Anonymous would appreciate some input. “I am married for 19 years to a good man… We do not…

Anonymous would appreciate some input. “I am married for 19 years to a good man…

We do not have children by choice but have a 1 1/2 year old golden lab. He is my BFF. My husband, as I said is a good man in many ways, however when it comes to holidays, birthdays etc. he doesn’t go at all out of his way to show appreciation towards me.

I may receive a gift for Christmas and my birthday, but anniversaries, Mother’s Day… don’t get any acknowledgement. I was hurt on Mother’s Day, I work hard to care for our little family’s needs and I think I do a pretty darn good job. I take care of all of the bills and finances, cooking and cleaning.

I don’t ask for much, I prefer a simple life. I would just like to feel like I am appreciated. I went out on Mother’s Day and bought some flowers and plants for myself…

I have on numerous occasions expressed my feelings to him but I get no response. Communication is not one of our strong points.”

  1. This is something that likely will not change. Your husband clearly has a difficult time communicating, and also probably feeling, his own feelings. Talking about it with him may help him to gain some insight, but would more likely be met with quiet or perhaps anger. This is a very tough problem. I might suggest that you garner support from others in your life. It is true that one person cannot meet all our needs under any circumstances. So, it may be the fact that your husband will continue to be unable to meet your emotional needs and/or your needs for validation. This is difficult, but if there are other ways that he meets your needs, that may have to be enough for you in this relationship. Appreciate the things and ways that he does meet your needs, and enjoy his presence in your life for those things. This may be the only way that you can learn to be happy in this relationship. I wish you the very best.

    1. Very well put. Sometimes our expectations are a little bit unreal and we fall hard. Everyone isn’t wired the same. Love isn’t always about material things.

  2. Thirty three years with a man exactly like your husband Started buying my own gifts and putting his name on them.He is a good Christian and takes care of things around the house ,I know he loves me ,tells me doesn’t know how to buy gifts Everyone has something they could do better ,love him for who he is

  3. Needing validation is natural but not everyone is wired to need it or give it. Is he kind? Do you spend time together doing things you both enjoy? Do you laugh together? These everyday things acknowledge your role in his life and express his feelings. Luckily I have a husband that shows his love with little things everyday. I can buy myself flowers.

  4. I understand completely. My husband of 33 years has an issue with giving/showing appreciation. One year I got a chainsaw for my anniversary. He said “It’s the gift of warmth in winter.” So, I took it on myself to buy my own for a while. He’d say “What did I get you?” We have 5 kids.
    I’ve come to the realizations:

    I know the $$ we have, and the budgets. He doesn’t. He didn’t even have a debit or credit card until last year. So he doesn’t know how much to spend.

    He has a huge concern about money. He’s, frankly, cheap. It irks him to buy stuff that he doesn’t see as necessary.

    He doesn’t know what to buy. Has no clue or idea what I might like. It’s a way to failure.

    I, in reality, have everything I need. If I need something, I get it.

    I control the money. He likes it that way. It means he doesn’t have to give it any thought.

    After 30 some years, I decided I needed to change the above.
    I remind him of occasions ahead of time.
    I give him reasonable ideas to decide on. Example: I like moccasins.
    I set a budget for every gift giving occasion. It’s the same amount for everyone.

    Saying all that, he’s doing much better. I received thoughtful gifts for Valentines and Mothers Day. I caused my own problem, retrospectively. I’m learning to work with it

    1. This is the total correct answer! I know it to be true. My husband was a terrible gift shopper and was a terrible budgeter. We have a set gift amount, and we buy it for ourselves. On Christmas we buy it, wrap it up, without the other knowing what’s under the wrapping, and say the same thing “What did I buy you?” It has worked out fine for us! But we decided to also ask each other daily “Is there something I can do for you today?”

  5. Understanding of each other’s unique ways of receiving and giving expressions of love and appreciation are key to expectations and disappointment.
    Have you read, The Five Love Languages
    Book by Gary Chapman?
    Might help open communication. Best of luck, and I appreciate you reaching out. xx

    1. This book helped me to understand that my husband was showing me tons of love, I just didn’t speak his language of love. Once I saw how we showed love differently I was more in tune to his actions I became more excited about our relationship. I was also able to teach him my love language & he responded whole heartedly. Good luck with your marriage & finding love again.

  6. In my situation I would have just loved to be loved or even wanted. I was young found out later I was just wanted for a baby sitter. Appreciate what you have be happy you have it. Just my opinion.

  7. Since when did husbands give wives a gift for mothers day, I must have missed that memo.

      1. That’s so true…I only get one present from my younger son, the other two ignore that detail since his father never set a good example

    1. A husband should appreciate his wife for being a good mother to their children. It’s a hard job, worthy of recognition. A wife should do the same thing for her husband on Father’s Day. Whether or not there are gifts exchanged is between the couple, but showing that you appreciate your spouse for being a good parent is always a good thing!

      1. Absolutely! Without a doubt! Men that don’t appreciate their wives most likely had fathers that did the same.

  8. Why would your husband buy you a Mother’s day gift when you are not a mother? Why would you buy yourself a Mother’s day gift when you are not a mother?

    1. There are cards/gifts for women who are mothers to furbabies. She had a Mother…he had a mother…why not a nice card and a gift for the her and the dog…a new leash, a dog toy.

  9. I am widowed now and my husband put so much thought into gifts my response would usually disappoint him. As I navigate any relationship now I try to remember there is no “I” in “WE”, not that our feelings are not real. Please try to manage your expectations and response that is really all you can control… Take heart in having a good man by your side.

  10. My husband and I have been married 20 years. If I want a present for any occasion, I have to buy it. It’s always been that way. He is a very good man and I’m ok with having to buy what I want for myself. I’ve had a husband that used to go all out for special occasions and he was very abusive. I’ve come close to losing my present husband and I would rather have him than any gift he may give me.

    1. You are not his mother! My husband will say Happy Mother’s Day but I have told him I am not his mother. I have kids from my first husband- they always remember me. That man made sure my kids got me Mother’s Day presents. As far as holidays go, I will just buy myself something with my own money if he doesn’t come through. I have my birthday, Valentines Day and our anniversary all in February. Sometimes I get nothing, but usually a card at least. When that happens, I splurge on myself and point it out to him.

  11. You said you had no children by choice. Then you also chose not to be a mother. Taking care of a dog does not qualify you for recognition on Mother’s Day. If you allow yourself to feel offended because you didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day, then you are setting yourself up for that disappointment. I love my furbabies, but they are NOT like spending years raising children; not even close. The fact that your husband has a hard time showing appreciation (mine is the KING of that!) shows a flaw in his character. He’ll probably never change so all you can do is accept it, focus on his good character traits and give yourself what he doesn’t. With a husband like that, it’s a shame you didn’t have kids. My kids are wonderful at showing me the appreciation my husband never has.

  12. I am married (22 years) to a wonderful husband that is thoughtful in many ways while also being limited in his verbal communication. We don’t have children- was never a priority for us. I don’t feel the least bit slighted that he did not give me anything for Mother’s Day. I am not a mother despite caring for two dogs. There is no comparison between pets and kids in my opinion. I focus on the good things and address the bothersome things as needed. Mother’s Day is not one of them for me.

  13. My husband is my husband, I am NOT his mother. We have been together 27 years. We have no children, but I helped him raise his two daughters from the age of 11/12. From the girls and the grandchildren I got Flowers, cards, candy, etc.
    My husband will thank me for taking in his kids and helping raise them. But it’s not his job to make my Mother’s Day.

  14. I’ve been married for 51 years, he never makes a fuss for any occasion. He is who he is. I usually buy what I want and tell him that’s what he paid for. He’s happy with that. Mother’s Day is left up to my children since I’m not his mother.

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