Violence Never Solved Anything

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Anonymous writes, “My husband doesn’t want to take responsibilities of his family and so I’m living with my daughter in a different city…

It’s not that we’re seperated but I miss the male support in times of problems. Recently my 31 year old son (who has a bad temper) got into one of his bad moods and broke things that were important and of use.

I’ve asked my son to come over and begin life again… he’s quite big enough to understand but is trying to follow his father (he and his father live together).

What will happen to him when I’m gone… his behaviour is giving him and me a bad reputation. How can he understand that life is full of adjustments? We cannot be violent to get anything.

Have you experienced a similar situation, and how did you handle it?”

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13 thoughts on “Violence Never Solved Anything”

  1. I would say to your son that you love him deeply but are distressed that he is heading down a path that will take him to the same place that his fathers in. That it is not a happy place. That what seems like strength is in fact an inability to cope with the normal ups and downs of life without acting out. That if he does go this route he is highly likely to drive away someone he really loves one day, as you don’t think modern women will, or should, stick with someone who frightens them. That violence is frightening and a sign of weakness and instability. That it is not a good habit to get into this cycle of behaviour. Ask him is this the man he wants to be because there are better stronger role models out there. Meanwhile you can only offer advice and illuminate options in the end each person chooses their own path.

  2. I’m 77. I have been a rescuer, caretaker my entire life. Always attracted to men I could “fix.” It took forever to understand finally- You cannot change Anybody!! Never!! Nothing you do, say, give, negotiate, compromise with, changes ANYONE. You can love them. You don’t need to judge them. If you need to, you can remove yourself from them. But never think you can change them. Only THEY can do that. Period. My life changed when I accepted that fact.

  3. I have hung in there in toxic relationships and found when all is said and done that I should have just left once this bad behaviour showed itself. They are always sorry afterwards but do it again. There is a better life for you. I’ve lived in the wilds alone with my dogs for 8 years, traveled extensively, met many interesting people……I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I’d been in a bad relationship. I was better off alone. And big surprise…..I’ve been totally happy and not lonely while doing all of this.

  4. Habits…. something we do over and over again because it has a payoff we crave. Nail biting…relieves stress and anxiety, drinking to much because it gives us an escape from a reality that is hard to handle, could go on and on here. You have a habit, your son has a habit, your husband has a habit….. I do this and this happens.
    I become violent and my family accommodates my behavior and saves me, I feel loved.
    My family member becomes violent and I accept and tolerate it because I love them and after all, I’m a good mother.
    I know this because that was my family as well… still is.
    The healing begins with you but it’s for you….. they must find their own healing.
    When you step back and say No More, it will create a chain reaction. It may not be what you want necessarily but change doesn’t happen in isolation. Please, take the time and get the help you need to recognize what your role is in this unhealthy drama…. be the change you need.
    You love these people and even when you say NO to the way they treat you, you still love these people… maybe even more❤️I have no judgement here just direct knowledge and experience with your exact situation.

  5. This 31 year old son is a living/walking nightmare. You are enabling him to continue this behavior. Are you living with your daughter in another city to escape him/the husband, or both? Until he gets counseling, or into trouble with the law, the less contact with him/them, the better. You come first.

  6. Never, never take mental or physical abuse from anyone. I know you love your son but at 31 he’s a grown man. You can encourage him to go to counseling and let him know you love him, other than that he has to and will make his own decisions. First of all take care of yourself! You may need counseling to learn how to cope with his problem and have a good life for yourself. You and your son are in my prayers and I pray for a wonderful life for both of you❤️

  7. Yes , exactly the same is the situation at my home , my son 28 and is as violent and abusive as his father – in my opinion it’s genetic

  8. You keep telling you love him but you cannot enable his bad behaviors . Only one that’s going to save him is himself

  9. I agree with Nic. Everytime you think or say or in some way let that 31 year old man that he is acting like his father, and make it your responsibility to help him, you are enabling him. Just tell him that you don’t have what he needs to fixit and that he had better find the answers for himself. Let him know you will always care but… Good luck

  10. Your son is 31, his actions are his actions and what he does shouldn’t affect how people see you. At that age it will be up to him to decide he needs to change. You can talk to him and suggest he go to therapy but unless he wants to change he won’t. I would invite him over
    so I could see him but when, or if, he starts to get angry, ask him to leave. If he sees you won’t put up with his actions, he may see reason to change.

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