate enough so he's trying to make you happy (even though he doesn't know it is annoying you)? Is he like this in public, with other family, friends, or just you?
Whether together a month or 30 years, I would honestly tell him. Not brutally honest though! 🙂
Ok so no criticism here but is he getting some appreciation from others. I know when I'm like feeling a bit overwhelmed, maybe even a bit put upon I think what about all I've done/do. I try not to be self centered because I know I'm blessed but just somedays....and the feeling continues if others don't pick up on the the need for Mom to get a little kudos
Possibly he is feeling insecure and unloved and very lonely. I have found myself over talking because of those reasons.
I dated someone when I was in my 50’s who did this......I think my sister in law stated it correctly after observing him at a family dinner..... she said this is what I saw..... an insecure man dating a strong woman.....I saw a quote recently...... a lion doesn’t have to tell you he’s a lion......
Lots of men are self, self, self! You have to make him realise that you are important too. You seem a very unselfish, caring person, you may have to put your point across with force, so he can see you mean business. If you don't, he will carry on. I've had to do this myself.
Some people are just talky. Learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. He must have many good qualities or else you wouldn't be with him. I think I have masters the art of listening without really hearing every single word.
My sister did this, because her son died at age 52 of Covid 19. I told her he's in a better life in heaven and very happy and stop trying to pray him out.
Sounds like my former entanglement. I rarely spoke in four years. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I never found a solution.
Bring it to his attention, sometimes people don't even realize how they sound to others, it's a habit, I know someone like that and when ever he gets on a roll, I say something like "It's not all about you", (jokingly) and kinda laugh it off, and usually it changes the conversation, sometimes people just need someone else to remind them.
Perhaps this person is very very hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, therefore when he is talking, he doesn't have to admit he can't hear a word you are saying. I know 3 people that start talking when you say something. I also know they can't hear much at all.
I have a friend who always talks about herself & her health all the time whenever she calls me. After listening for over an hour she may ask me how my life is but by then all I want to do is hang up. I feel it is very selfish of her & she has only got worse as she ages.
I don't think there is a way, and I doubt his feelings would be hurt, anyway. After all, telling him he talks about himself too much will give him the opportunity to talk about himself more. How about changing the subject as soon as you can get a word in? Or, when he brings up his favorite subject, excuse yourself and go do something else.
I’d be curious to know his age. I’ve observed that my elderly father now talks constantly about himself and life through his eyes. He rarely mentions his wife or children in his memories. It requires a lot of patience and understanding that this is just how his brain functions at this time of his life and remember it’s a privilege to have this time together in his later years.
My husband is similar and I too need time out. I have no problem just telling him straight up. 35 years together, open communication is maybe why we have lasted this long. Honest conversations are hurtful yet we all get over it and hopefully take it on as constructive criticism.
I find many men have ego’s. It amuses me 🤦🏼♀️
My husband retired a yr ago April! And then we shut down. He’s used to being a boss, he thinks he can question the job I’ve been doing for 40 yrs and he’s always here! But I’m glad I have him, he tells me he loves my a lot.
Thank you Christine for this. Ben is touch with me, he calls every day. The other two stayed with me as long as they needed, then moved out leaving no forwarding address. It’s hard. I’m sure I don’t, as a parent, deserve this. But it is what it is.
And mother’s who love being a mother. And everyone has a mother!! Rejoice and be glad!!!!
Also Mothers whose grown children live on the other side of the world 😢😢
Let’s add foster mothers, step mothers & women who wanted babies but never could. Neighborhood “moms” or Grandmas...Grandmas who are raising their grandchildren. Teachers, coaches & library ladies!!! Anyone can be a mom...even men!! Wishing us all a Wonderful day to celebrate us!
Happy mother's day. To my family and friends .
So glad to see this. All theses Happy sayings I see just don’t feel good this year. This one does🌸
This is one of the most beautiful and thoughtful posts I have seen. Thank you. Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's 💐🌹❤️
I’ve lost my mum and my son. It’s a lovely post. Thank you. 💕
What a beautiful and touching message! Thank you so much for this. Have a wonderful day with your family!
Mothers' Day is a complicated day and I find this a beautiful and inclusive way to commemorate it. THANK YOU!
Those whose mothers abused and abandonded.
A little sad for me!Miss my children soooooo much!!
This is nice. I guess I just don't get it for the ones who chose not to be mothers. Mothers day is for moms. If you feel left out because you CHOSE to not be a mom, oh well. You don't get a participation award. Mothers day is to honor mothers.
Happy Mother’s Day to all moms, God Bless you!
Happy mother's day to everyone that cares for children enjoy your special day
What a beautiful and thoughtful post. Happy mother’s day
This is beautiful. Thank You for covering all of us. 💖
Thank you , let's add some grandmother's to the list too
Fathers who are both mothers and fathers to their children.
👌 So strawberries for those of us who have no children? I love strawberries but didn't know this was our sign before.
I finally feel included. My mother is gone now, and I have no children. This is a hard day for me.
What a great way to honor all
Moms whose daughter uninvited the whole family from her wedding years ago and has not been part of the family since despite multiple attempts to reconcile.......sad....
Too beautiful of a sentiment not to share ~
And Dads who are Mums to their Kids for whatever reasons